Guy Adams - The Clown Service

A set of stairs led up from the ground floor and I was just starting to climb them when there was a clicking noise from above me. My face was suddenly hit by the light from someone else’s torch.

a) Shad Thames, London

‘I’ll hear the end of this if it kills me,’ Toby sighed, Shining’s story having been interrupted.

They had decamped to a coffee house.

While Toby had queued for the drinks, Shining had made a quick phone call, the result of which was responsible for the interruption.

‘Hello, Leslie,’ a man said, reaching over to shake Shining’s hand. ‘Long time no see.’

He was a giant. Cramming his physique into the tight frame of one of the cafe’s metal seats was like forcing a potato into a thimble. When he leaned forward or back, the chair moved with him, tightly clasping his body.

He mopped at a sweating brow with a neatly folded handkerchief, a strangely delicate object within his oversized fist. ‘Sorry,’ he said, tucking the handkerchief away into the pocket of his coat, ‘I came in a rush as you asked, and I’m not as fit as I once was.’

‘It’s appreciated,’ said Shining, who gestured to Toby. ‘This is my colleague, Charles Berry; he’s working with me on this.’

‘Good to meet you,’ the man said, extending his huge hand towards Toby. ‘Derek Lime, formerly known as the Big Dipper on the professional circuit. I’ve helped Leslie out a few times.’

‘You can say what you like to Derek,’ said Shining. ‘His background check’s as clean as a whistle.’

‘Did a lot of information drops during the seventies,’ said Derek, ‘while touring on the wrestling circuit. I may not blend into the background, but sometimes that’s to a man’s advantage. Who’d think I was a spy, eh?’

Toby smiled but said nothing.

‘Of course, I haven’t worked as a wrestler for thirty years now. I had a rather dramatic career change back in the early nineties.’

‘Security?’ Toby asked.

Derek looked somewhat pained. ‘That’s the thing with being a big lad, see. People can’t imagine you doing anything that doesn’t involve throwing your weight around.’

Toby winced. ‘Sorry.’

‘No problem, everyone does it. Actually I work on the Underground, you know – maintenance and stuff. My main passion though is physics.’

‘Derek’s an inventor!’ said August with a big grin.

‘Aye, I mess about with electronics and that, you know – high-end stuff.’

‘Indeed?’ Toby was still trying to imagine this ageing Hercules working his way through Underground tunnels.

‘Yeah.’ Derek made to stand up, forcing the chair off his hips like a man removing a pair of shorts. ‘But I need to get a bit of a wiggle on if you want to be finished by the start of my shift. Time machine’s in the car. I’ll see you out there, shall I?’

‘Time machine?’ asked Toby once the man had left.

‘You’re the one that said anything goes for Section 37,’ Shining replied.

‘I may have spoken too soon.’

‘Anyway, it’s not really a time machine, not in the sense you’re thinking, so you don’t have to worry.’

‘What is it then?’

Shining held up his hand so that he could concentrate on counting out his change to pay for the coffees. ‘You’ll see soon enough,’ he said, putting the money on the table. ‘Derek explains it much better than I ever could.’

Outside, Derek stood at the rear of a large van, devouring an apple.

‘Can I park outside?’ he asked. ‘It’s a pain lugging the equipment any distance.’

‘We’ll manage,’ said August before pointing out where Derek should drive.

‘We’ll walk round,’ he said. ‘See you there in a minute.’

‘Any excuse to avoid helping with the gear.’

‘So, “Leslie”,’ said Toby, ‘how did you first meet the heavyweight physicist?’

‘Well, “Charles”, it was during an operation in Berlin. He got me out of a tight scrape with a weaponised pack of Tarot cards.’

‘Of course he did. And now he builds time machines for you.’

‘Not for me – I’m just the one that convinces him not to patent. As he’ll no doubt tell you, his equipment has very unfortunate side effects, and while I trust him to use it with sufficient caution not to tear the universe in half, I don’t extend that same confidence to anyone else. So, I pay him an annual fee out of expenses that keeps Section 37 as his sole business partner in temporal matters.’

‘We’re patrons of the sciences as well, are we?’

‘We are when it comes to avoiding the destruction of reality, yes.’

They walked around the corner to find Derek pacing up and down behind the van.

‘Can’t find the address,’ he said. ‘I was just about to ask in the shop.’

‘Don’t do that,’ said Shining, ‘we’re being far too visible as it is. Give me your keys.’

‘Eh?’

‘The keys to the van. I’ll park.’

‘I don’t know about that, Leslie. I mean, I’m not covered with the insurance…’

‘Oh, come on, I’m only going to park it. What’s the worst that can happen?’

Derek sighed and handed the keys over. Shining took them, grinning from ear to ear, and climbed into the driver’s seat. With a rev of the engine, he performed a rather aggressive three-point turn until the van was pointing towards the gap between the shop and Cinnamon Wharf.

‘What did you say about your insurance again?’ Shining asked before hitting the accelerator and, as far as Derek could tell, aiming the van right at the wall.

The big man gave a cry of panic and waved his hands in the air as the van suddenly vanished, the air rippling around it then resolving itself into the old warehouse. Shining had driven the van through the open double doors.

‘You bastard!’ said Derek.

‘Come on,’ said Toby, laughing. He guided the big man into the warehouse before anyone spotted them.

‘You’ll be the death of me,’ Derek moaned as Shining climbed out of the van. ‘One of these days I’ll just keel over – a heart can only stand so much.’

‘I make your life interesting,’ said Shining. ‘Of course, if you were Chinese you would take that as a curse. Or not, depending on whether you choose to believe they ever said it.’

‘ Interesting I can live with. It’s the bloody terrifying that cripples me.’

‘You and me both,’ said Toby.

Shining closed the large double doors leading to the street. ‘I hope we haven’t drawn too much attention to ourselves. It’s all very well three men and a van moving around the area but if they keep popping in and out of thin air, eyebrows are likely to be raised.’

Derek opened the back of his van and began to pull large, plastic crates out. ‘If we can get this set up on the far side of the room, we should be OK. It’s a pretty narrow field, but I can cover the majority of the downstairs.’

‘Cover it with what?’ Toby asked. ‘Leslie said you’d explain.’

‘Leaving it to the experts, eh? OK, well, are you familiar with the Stone Tape theory?’

‘Probably best to assume I’m not familiar with anything beyond basic school physics.’

Derek nodded and began unpacking his equipment. ‘Drag that desk over, would you? I need somewhere to set all this up.’

Toby did as he was told.

‘The Stone Tape theory,’ Derek continued, ‘maintains that an environment soaks up things that happen in it. Strong emotions create psionic energy that is then stored in the matter surrounding it. That psionic energy can then be accessed, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, by a person who visits that environment. It’s a popular explanation for ghosts. What we’re seeing is not the spirit of someone who has passed over; it is merely a psychic recording, an after image. Residual Haunting as opposed to Intelligent Haunting.’