Руди Рюкер - Master Of Space And Time

GWEEEEEEEEEENT! AH-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONKH!

A police car pulled up on the side of the turnpike and one of the cops opened up on the monster with a heavy machine gun.

Budda-ba-budda-burrtttt!

RRRAAAAAAANH! RRWAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEE!

Budda-burrtttt-brrt!

RRRRWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The ground shook as the monster charged.

I was yelling, yelling at Harry. "Goddamnit,

Harry, I know this is your fault! You jumped a lizard up in time! Give me those keys before —"

"Shut up, Fletcher. I've always wanted to have Godzilla real. The noise!"

The police car flew into the air and crashed, burning, on the roadway nearby.

FWWWWWUUUUUEEEEE! WWREEEEEEEEENH!

"Good God, he's headed for us! He knows you, Harry! Let's get out of here!"

Harry was too enraptured to recognize our danger. I bundled him down the highway embankment. At the bottom was a culvert, a four-foot cement pipe running right under the turnpike.

"In here!"

GUH-WHEEEEEEEENT! REEEEEEEENTHREEEEEEEENT-REEEEEEEEEENT!

The giant lizard was really getting excited. And — God, God, God — it was Harry and me he was after. We barely made it into the culvert in time. A huge claw probed in after us, and was replaced by the creature's immense basilisk eye.

"Isn't this exciting, Fletch? Watch this!"

Harry yelled and threw a sharp rock right into the giant eye's center.

WHEEEENK-WHEEEENK-WHEEEENK! GUHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"I love that noise," chortled Harry. "I can't get enough of it."

The monster's huge claws were tearing at the culvert's end. Meters of sod crumbled and great chunks of concrete flew. Our tunnel grew steadily shorter. Harry was looking around for another rock to throw.

"Oh, God, Harry, I hate you so much, you crazy wrecked slob, you don't care about anything real! Oh, Nancy, I'm so sorry I got involved! Please, God, help me, save me, save me —"

A third of our tunnel was gone now. The Godzilla-thing had us trapped like rats. The only escape was to run out the other end. I took off, leaving Harry behind. He was laughing and hefting a rock. Was he nuts, or did he know something I didn't know.

It was marshy on the other side of the turnpike, too marshy to head off overland. The only way out was along the roadway itself.

The giant lizard was concentrating on its digging — there hadn't been any roaring for several minutes. Gathering my courage, I crawled up the embankment to peer back across the turnpike.

There was the monster's great lashing tail, and there, twenty meters off to the left, was my car, still unharmed.

"Oh, Nancy," I moaned, "I'm coming, baby."

I sprinted across the northbound lanes and the median. Every hair on my neck was standing up. I got back into my Buick. Harry had left the key on the seat. I fumbled it into the ignition and started…

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONT! SQUAAROOOOOOOONT-ROOOOOONT-ROOOOOOOOONT!

Harry had just thrown his second rock. Forget it, man, and color me gone. I floored the accelerator and peeled out. I was still shaking when I pulled into my driveway back in Princeton.

6. The Central Teachings of Mysticism

Nancy was at the kitchen table, eating a dish of yogurt with Froot Loops. The TV was on full blast. A quiz show. Serena was lying on her side, sucking the corner of a blanket.

"Couldn't you turn down the TV?" I demanded.

"Mr. Big Shot," muttered Nancy, not taking her eyes off the screen. All the chairs had piles of laundry on them, so I flopped down on the floor next to Serena.

"What's the matter, Nancy?"

"You," she said. Her eyes were red and puffy. She'd been crying. Her head kept jerking the way it always did when she was really mad at me. "You gave all our money to your crazy friend, didn't you? I wanted to go shopping, and the bank said we've got nothing left. Mr. Big Deal."

She ripped open a package of Oreos and started eating the cookies two at a time. I could never understand where Nancy put all the food she ate. Someone on TV won a prize. The audience roared like a broken washing machine. Serena sucked on her blanket, staring blankly at the tube.

"I'm sorry, Nancy. You're right, I gave our money to Harry. And I shouldn't have. He's not to be trusted. Did you hear the news yet? A giant lizard almost killed me on the Jersey Turnpike?"

Nancy stubbed her cigarette out in the overflowing ashtray, and lit another, chewing all the while. She tilted her head back to keep the smoke out of her eyes. "All I can say, Joseph, is that — is that…" Abruptly she burst into sobs.

I got up and put my arm around her. I took the cigarette out of her mouth and put my cheek against hers. My frail strawberry-blond darling. My southern belle. "I–I did it for you, Nancy! I want us to be rich and happy again."

"No!" She pushed me away, knocking her ashtray off the table. It shattered on the floor. Ashes and broken glass. Serena scrambled over to investigate.

"Look out, Serena, there's broken glass. Let Daddy clean it up."

Nancy and Serena watched me clean up the mess. I used a paper towel and piece of the Froot Loops box. At the end I cut my finger, probably on purpose. "Damn. Oh damn, damn, damn."

Sunday morning we went to church, the First Church of Scientific Mysticism. The religion, vaguely Christian, had grown out of the mystical teachings of Albert Einstein and Kurt Godel, the two great Princeton sages. Nancy and I didn't attend regularly, but today it seemed like the thing to do. According to the evening news, Godzilla had suddenly disappeared after digging a trench across the Jersey Turnpike. The news didn't mention if Harry had escaped, but it stood to reason that he had. I guess I was glad.

The sun was out, and the three of us had a nice time walking over to church.

"I'm sorry I was so ugly to you yesterday, Joe."

"And I'm sorry about the money, baby. Maybe we can drive up to New Brunswick today and see what Harry's done with it."

"No, thanks." Nancy looked light and pretty in her Sunday dress. I took her hand. Serena skipped along ahead of us, light as dandelion fluff.

The church building was a remodeled bank, a massive granite building with big pillars and heavy bronze lamps. Inside, there were pews and a raised pulpit. In place of an altar was a large hologram of Albert Einstein. Einstein smiled kindly, occasionally blinking his eyes. Nancy and Serena and I took a pew halfway up the left side. The organist was playing a Bach prelude. I gave Nancy's hand a squeeze. She squeezed back.

Today's service was special. The minister, an elderly physicist named Alwin Bitter, was celebrating the installation of a new assistant, a woman named — Sondra Tupperware. I jumped when I heard her name, remembering that Harry had mentioned her yesterday. Was this another of his fantasies become real? Yet Ms. Tupperware looked solid enough: a skinny woman with red glasses-frames and a springer spaniel's kinky brown hair.

Old Bitter was wearing a tuxedo with a thin pink necktie. The dark suit set off his halo of white hair to advantage. He passed out some bread and wine, and then he gave a sermon called "The Central Teachings of Mysticism."

His teachings, as best I recall, were three in number: (1) All is One; (2) The One is Unknowable; and (3) The One is Right Here. Bitter delivered his truths with a light touch, and the congregation laughed a lot — happy, surprised laughter.

Nancy and I lingered after the service, chatting with some of the church members we knew. I was waiting for a chance to ask Alwin Bitter for some advice.

Finally everyone was gone except for Bitter and Sondra Tupperware. The party in honor of her installation was going to be later that afternoon.

"Is Tupperware your real name?" asked Nancy.

Sondra laughed and nodded her head. Her eyes were big and round behind the red glasses. "My parents were hippies. They changed the family name to Tupperware to get out from under some legal trouble. Dad was a close friend of Alwin's."