Rudy Rucker - The Ware Tetralogy

It went without saying that a moldie’s intelligent, malleable flesh could provide a very unique multipronged personal massage for those humans who sought sex in strange forms. The unnaturalness of the act was of appeal to certain individuals; indeed the very reek of a moldie was something that most cheeseballs found powerfully arousing. Sad to say for the men of this world, cheeseballs were almost always male.

Behind the glass door of Room 3D, Tucker formed a cozening, humorless smile and winked at Monique. He had prominent cheekbones and thin lips; he looked like a country hick. The sly, insistent way that he kept crooking his finger made it seem almost certain that he was a cheeseball.

As it happened, when Monique, Xlotl, and Andrea had been out flying yesterday, Andrea had talked to the younger moldies about cheeseballs. Andrea had some very definite ideas about how to handle them.

“Persuade the cheeseball to accompany you to an isolated setting,” intoned Andrea, who’d recently started talking like an engineer or, of all things, a robot. In the past she’d used the gaseous verbiage of the King James Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Koran, but these days she modeled her speech patterns on the style of science journals. “Encourage the cheeseball to initiate mating behavior and then supply genital stimulation until the cheeseball is thoroughly distracted. At this point extrude a long tendril from your body mass and use rapid, decisive motions to encircle the cheeseball’s neck with the tendril. Immediately tighten the tendril in the fashion of a noose, so as to produce a cessation in the cheeseball’s respiration.”

“You choke him to death? You just snuff him pronto?” asked Xlotl. Each moldie based its speech patterns on some different database. While Andrea had filled herself with science writing, Xlotl had steeped himself in hard-boiled detective novels and gangster film noirs .

“By no means,” said Andrea. “The goal is to render him unconscious so that you can operate on his brain. During the interval that you are constricting his throat, you must monitor his pulse, taking care that it does not become too slow or too irregular. Allow him to respire small amounts of air as needed. Meanwhile you elongate your tendril and insert its tip into his left nostril.”

“Eeew,” said Monique. “Guh-ross. I mean like what’s in his nose?” She had modeled her speech on the bubbly, questioning Valley Girl slang of the late-twentieth century. They were hovering on the thermals off the cliff s north of Santa Cruz, all three of them snapped into pelican mode, talking in the shrill, compressed chirps of encrypted sound that moldies could use to speak with each other. The moldies were like great birds, squawking high above the crawling, wrinkled sea—yet to each other, they sounded like people talking.

“One of the weakest spots in a flesher’s skull is the upper nasal sinus,” old Andrea explained. “Adjacent to the ocular orbit. This is where you must punch through with your tendril. At this point you will have free access to his brain. And you give him a thinking cap .”

“Cripes! A brain control!” exclaimed Xlotl.

“Your thinking cap will live in his skull like the pith on a nut in its hull,” said Andrea, cackling and flapping her wings. “The cap functions as an I/O port or like an internal uvvy. Once he has your thinking cap, the cheeseball is your peripheral device.”

“This sounds totally hard, Andrea,” said anxious Monique. “I’d be freakin’. What if I don’t choke him enough? And then I’m all ‘Where’s the weak spot?’ I am so sure. And how am I supposed to know how to like hook a thinking cap into some pervo flesher’s brain?”

“Come close, children,” said Andrea. “I can give you copies of the full specs for a human brain interface. Make a physical contact with me for direct transmission.”

The three soaring pelicans brushed wings, and Andrea downloaded a petabyte of information to each of the younger moldies. Thanks to the conductive polymers which filled their plastic tissues, moldies could communicate electromagnetically as well as by sound.

“Andrea, have you ever really done it? Tell me true,” sang Monique after storing the info.

“Yes, I have given thinking caps to two cheeseballs in the past,” said Andrea. “I refer of course to Spike Kimball and Abdul Quayoom—of whom I have often spoken. As my servants, these men left their families and their old lives. All of their assets and possessions were liquidated, with the full proceeds being given to me. By use of these resources, I have been able to purchase rejuvenation treatments as well as to buy the imipolex necessary to bring you and Xanana into the world, Monique.”

Spike Kimball had been a muscular Mormon missionary who’d asked Andrea for sex three years ago, and Abdul Quayoom had been an Islamic rug programmer who’d approached Andrea three years before that. If they’d been smarter, instead of trying to have sex with Andrea, they would have burned her in a puddle of alcohol.

“So what do you do with a mark after you bleed him dry?” asked Xlotl.

“Make him shoot himself? Have him swan-dive off a building to cave in his skull?”

“The direct control of a cheeseball must be of limited temporal duration,” said Andrea. “Otherwise the danger of discovery becomes too great. And it is indeed essential that the cheeseball be terminated in such a way that no trace of the user’s thinking cap can be found in his remains. Do you want to hear what I did to Quayoom and Kimball? About how I helped them follow their death angels Moroni and Izra’il into the beyond?”

“Oh yes,” cried Monique and Xlotl.

“I directed them each to swim a mile out into the ocean at night and tread water there until hypothermia enabled them to drown. Once the subject had experienced brain death, I had my thinking cap crawl out of his nose and swim like a fish to meet me, waiting upon the shore.”

“Whoah, that’s cold,” said Monique.

“Many fleshers would treat us with equal severity,” said Andrea primly. “And remember, dear Monique, it is only by these means that I was able to acquire sufficient resources to continue my life after having given birth to you and Xanana. Would you deny your own mother the chance to rejuvenate herself? Moldie flesh is exorbitantly precious. Certainly you wouldn’t want to stoop to victimizing other moldies instead of fleshers. I’ve heard that’s what the loonie moldies do. You wouldn’t want to be like them.”

So when the hillbilly cheeseball solicited Monique from the door of Room 3D, she started thinking about giving him a thinking cap—thinking a mile a minute. Should she? Could she? Dare she try?

Just then Xlotl’s voice spoke up in Monique’s head. “Time for lunch break, baby. Meet me down at the beach?” The Los Trancos Taco Bar liked Xlotl to take an hour or more off around noon, so that his presence wouldn’t repel people wanting to have lunch. In principle, Xlotl could have sealed his pores and become nearly odorless, but human prejudice ran deep. It was better not to have him in the place when a lot of folks were eating.

“Totally,” thought back Monique. “There’s something I want to discuss with you in person.” Due to the irredeemable promiscuity of electromagnetic radiation, no uvvy link could be secure enough for planning murder.

Monique waved enticingly to the cheeseball behind his green-and-red­-stickered window glass, then flounced down the stairs to Beach Street.

A moldie bus full of tourists went quietly pattering past, followed by five moldies acting as rickshaws and carrying individual people. Monique boinged around them, chirping hellos to the ones that she recognized, and then she was on the beach. Looking up the hill toward the Los Trancos Taco Bar, Monique could see her darling husband hopping toward her. Xlotl resembled his wife Monique—he was shaped like a coppery Aztec chessman with a mouth like a purple slash in his face.