Angie Fox - My Big Fat Demon Slayer Wedding

Next to her, Frieda had wrapped herself in a tweed suit with a pink silk shirt that tied at the neck into the biggest bow I’d ever seen. She’d tamed her blonde hair from its usual bouffant style and had wound it into a helmet-head bun that had been hair sprayed to within an inch of its life—as if that was what people wore to tea parties.

Buns.

They must have seen it in a magazine.

Creely the engineering witch had gone for the Little House on the Prairie look, but had neglected to remove the mini silver deer skulls that dangled from her ears. Or perhaps she figured it completed the look.

My dog, Pirate, was nowhere in sight. However, his pet dragon, Flappy, had his large, nose pressed up against the bay window. Flappy snorted, fogging the glass around his pink and ivory mottled snout. I pretended not to notice.

I still didn’t know why my dog needed a pet. The white, snaggle-toothed beast was the size of an SUV, and still growing. At least non-magical people couldn’t see him.

Hillary was having enough of a shock as it was. True to form, she kept it all inside. Still, I couldn’t help noticing how she stared at the witch who was displaying ample cleavage above a corseted, medieval gown. Two Date Tessa actually looked good. As for the rest of them?

There was no leather, no denim, no doo-rags. Only fashion mistakes as far as the eye could see.

Hillary and I exchanged a glance.

“Welcome to the Celebration Tea!” she chirped, clearly determined to forge ahead, blithely ignoring the biker witch to her left, who was studying a dainty porcelain cup like it was a moon rock. Mom painted a smile on her face. “This is the first event in a week of friendship, family, and joy that will lead us to Lizzie and Dimitri’s big day.”

I’d happily skip right to the wedding.

She gestured at two catering assistants, who entered from the arched doorway off the dining room. They held gleaming silver serving pots.

“Simply turn over your cups,” Hillary instructed as the biker witches eyed the delicate painted tea sets in front of them. “And tell Tina or Gina which of our seventeen specialty teas you’d prefer. Each one of them is organic and caffeine free!”

Grandma turned over her teacup like she expected a bug to crawl out from under it.

My assigned chair was across from the couch that held Grandma, Ant Eater and Frieda. At least, I thought the spot was mine. It had a white and silver bow attached. Let’s hope I wouldn’t have to strangle anyone with it. So far, the witches were remarkably well behaved.

I turned over the pink teacup in front of me, recognizing it from mom’s display case back home. She really did go all out. These antique serving sets were from her special collection. I couldn’t help but feel touched, and a little worried.

Ant Eater, grandma’s second in command, stared at me from behind a green and gold painted fan, as if she needed some kind of spiritual protection from what was taking place. It was clear Grandma had dressed her—and done her hair. The biker witch slowly lowered the barrier, her good tooth glinting in the sunlight streaming through the window. “What happened to your hair?”

“My mom fixed it,” I said, refusing to feel embarrassed for looking like myself.

Her eyes traveled over my Malibu Barbie outfit. Okay. So I wasn’t exactly the seersucker sundress type anymore, but I didn’t think Ant Eater had suddenly taken to giraffe patterned Mumu’s, so she could cut me some slack.

I was about to tell her that when Gina, the caterer, popped up on my left faster than Pirate on a pork chop. She wore black pants, a white shirt and a permanent smile. “Hi!” she said, holding out a basket with tea bags in organized slots. “We are so excited about our tea selection today. We have Green Mountain Flower, Pomegranate Black, Welsh Morning, Jasmine, Sweet Ginger Green—”

“Black tea would be fine,” I said, as Ant Eater’s eyes began to cross.

“Sure,” Gina said, “Would that be Tibetan, Darjeeling, Assam—”

“You choose,” I said, and then added, “Assam,” when Gina seemed confused.

Across from me, Grandma kept eyeing the door and Frieda had gone a bit green.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” Ant Eater said.

I tried to smile, but found I felt as ridiculous as the biker witches looked. It was as if we were all trying to be something we weren’t.

Gina slipped a bag of Assam into Ant Eater’s cup and poured steaming water over it.

She should like strong tea. “It’s got a nice kick,” I assured the wary biker witch.

“Like Jack Daniels nice?” Ant Eater asked.

Not quite.

But at least they were trying. I appreciated that. Even if Frieda’s sleeve had already gotten into the clotted cream. She swirled her blueberry scone in the cream once more.

Somebody should tell her it wasn’t a dipping sauce.

Then again, at least Frieda had sleeves. Yes, Grandma had wrapped several stretchy bangles around the phoenix tattoo on her upper right arm, but they didn’t exactly hide anything.

My mother slipped into the chair next to me, teacup in hand.

“This is great, mom. Thanks.” It really was nice to have everyone together, safe and happy; to know that the room was still standing after five minutes...

Mom smiled, reaching for a scone until she saw what Frieda was doing to the clotted cream. Hillary cleared her throat and selected a finger sandwich instead.

Maybe this would work out after all.

“So, my daughter tells me that you like motorcycles,” Hillary said to Grandma.

Grandma nodded, actually taking care to finish chewing before she responded. “Yes. My,” she searched for a word, absently drawing circles in the air with her sandwich, “colleagues and I…of the motorcycle persuasion…have been riding together for several years.”

“Fascinating,” Hillary said, taking a dainty bite of her cucumber sandwich.

“What she means,” Frieda said, warming up as she took a stack of jam sandwiches cut into the shape of hearts. “Is that we had to run like shit from a goose from a fifth level demon before Lizzie here—”

“Frieda!” Grandma closed her hand over Frieda’s arm and the blonde witch scattered sandwiches across the table. “The Fifth Level Demons,” she said quickly, “are a—”

“Rock band,” Ant Eater interjected, pointing her sandwich at Hillary.

Mom had that plastered smile on her face again. Not good.

I took a sip of tea, letting it scald all the way down to my stomach. It didn’t help. I considered taking an English shortbread cookie, if only to have something to do. Creely solved that problem by walking past in her long skirt and knocking most of them onto the floor.

Two witches joined her in picking them up, eating as they went.

I willed Hillary not to look at them, and saw that she was too busy watching Frieda, Grandma and Ant Eater, as if she couldn’t figure out exactly why they were at her party—or in my life.

Relax . I could do this. It’s not like I’d expected them to become best friends. Still, with everyone trying, it would be nice if we could find some sort of common ground.

“I’ll see to some more refreshments,” Hillary said, standing too quickly. She practically sprinted from the room.

Once I was sure she was gone completely, I leaned forward and fought the urge to throttle Frieda. “What are you doing, telling her about demons?” I hissed.

She was wide-eyed. “It’s common knowledge!” She whispered, too loudly for my taste. “Besides,” she said, rubbing at her middle, smearing clotted cream as she did, “I can barely keep down my lunch. My girdle is about to cut me in half.”

Oh, come on. “Then take it off.”