Rachel Vincent - If I Die

“What are you going to do?”

“Is that something you really want me to answer?”

Was it? “No. But if he’s really Nash’s new source, just…make it stick. Whatever you do.” I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing I’d just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didn’t even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldn’t kill him—he would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon wish he were dead.

“It’ll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.”

“But—” I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. “Is this the routine now?” I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. “I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?”

“Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments?” He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. “Yeah. I’m gonna shut you up. Like this.” He kissed me again, and that one lasted.

“Mmm… Best punitive system ever.”

“That’s kinda what I thought.”

“For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.”

Tod frowned down at me. “I should tell you about bad things that you can’t fix, even when I know you’re just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?”

Well, when you put it like that… “Yes.” I nodded firmly.

“Fine. I’ll keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“I don’t want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one.” Demon’s Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea I’d accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. “And we can worry about that in a couple of days.”

“I won’t be here to worry about that in a couple of days.”

“Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.”

But I couldn’t let it go. “When did you get rid of Nash’s balloon?”

“Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.”

“Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?”

“It’s not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place.” Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. “Shit.”

“And you don’t feel even a little bit responsible for this?” I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.

“I didn’t say that. I said you shouldn’t feel responsible.” The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. “Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?”

“Actually, I think it can wait. He’s with Sabine.” In some ways I’d never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safe—especially after she’d seen him lose control in the parking lot. “And your mom’s probably there by now.”

“You called my mom?”

“She can help him, Tod.”

“I know. I was just hoping she wouldn’t have to know this time. But it sounds like he picked up right where he left off, so yeah, I guess you had to tell her.”

“I’m sorry. I told her about us, too. I hope she doesn’t hate me for coming between the two of you.”

“She could never hate you, Kaylee. I’ll probably get an earful, though.” He grimaced at the thought. “But enough about that. How do you want to spend your last full day?”

“I don’t know…” I held up our joined hands. “This is nice.” Tod’s hand fit so well in mine that I didn’t want to go anywhere or think about anything but him, and us, and the fact that we hadn’t even considered turning on the TV, because we didn’t need it for entertainment. And he made me smile. Even knowing that Nash was back on frost, my demon math teacher wanted to impregnate my best friend and my lifeline was scheduled to end the next day, Tod could make me laugh.

“Yeah, it is.” His gaze went out of focus, like he was looking at something I couldn’t see. “I can’t remember the last time I actually got to touch someone I care about, just for the sake of touching and being touched. For human contact that demands nothing.”

“You and Addy didn’t…?”

“Get back together?” he said when I wasn’t sure how to finish my own sentence, and I nodded. “No. Seeing Addy again was like going back in time, to before I died. But I don’t think she thought of me like that. Not this time, anyway. She had more important things on her mind.” Like reclaiming her sister’s sold soul, not to mention her own. “And then she died, and I couldn’t stop it.” He was looking at me again by then, and I knew what he was thinking.

“This is different, Tod.” I put my free hand on top of the one that held his. “I still have my soul, so I’m not just moving into the Netherworld for an eternity of torture. Dying for me will be more like a release, right? It’s everyone else I’m worried about.”

“Your dad and uncle are working on the incubus issue, and I’ll do whatever I can to help, so you don’t have to worry about Emma. The worst part for her will be missing you. And your dad’s going to be fine, now that Thane’s out of the picture.”

“Thank you so much for that.” I picked at a worn spot on the denim over his knee. “I don’t know how to tell you how much that meant to me.” Though evidently that one fateful kiss was worth a thousand words.

“That was truly my pleasure. In fact, it was so much fun I’m not even going to add it to the running total of rescues you owe me.”

“How gallant of you.”

“Does that mean I’ve earned my shining armor? ’Cause I don’t see how I can slay the dragon without it.” When I didn’t smile, his frown deepened. “If you’re still worried about Nash, you know Sabine and I will watch out for him.”

“I know. I just hate that I’m going to die with him hating me.” Because how could he not? I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, trying to draw my scrambled thoughts into focus. “From the moment you told me I was going to die—okay, from the moment I came to terms with that—all I’ve wanted to do was put everything in order. Make sure everyone I care about would be okay after I’m gone. But I messed that up, and now Nash has to live with the consequences of what I did.”

“What we did,” Tod insisted.

“Either way, he hates us both.”

“He’s spent half his life hating me. Hell, he thinks I’m trying to make him miserable as a punishment for living. He’s upset and confused, but he’ll understand eventually.”

“You really think so?”

Tod shrugged, but couldn’t quite hide his own doubt. “We’re brothers—a three-hundred-year life span is a long time to hold a grudge.”

Three hundred years . That’s what I should have had, give or take. And Tod had eternity, though I couldn’t accurately describe his post-death existence as a life span. Still, compared to the mere hours I had left, eternal un-death was looking pretty good.

“How did you die, Tod?”

He couldn’t—or didn’t—hide his surprise. “Nash didn’t tell you?”

“I never asked.” It honestly hadn’t occurred to me. Tod had been dead long before I met him, and I rarely thought of him as ever having been alive, as obvious as that conclusion seemed in retrospect.