Rudy Rucker - The Ware Tetralogy

“Praise Om,” said the new Metamartians.

“This is insane,” said Babs. “What happens to the little guys now?”

“We feel it’s ecologically unsound for one of us to have more than one body in a given time-line,” piped the tiny Shimmer. “Farewell.” And the six small Metamartians dissolved into poofs of air—effectively killing themselves.

“I don’t think people could ever act that way,” marveled Yoke.

Josef buzzed over to perch on Yoke’s pillow. “I’m happy to see you again, Yoke,” he said.

“What happened to you on Vava’u?” asked Yoke. “You disappeared when I needed you. When all those Tongans were crowding in on me.”

“There was no way out for you,” said Josef. “You’d painted yourself into a corner, as one says. Remember that we can see a little way into the future. I didn’t want to be there when Tashtego and Daggoo arrived to deliver the great scolding.”

Babs was all agog, smiling at and touching the aliens. “I don’t know what to ask first,” she laughed. “Where you’re from, what you want—this is wonderful. At first I thought you were just Silly Putters, or moldies.”

“Our essence is energy,” said Shimmer. “We can incorporate ourselves in various ways. The moldie form seems to be convenient. For now.” She glanced up at the sunlit windows high in the warehouse walls. “I’m ready to get out and about and see some things. To be a tourist! Our plan for now is to blend in and mingle. And then Om will spread the allas, and we’ll mate, and we’ll move on.”

A warning gong sounded, meaning that someone had just entered Babs’s front door. “Maybe that’s Randy and Cobb,” said Babs, looking upset. “They went out last night and they never came back.” She hurried off .

“Great day in the morning!” came Randy Karl Tucker’s voice. “You’re all paisleyed up there, Babs. Checkerboard paisley everywhar!”

Cobb’s deep voice murmured something. And then there was a crash of someone knocking over a chair.

“You gross cheeseball. Randy!” cried Babs. “And you’re lifted on camote? Here I thought we might start a relationship and you act so—so disgusting! You’re a sporehead and a cheese-ball. I wish I’d never seen you! And, no, you can’t go back there.”

The low rumble of Cobb’s voice came again, and then Randy’s voice lifted in incoherent ranting that segued into words. “Hiiigh as a kite tail! Babs don’t want me to head this-a-way, Jose? Well that’s whar I’m a-goin’!” Another crash, followed by snorting sounds and more yelling. “Fee-fie-­foe-fum, I smell fuck plastic!” A pile of books tumbled over, and then Randy appeared, followed by Cobb and Babs.

Yoke had never seen Randy like this. Instead of his usual timid, intro­verted self, he was wild and expansive. For his part, Cobb looked the way he had after all that betty in Tonga. Quivery. Evidently the two of them had spent the night on the Anubis getting lifted and having sex with hooker moldies. Like great-grandfather, like great-grandson. Icky, sad, and kind of funny. Yoke felt sorry for Babs. She’d obviously had hopes for Randy.

At the sight of the aliens, Cobb hiccupped and sat down on the floor, his skin rippling with rapid wrinkles. Randy made a beeline for Shimmer, shoving Peg the unicorn to one side.

“Dog with an antler, what the hell. Look at this milky mama.” He lurched forward, throwing his arms around Shimmer’s neck and sniffing deeply. “Hey thar. Want to make twenty bucks the hard way?”

“Greetings, Randy. I am Shimmer from Metamars.”

“Whoah!” said Randy. “I’m in looove. Sex with an alien! He ardently embraced Shimmer, and instead of pushing him away, the alien lowered herself down onto Yoke’s bed with Randy on top of her. Yoke sprang up, getting well out of range. “If we do it, can I have an alla too, Shimmer?” Randy was saying. “I’m the natural man to show you the facts o’ life.”

Even though Shimmer was making a noise that could have been laughter, Ptah and Wubwub dragged Randy off of Shimmer, Ptah pulling Randy’s legs and Wubwub pushing his chest with his snout. Siss wrapped herself around Randy’s body, strapping down his arms. Haresh the giant mynah bird strutted over to peer at Randy’s face.

“Is this typical human mating behavior?” asked Haresh, cocking his head.

“Don’t even,” said Babs. “He is so far from any semblance.”

“Randy’s a cheeseball,” explained Yoke. “He likes to have sex with moldies. He thought you were a moldie, Shimmer.”

“Who says she ain’t?” said Randy, trying to raise his hand to his face, seeming not to understand that his arm was held I down by Siss’s coils. “The nose knows.” Randy kept on trying to move his arm, soddenly strug­gling against Siss.

“Let him go,” said Shimmer. “He’s harmless.”

“I wouldn’t trust him,” said Ptah. “What if he somehow pollutes your plastic?” But Siss went ahead and uncoiled.

“Once I git naked, I’ll do some harm on you all right,” said Randy, crawling forward to rest his head facedown in Shimmer’s lap. He inhaled deeply. “The nose knows.” This time Randy managed to lay his finger against his nose, but in the process he rolled off of Shimmer’s thighs, bounced off the edge of the bed, and clunked his head on the floor. “Ow,” said Randy, and fell asleep.

“What a colorful individual,” said Shimmer.

“I pick the absolute worst men,” said Babs.

“I hope you have some other prospects,” said Yoke.

“There’s always Theodore,” said Babs. “I’m going to do a mental reset, Yoke. Like ‘Randy is just a friend and I have no feelings for this man.’ Reset, reset, reset. Yes, I’m going to call Theodore today. He’s been wanting to take me out to a brain-concert.”

“You go, girl,” said Yoke. “I wonder if I’m going to have to wash Cobb again.”

“What do you mean?” asked Babs.

“He’s high on betty. Last time he got like this he almost died. I had to knead him with my feet for ten minutes in the shower.”

“Betty’s bad,” said Babs. “My mother took it once and— ugh .” Yoke recalled that Babs’s mother Wendy Mooney was a human/moldie hybrid. That is, Wendy had a tank-grown human body that was run by a scarf-shaped moldie that did all the actual thinking.

Now Babs went back to marveling at the aliens. “Randy’s right,” she said, petting Peg’s mane. “You seem just like moldies. But—prettier. I don’t mind if you stay here for a while. I don’t really mind the moldie smell, you know. It reminds me of my mother. Tell me more about where you come from. It’s called Metamars?”

“Yes,” said Josef. “That’s where we began. But now we travel forever. Our near-term goal when we depart is to get back to a zone of two-dimen­sional time.” He flew from Yoke’s pillow to Babs’s shoulder, and started talking to her about higher dimensions, with Haresh and Siss listening and adding comments.

While they talked, Yoke crouched down and touched Cobb. He didn’t seem nearly so shaky and blotchy as he’d been in Tonga. Presumably this time he hadn’t taken an overdose. So she left Cobb to sit there, grinning and shivering.

Yoke needed fresh clothes. The alla was still lying on the floor where she’d thrown it; she picked it up. She popped out black tights, silver boots like Phil’s, a shrimp-colored skirt, and a thick black wool turtleneck.

“So you do enjoy the miraculous alla,” said Peg. “And our superb catalog.”

“They’re okay,” said Yoke casually.

“Can I have an alla?” asked Babs, interrupting Josef’s science lecture. She’d been closely watching Yoke make her clothes.