Ann Aguirre - Devil's Punch

“You told him to fuck off?”

“More or less.”

“If you weren’t in college, what were you doing?”

“Dealing blackjack in a casino.”

That was something I hadn’t known either. He was already self-employed when I met him. “And Min?”

Funny, but until now I didn’t realize how little he’d shared about his life. When we first got together, I had been so dazzled, so awestruck, that he wanted to be with me, that I hadn’t asked too many questions. I’d respected the DO NOT DISTURB sign posted in his eyes. Chance had wanted to live in the moment, and since I had my own ghosts, I was happy not to think about the future…or the past.

“She was working in an herbal remedies shop. I hadn’t saved enough for her to open her own store yet.”

“So when you and I went into business together—”

“We were working on my mom’s behalf. At least, that’s what I did with my share. She deserved to be her own boss.…She sacrificed a lot bringing me up. I know she went without so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of me at school.”

Another new thought, Chance as an underprivileged kid. If they’d scrimped and saved to put food on the table, that, too, probably explained his fixation on making money. But back to Lily. Provided I could handle more revelations. At least getting to know Chance took my mind off what might be going on with Shannon.

“Did Lily graduate?”

“Summa cum laude.”

Impressive. I only knew that meant she’d gotten really good grades. The education I’d gotten since high school, I’d acquired myself, and I did a lot of reading on my own—various fiction and nonfiction. I was partial to John D. MacDonald. None of that eclectic reading constituted a degree, but I didn’t let it make me feel bad. He’d come after me, given up everything for me. Surely that meant something, more than just that he didn’t want to be alone. A guy like Chance never had trouble finding company; he could crook his finger and summon a date. He wanted a partner. He wanted me .

“What did she want to do, music-wise?”

“I thought she was good enough to sign with a major label,” he said, “but she wanted to get her master’s and go into music therapy. She intended to do good works instead of get rich.”

Wow . That might’ve been a bone of contention. I could see the trouble brewing in my mind’s eye. If Lily grew up with money, and just wanted to help people, she might not understand Chance’s need to prove himself by putting lots of zeroes in a bank account. She wouldn’t have understood that particular drive, even if she loved him. Since I’d been dirt-poor, I got it. I had the same compulsive need about having a home.

“How long were you together?”

“Five years, until I was twenty-four.”

Longer than I’d expected—sometimes answers didn’t offer all the solutions; they just created more doubt. How could I compete with this? Yet he was doing as I’d requested, so it didn’t seem fair to punish him because he’d loved someone else first.

“And how long until you started dating me?”

“It had been a year when I met you.”

I was twenty-one then, and I’d been on my own for three hard years since leaving Kilmer. I’d hit rock bottom, but by the time we started dating I had a job in Tampa at a dry cleaner’s and a crappy studio apartment. He had been twenty-five, though he’d seemed older in terms of sophistication. Those basic facts I’d known before, but they felt different, now that I saw the context of his loss. We had been together for over three years, until I nearly died, until I couldn’t take the emotional distance anymore. However, at least I understood why he’d behaved that way. In all honesty, I’d been his rebound girl, and so it was a wonder our relationship lasted as long as it did, a testament to how desperate I had been to please him.

He was thirty-two now, and I was twenty-eight. Our footing had changed.

“Ah,” I said, and he heard something in my voice.

“I know I was wrong in the way I handled…us. I thought I could I could protect you, if I could just control everything.”

“Even me.”

“Yes, even you. I managed you. Or I tried to. And I just couldn’t let myself be vulnerable the way you wanted, especially toward the end.”

“I understand.” I did, now. It didn’t lessen the damage he’d inflicted on me, but it helped me to comprehend it. “Did you mean to marry her?”

“I wanted to be able to provide for her first.”

“You were saving for a ring…or a down payment on a house?”

“Both. I had no idea what I was doing to her,” he went on brokenly. I’d never heard this tone from Chance, and a fist curled around my spine. His shaking hands clenched on his thighs. “After she died, I didn’t even know…” He took a couple of steadying breaths, and I reached for him.

He didn’t cry in my arms because that wouldn’t be a Chance thing to do, but he trembled, and he let me comfort him. Not a Chance thing to do, but I’d realized the Chance I’d known was the broken version. I’d very much like to get to know the man who loved a woman as fiercely as he’d loved Lily…and maybe me, now.

“How did you find out?” I asked when he eased away.

“I overheard my mom discussing how to break the news. She said she hated to hurt me, but that I had to know so I could take suitable precautions going forward.”

“Did she realize your gift could kill?” If she had, then it was criminal of her not to tell him sooner, even if her intentions had been good. For the first time, I felt a flicker of anger at Min. Before, I’d always blamed Chance, but she guarded her own secrets as tightly. Like his father’s identity.

He shook his head. “She knew the bad luck could be deflected, but she thought there were limits. So did I. But it makes sense—if the luck can save my life, then it can take someone else’s. After that, Mom looked for ways to compensate, but I wasn’t interested. I decided I wouldn’t get close to anyone else again.”

In his way, Chance had been every bit as messed up as I was. He probably still was, but I wouldn’t hold it against him. “So then…why did you—”

“Ask you out?” he finished. “It was the oddest thing. I tried to explain it to you once before, that click. I heard your drawl, saw your smile, and everything in my head went fuzzy. It was like I know this girl , or I felt like I should. I had to see you again. I told myself I’d be careful.”

“So you were trying to protect me.”

He nodded. “Later, I thought if I kept the emotional walls up, it would keep you from getting hurt.”

“I don’t condone how you handled things, but I understand.”

“That’s the best I could hope for.”

“And I guess my accident proves you did love me, after all. By the end.”

He closed his eyes. “I tried so hard not to. My love kills, Corine. But you were so sweet, so…”

“Gullible?”

“Irresistible. I couldn’t help myself. And the luck compensated when I stopped fighting, when I fell headlong for you—”

“I fell too. Literally.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

And it was. The past was no longer a thorn in my soul.

I had a lot to think about, but everything made sense now. From my perspective, he should have told me the risks after we got serious—my opinion on that didn’t change—but he hadn’t acted out of malice. His head was all fucked up at the time, and he was trying to do what was best. And maybe, just maybe, he’d seen a glimpse of my past—a suggestion that I needed somebody to take care of me for a while. I certainly hadn’t fought at first. It was only later that I wanted more.