Cassie Alexander: Deadshifted

“What was that about?” Asher asked me as soon as they were out of earshot.

“I don’t know. You tell me,” I said.

I expected him to have some witty retort or explanation. When he didn’t, my eyes followed his gaze; he was still watching Nathaniel blend in with the crowd.

My stomach sank, just as the sun had, and everything came into focus. “You didn’t try to read him, did you?”

Asher nodded quietly, and when I stared at him aghast he shrugged one shoulder. “It didn’t work.”

I was stunned.

We didn’t get rules when Santa Muerte stopped Asher from going insane. There were no guarantees on her services, no promises that he couldn’t fuck things up by trying to be what he once was. Asher had never pushed things before—there’d been no need, we’d been living happily, normally. That he’d do it now, and risk himself, over a ghost from his past? It was unthinkable. I’d almost lost him once before. I wouldn’t watch him do it again.

“And what if it had?” I pressed.

“Then I’d know why he was here. And what he was up to.”

I pointed back the way they’d come. “He’s on a vacation with his family. Like you told me we were on. Remember?”

“He has a daughter who’s your age. There’s no way that’s his wife, or his child.” Asher shook his head, denying what we’d seen.

“Oh, so he’d be the first man ever to marry his secretary?”

He frowned. “I know he had a vasectomy—”

“So? Those can be reversed. Or he could be a stepdad. Or that kid could be adopted.” I was sputtering now. “I can’t believe you were willing to throw everything away—”

I could see on his face that he wasn’t going to apologize, he was going to try to explain. “Edie,” he began, his voice low. “It didn’t work.”

“What if it had? Or—what if it hadn’t, but you’d broken yourself again? Over nothing?”

“It didn’t work!” he protested.

“We’re a family now! You can’t go abandoning us like that!” People were staring and I didn’t care.

“And you don’t know him like I do!” Asher shouted back. “Edie, I didn’t abandon you—”

“I know that he’s here with his family,” I said. “And you need to act like you’re here with yours.”

The sun was gone now, and the night was becoming as cold as the untouched drink I still held in one hand. I handed it back to him. I was sure we looked like that couple, the ones who tied one on at the airport lounge, and on the shuttle, and in their rooms, and again on the deck. Whatever.

“I’m going back to the room,” I said.

“Fine.”

There wasn’t anything left after that but to huff off. Of course we were on a boat, so I couldn’t really go anywhere, but I didn’t want to be around him for at least a little bit. And he knew me well enough to know that he shouldn’t chase me—I only left when I really did want to be alone.

I found my room key in my pocket, and used both of the hand sanitizer stations I passed by on my way to the elevators, like I could somehow wash his betrayal off me.

The room still smelled a little like sex when I got there. I wondered bleakly if Claire and Hal had heard anything earlier, or if they’d hear anything again on this whole godforsaken trip. I still needed to take a shower. Now was my chance.

How dare he try to throw everything away? It might be one thing, under controlled circumstances, to test it out. Safely. Back home. Just to see. But to do it on a boat, here, in a rush, without even warning me? What if he’d broken himself again somehow and died, and left me to raise our child alone?

I shuddered in fear and rage, then shed my clothes before going into the bathroom with the shower. The tub-shower and the toilet were in two separate rooms inside our cabin, like in an old Victorian home. I stepped inside the shower and turned on the water, then held on as the boat took an alarming turn. Between the small size of the tub, the slipperiness of the water, and the motion of the boat, I wondered how many elderly guests broke hips on board. I was careful to brace myself against the wall. If I hurt myself in here while I was hate-showering, I’d never hear the end of it from him.

By the time I was done washing my hair, I heard the outside door open and shut. I finished my shower, trying to think of everything I was going to say, but the second I stepped out with a towel wrapped around my chest, he spoke first.

“What’s with all this ‘family’ stuff?”

“Like you care” came out of my mouth in an instant, and Asher looked snakebit. I wished I could take it back so hard I said so. “I’m sorry.” I heaved an apologetic sigh. “I didn’t mean that.”

Asher still looked hurt. “Edie, of course I care.”

“It didn’t look like it up there, to me.” I pointed in the direction of the decks above us.

“I’m sorry. I never should have done that, not without talking to you first, at least. That was a huge mistake.” He seemed earnest as he said it, but he also looked confused. “But what’s gotten into you?”

“Um. You did? A couple of weeks ago.” I tried to sound lighthearted. I hadn’t sat around and thought about how this conversation would go, but even if I had, this wouldn’t have been how I pictured it. His face was still blank. I sat down on the bed. “For someone who has at least one doctor’s worth of knowledge inside him, you are very very dense.”

He frowned, and then realization slowly dawned. “Wait. Are you trying to say you’re pregnant?”

“I don’t know. Are you trying to hear it? I missed a pill.” I made a face at him, then sighed. “And I don’t know yet. I just know my period is late.”

His frown deepened, and he raised a querulous eyebrow. “That’s not possible.”

“Wow. Thanks,” I said, as sarcastically as I could.

“No, Edie. It is literally not possible. Shapeshifter and human DNA don’t mix. Believe me. It’s one of the reasons shapeshifters can be so promiscuous. We’re never in danger of having children with humans. We also don’t get sick.”

“Well, that knowledge would have saved me a trip to the clinic for an STD check last year. Thanks for letting me know.”

He looked from my stomach to my eyes. “Do you feel pregnant?”

“I have no idea what being pregnant feels like. How would I know? All I know is that my period should have started, and it didn’t, and—”

“When were you going to tell me?” he jumped in.

I made a helpless gesture. “After I could scam a pregnancy test from somewhere. I was going to go to the medic for one tomorrow morning. I just didn’t want to worry you before I knew anything for sure.”

“But you think—”

I cut him off. “I don’t know what to think. My uterus isn’t always clockwork. And neither am I.”

“You should have said something.”

I made a face at him. Considering what he’d just done without any warning up above—“You are one to talk.”

He shook his head. “That was different.”

“Really?” I said, with even more sarcasm than usual.

He relented with a sigh. “Okay, no. Not really.” He looked again from my stomach to me. “You should have told me sooner, though. The instant—”

“There’s nothing to tell yet,” I interrupted, starting to chew on my bottom lip. “And I’m sorry, but I’ve never done this before. I don’t know the rules for this. I’m making it up as I go along.”

Was it really impossible? How would I feel about things then? I’d sort of maybe liked to think it was real. If only to get my mom off my back, which as everyone knew was a really good reason to have children.