Rudy Rucker - The Ware Tetralogy

Outside it had turned cold, and the wind was picking up. Babs, Randy, Yoke, and Cobb picked their way down the street to the Anubis.

To Babs’s embarrassment, Thutmosis Snooks recognized Randy from thirty feet away. Thutmosis was, as usual, working the street out in front of the Anubis, acting as doorman and barker, inchworming his bulk back and forth, flaunting his stylized pharaoh beard and his striped blue and gold headdress.

“Randy Karl Tucker,” bellowed the shiny gold moldie. “Got some more money from home? Isis is booked solid tonight, but—you’re gonna need your sperm for this, my man—we’ve got six new moldies, three female and three—”

“Hey, damp it down there, Thutmosis,” said Randy. “I ain’t into that kilp no more. This here’s my lady friend, Babs Mooney.”

Babs gritted her teeth, smiled and bowed. “Babs Mooney?” said Thutmosis, peering closer at her. “I’m terrible at recognizing fleshers. Except for the egregious few like our Kentucky Fried Randy Karl Tucker. It’s an honor to have you visit us, Ms. Mooney. Give our very best regards to Senator Stahn. I’m going to comp you and your party.” He gave Randy a soft shove toward the ship. “That means no charge, country cousin, so go right in. Enjoy yourself. And ah, here’s old Cobb again too. Kleopatra’s been talking about you, you dog. What a stellar company this is! And, hmmm, last but not least is little Yoke Starr-Mydol, isn’t it? The moon-maid. No superleeches tonight, I trust? Where’s your friend Phil? His ex recently joined our staff.”

Some passersby were hesitating as if wondering whether to come in, so now Thutmosis started in on them. “Yes, noble pilgrims, you’ve found the good ship Anubis. Come aboard! You’ll be beamed, steamed, dreamed, reamed, and triple-creamed. We got the biggest, juiciest, gnarliest camote nuggets in town. The toughest moldie dicks and the tenderest moldie janes. Take a walk on the Egyptian side. Are any of you gawking fleshapoid hicks experienced? Wonderful. Guess what, my floatin’ friend, we’ve added six, yes six, moldie staffmembers! And an amazing new lady performer as well. Hurry on in and you can catch our all-new stage show featuring the meltingly human Kevvie in a uniquely personal encounter with the bird-headed moldie Haresh. This evening’s second performance is just starting. Pay once out here, friends, and the rest of the evening is cost-free plus standard gratuities.”

“Gratuities like your brain and everything you own,” muttered Babs as she and Randy walked up the gangplank, which flowed with a million colored lights. “You’re lucky you didn’t pick up a thinking cap here Monday night Randy.”

“I know all about that,” said Randy, pulling something out of his pocket. Two transparent, flexing pieces of plastic, a bit like limpware dental appliances, capable of adjusting themselves to fit. “These are titaniplast nose blockers. I brought the two along so’s you could use one too.”

“Can’t we just avoid getting too intimate with any moldies?” asked Babs. “I hope you’re not planning to—”

“All I’m here for is to ask the Metamartians about the allas,” said Randy. “Swear to God, Babs. And to show you a good time. But wearin’ a nose blocker in this kind o’ place is what I’d call a reasonable precaution.”

Babs was intrigued by Randy’s low-life expertise. They stepped off to a quiet corner of the ship’s deck and she let him show her how to put on the nose blocker while Yoke and Cobb watched. You had to half swallow it and then use your tongue and breath to push it up over your dangling throat thingie—over your uvula—and into the back of your nose. And once it was there it settled itself into place. It made your voice sound funny, and for a minute Babs and Randy stood there making honking noises at each other and laughing.

“Hey,” interjected Cobb. “I’m going on down below to look for the Metamartians. See you three later.”

“Thanks a lot for not bringing me a nose blocker!” said Yoke to Randy after Cobb left .

“Like I’m gonna be doin’ you favors,” said Randy. “Little snip. Alla up your own nose blocker, why don’tcha. Ain’t nobody watching us.”

“Incorrect,” said a small, deep voice.

“It’s Josef!” exclaimed Babs. “I recognize his voice. That cute little beetle? I don’t think you noticed him the other day, Randy. He’s one of the aliens. Where are you, Josef?”

“Here,” said the beetle, and buzzed down from the ship’s rigging to land on Babs’s shoulder. “It’s safe to use your alla, Yoke, almost everyone else is below-decks for the performance.” So Yoke popped a small glowing mesh into the air and made herself a nose blocker.

“Is that skanky Kevvie really doing a moldie live sex show?” asked Babs.

“That’s what Thutmosis meant?” said Yoke in a strangled voice. She’d just put the nose blocker in her mouth.

“This must be Kevvie’s new job,” said Babs. “I hear she has to move out of Derek and Calla’s place by March first. She’s hustling to get money for a new room.”

“Yes, Kevvie and Haresh have been performing together,” confirmed Josef. “But they already did it once this evening, and Haresh is questioning the artistic validity of repeating such an act. We’re about to leave the Anubis in any case.”

“Hell, I think this tub’s got a primo buzz to it,” said Randy. “Sex and drugs and moldies and aliens. Something waaald about a party boat, even if it is stuck in the mud. Have you ever tried camote, Babs?”

“I did all that in high school,” said Babs. “Drugs make me uptight. I try to see God, but I end up in a loop of neurosis. That’s just how it is for me. I’m fine with beer, wine, and loud music.” She let Josef crawl onto the tip of her finger. “Anyhow, Josef! We want you guys to tell us how to make allas. Because today Randy figured out that when one of us dies, our alla registers itself to the next person who picks it up. Which means, since people are such greedy pigs, that when the secret gets out, we’re dead meat.”

“Interesting,” said Josef, and fell silent for a while. “This had not occurred to me,” he said finally. “And I’ve just uvvied the others, and they hadn’t thought of it either. You must realize that death for us is a very minor thing, what with our two-dimensional time and many lives. In your merely one-dimensional time, death is—”

“You gonna tell us how to copy allas or not?” demanded Randy. He swept his hand like someone catching a fly, trying to snatch up Josef, but the prescient beetle eluded him by sliding down Babs’s finger at just the right instant.

“Force will get you nowhere, Randy,” said Josef from Babs’s palm. “It’s not our decision as to when you humans can have the power to make an unlimited number of allas. But I’m sure Om will give you the knowledge soon. Om likes for beings to use her allas.”

“Who is this Om?” asked Babs. “You guys said ‘Praise Om’ the other day.”

“Om is our god,” said Josef. “She follows us around. Now that the Metamartians are on Earth, Om is present.”

“Om has something to do with the powerball as well as the allas,” added Yoke. “What about Phil, Josef? Can you ask Om how Phil’s doing? Or can Om talk to me directly?”

Josef was quiet for a moment. “Om says Phil is fine. And that he’ll be back soon. But, no, Om can’t easily communicate with humans due to the one-dimensionality of your time.”

“Shitfire,” exclaimed Randy. “All this bug can do is bitch about our time? What kind o’ bullshit is that? He’s wastin’ our time, what it is. I say we go downstairs and see the show. I missed it on Monday.”