Rudy Rucker - The Ware Tetralogy

“No no, I only recognize the shape she is wearing—Parvati is the goddess who is the wife of the god Shiva. In the Hindu religion, Shiva’s wife is extremely important; she has many different names and many different forms. One form is Parvati the beautiful, but another of her forms is the black Kali who rides a lion, brandishes a knife, and wears a necklace of chopped-off human heads. The risk in becoming very intimate with a moldie Parvati is that she may unexpectedly become a Kali and take your head. Like all women, my own wife is both a Parvati and a Kali, not to mention an Uma and Durga, but my wife is human and I do not need to worry so much about her really and truly taking my head. You are planning to buy Parvati a slug of imipolex from the company store today and to have a heavy date with her, are you not?”

Randy blushed. “Not that it’s really any of your-all’s goddamn business, Neeraj.”

“I do not disapprove, Randy, but I am saying this: Keep your head . Some moldies play the game of sticking a tendril up a man’s nose and implanting a control unit in his brain. This is called a thinking cap . You have never heard of this practice?”

“Can’t say as I have.”

“If you are going to spend time with moldies and perhaps to be sexually intimate with them, it is a good practice, first of all, to be wearing a protective barrier in the back of your nose. There is a self-installing titaniplast device of this nature available in the company store. Come along, I’ll walk over there with you and make sure that my rumbustious young horn-doggie is equipped with the proper protection.”

One whole end of the employee’s store was filled with bins of lusciously glowing imipolex sausages. The setup reminded Randy of the fireworks stands in Indiana; rank upon rank of magical cylinders lying there, arranged by size and waiting for ignition. The colorful patterns on the imipolex were alive and constantly changing, albeit in calm and rhythmic ways. The slugs came in a range of standard sizes that ranged from a hundred grams up to two kilograms.

Randy picked out a five-hundred-gram sausage, which was nearly at the limit of what he could comfortably afford. Neeraj showed him where the nose blockers were and also made sure that Randy bought one of the small imipolex patches that Neeraj called leech-DIMs.

“Leech-DIMs are making a moldie very confused,” said Neeraj. “But we are not fully understanding why. Leech-DIMs were invented only last year by Sri Ramanujan, one of Emperor Staghorn’s finest limpware engineers. As long as you have a leech-DIM handy, you can instantly bollox up a threatening moldie. You are very fortunate to be able to buy one; at this point in time they are available solely through the Emperor Staghorn Beetle Larvae company store.”

The leech-DIMs were small ragged patches of plastic, no bigger than the joint of your thumb, no two of them looking quite similar. They were so diverse as to resemble organically grown objects—like some tropical tree’s aerial seeds, perhaps, or like by-the-wind-sailor jellyfish collected from a lonely windward beach.

The leech-DIMs were shockingly expensive, with one leech-DIM costing nearly the equivalent of three months’ pay: a quarter of a year’s earnings! Randy tried hard to get out of buying one, but Neeraj was adamant; he and Randy argued so loudly that soon a clerk came over to inform Randy that Emperor Staghorn Beetle Larvae employees were, in fact, required to use appropriate cautions with moldies, and that, yes, he could buy on credit.

So Randy equipped himself and took Parvati to his room in the Tipu Bharat and presented her with his five-hundred-gram slug of imipolex. The slug was two inches in diameter and nearly a foot long. It was circled by colorful stripes that smoothly undulated through a repeating standing-wave pattern that bounced from one end of the sausage to the other.

“Oh, Randy,” exclaimed Parvati, exhaling a heady cloud of spores. She took the gift sausage in both hands. “My darling! It’s beautiful. Five hundred grams! I’ll incorporate it right away.”

She pressed the imipolex against her breasts, and the sausage’s stripes began to twist and flow like cream in coffee. The sausage deformed itself into the shape of a nonlinear dumbbell, and concentric circles appeared in the two ends. The ends domed themselves up and merged with Parvati’s flesh: now her enlarged breasts were covered with what looked like shiny gold-and-copper filigree, very arabesque and fractal. Parvati held her arms up high and twirled around. “Do you like it, Randy?”

“You’re beautiful, Parvati. What do you say we have some fun now?”

The nose blocker deadened the sound of Randy’s voice in his own ears. Parvati sashayed forward, undid Randy’s pants, then drew him down onto his bed. Randy’s youth and lust were such that he was able to reach three climaxes in twenty minutes—three deep, aching ejaculations.

And then he lay there, spent and happy, staring out at the darkening sky. A single bright evening star appeared in the top of the window: Venus. Parvati’s soft form was all around him, partly under him and partly over him. She ran a caressing hand across his face, poked softly at his nose, and slipped a thin finger into his nostril.

“Now don’t you be a-tryin’ to give me no thinkin’ cap,” cried Randy jerking upright in sudden terror. He snatched his leech-DIM up from where he’d left it under the corner of the bed and held it out protectively. “I mean it, Parvati!”

She drew her puddled shape back into a more human form. “I was only teasing you, Randy. I know you’re wearing a nose blocker. I can tell by the sound of your voice. Is that a leech-DIM you’re holding? I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one. Don’t you trust me?”

“My boss, Neeraj, he told me you might try and put a controller on my brain.”

“If I could count on you to bring me imipolex on every single payday, then why would I need to control you? You’d already be doing everything I want you to do. Can I count on you, Randy?”

“You can if you’ll promise to come see me in between paydays, Parvati. I can’t wait a whole ‘nother month to grease my wrench. My old limpware sex toys—they’re whipped to shit.”

“Show them to me.”

Randy pulled Sammie-Jo and Angelika out of the bottom drawer of his dresser. They smelled rotten, and their colors had turned muddy gray.

“Whew!” said Parvati. “They’ll be completely dead in a week to ten days. That is exactly how I do not want to end up.”

“Do you want them?”

“I should say not. Most distasteful. Bury them. Or set them afire.”

“What am I gonna do for sex?”

“I’ll come and see you twice a week,” said Parvati softly. “Every Saturday and perhaps every Tuesday. I’ll be your steady girlfriend. How would you like that?”

“It’d be swell! Hey, if you’re my girlfriend, why don’t you come on and walk around the neighborhood with me? You can help explain stuff to me, and maybe—maybe you can help me buy some new sex toys. Also I’d like to get something to eat.”

They went to the Mavalli Tiffin Rooms, a vegetarian snack place near the Lalbagh Gardens park. Randy got them a table in front, near a window, in case Parvati’s smell were a problem. But the moldie’s presence didn’t disturb anyone; indeed the other groups in the room seemed pleasantly amused at the singular pair made by Randy the hillbilly cheeseball and Parvati the moldie goddess—the couple were visible proof of Bangalore’s modernity and advancing technological prowess!

After eating some pancakes stuffed with gnarly yellow roots, Randy took Parvati to see the sadhus. The sadhus were greatly excited at the sight of Parvati. Two of the sadhus heaped some thorny branches on the ground and rolled in them till they bled; another thrust a long staff through a hole in his penis and worked it up and down. Still another sadhu fed a well-worn imipolex snake down his throat and then—with much bucking of his stomach muscles—he pushed the snake out of his anus. Parvati acknowledged the sadhus’ homage with graceful motions of her arms. Randy stood right behind her, with his hands tight around her waist. Parvati’s smells and motions were nectar to him.