Jenna Black: Shadowspell

The upshot of all this is that I don’t have to make as big a production about leaving my safe house anymore. I still have to take Finn with me wherever I go, but I don’t have to ask Dad’s permission, and I don’t have to scrape up a second bodyguard. I felt positively liberated. Amazing how my standards had changed since I’d come to Avalon.

Even with my new “freedom,” it was a bit awkward trying to find a way to be alone with Ethan for a while, but he and I needed to talk. I tried calling him a couple of times, but he always seemed to be in the middle of something and couldn’t stay on the phone long. I was sure he was lying, but I didn’t want to start our heart-to-heart with accusations. There were a lot of reasons he might want nothing to do with me now that he knew about my deal with Arawn, but I needed to clear the air between us anyway. Even though he wasn’t—and now never could be—my boyfriend, there was no denying his importance in my life.

In the end, I decided the best way to trap him into talking was to show up on his doorstep again. I briefly considered using the Erlking’s brooch, but I still had the uncomfortable feeling that I didn’t want Ethan to know about it. Which meant I was stuck taking Finn along. I hadn’t really gotten a good look at Ethan’s apartment when I was there last, but I assumed it was just like Kimber’s, which meant the only place we could go for a private conversation was his bedroom. I wasn’t entirely sure Finn would go for that—I remembered how he’d played chaperone when Ethan and I went to the movies—but I didn’t see another choice.

I called Kimber before I set out and asked her to confirm that Ethan was home. She was happy to oblige me, and as far as I could tell, Ethan hadn’t told her what he’d learned about my pact with the Erlking. She still thought I was under a geis not to talk about it. Yet another secret I was keeping that could come back to bite me. Kimber would be very unhappy with me if she ever learned the truth.

I arrived on Ethan’s doorstep on a typical Avalon summer afternoon. Meaning it was gray, and chilly, and gloomy. Finn gave me a disapproving look as soon as he figured out I was there to visit Ethan, not Kimber, but he didn’t go all paternal on me and start issuing orders.

Kimber must have been watching for me, because her door cracked open when I rang Ethan’s bell. She didn’t say anything, just gave me an encouraging smile and mouthed “good luck.” I appreciated her encouragement, even as I felt another pang of guilt. No doubt she thought I was here to try to cheer Ethan up after his ordeal with the Wild Hunt. He surely wasn’t acting any more normal now than he had before we’d encountered Aunt Grace.

The look he gave me when he opened the door was so neutral it hurt. I held my chin up and forced myself to face him.

“Hi,” I said, then wanted to slap myself for being so lame. I sounded tentative, almost scared. Okay, so maybe I was, but that didn’t mean I had to show it. “Can I come in?”

Ethan darted a quick look at Finn, but he had to know we were a package deal. “Sure,” he said, sounding less than thrilled.

I had to remind myself that I’d done nothing wrong. Nothing to earn his cold shoulder, at least. It was hard to face him now that he knew the terms of my bargain with the Erlking, and I couldn’t help feeling kind of slutty, but I’d done it for Ethan. He didn’t have to like it, but he should be at least a little grateful.

Finn and I walked into the apartment. Ethan gestured me into the living room, and Finn remained by the door, once again doing his best to give me a little privacy. But a little privacy wasn’t enough, not for this conversation. I faced Finn, wondering how difficult he was going to be about this.

“Ethan and I have a couple of things we need to discuss in private,” I told him. “Is there any chance you could stand guard outside?”

I was trying to take a page from the Erlking’s book, asking for something I wasn’t expecting to get so that my second request—that he let me go into Ethan’s bedroom—would sound more reasonable. Finn surprised me by nodding.

“I’ll wait outside.” He fixed Ethan with a penetrating stare. “I’m sure you’ll behave like a gentleman.”

Ethan’s eyes widened, and he held up his hands in a gesture of innocence. “Don’t worry. I won’t get any funny ideas.”

Finn seemed satisfied with that, slipping out the door and leaving me alone with Ethan. I took a seat on his sofa, trying to figure out how to start this conversation.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asked, not quite looking at me.

“No,” I said, more sharply than I’d intended. “I’d like you to sit down and talk to me.”

“Fine.”

Instead of sitting next to me on the sofa, he sat on the far end, his posture stiff and formal. Was this really the same boy who’d kissed me so passionately just a few days ago? He looked like he could hardly wait to get away from me. I couldn’t decide if I was more hurt, or angry. I was certainly some of both.

“So, are you going to treat me like some kind of leper from now on?” I asked, hoping my voice was relatively level.

“I’m not treating you like a leper.”

Wow. That was a convincing argument, and it just gave me tons of warm fuzzies.

“You won’t look at me, you won’t talk to me, and you’re sitting as far away from me as you can possibly get,” I pointed out.

With a grunt of frustration, he turned to face me, although he didn’t move any closer. His eyes, usually so warm and lively, were ice-cold. “Forgive me for being unhappy to learn my girlfriend has promised to sleep with another man.”

I gaped at him. “I’m not your girlfriend,” I said, though the protest sounded kind of thin even to me. Considering our last make-out session had included some partial nudity, it certainly made sense that he would think of me that way, even if I wasn’t wholly convinced that it was true.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “If you found out I’d promised to sleep with another girl, it wouldn’t bother you at all?”

I felt the color flooding my cheeks. I could hardly argue his point, not after I’d been so mad at him just for dancing with another girl.

This time it was me who had trouble holding eye contact. “You know why I did it,” I whispered, staring at my hands, which were clenched on my lap. “Would you be happier if I’d just let the Erlking keep you?”

“I don’t know,” he said, and that startled me enough to make me look up at him in surprise.

“You don’t know?” My heart clenched in my chest. “You’re telling me I did what I did for nothing?” My voice rose, well on its way to shrill. “I’ve made it so I have to stay a virgin for the rest of my life, and not only are you not grateful, you’re angry with me and can barely stand to look at me.” The hurt and the anger combined to hollow me out. It was all too much to absorb, which was actually a good thing, because it made it possible for me not to cry. I’d cry my eyes out later, but I didn’t want to do it in front of Ethan.

“I’m not angry with you!” he protested angrily.

“The hell you aren’t. And I was a total moron to come here.” I started to get up, but in a manner eerily similar to our last encounter in his apartment, Ethan grabbed my arm to keep me from going anywhere.

“If we’re going to talk about this, then we might as well talk,” he said, still sounding angry.

I wanted to get out of there, wanted to pretend I’d never come. Ethan had always been too much for me to deal with, and I should have known recent events would make it even worse.

“What is there to talk about?” I asked bitterly. “You think I’m some kind of slut because I cared enough to do just about anything to make Arawn let you go. I’m not sorry I did it, but if that’s the way you think of me, then I want nothing to do with you.”