Allen Zadoff: Since You Left Me

I say it again. Out loud in the empty synagogue.

“God.”

The space feels less empty.

“Thank you,” I say. “Not because things worked out, because they didn’t. I pretty much got screwed on the Mom and Judi Jacobs front. And I won’t be graduating from B-Jew. So I really can’t thank you for that.”

My leg is falling asleep. I move on the pew, shift from one butt cheek to the other.

“And I can’t thank you for this pew, which is hard and hurts my tuchas .”

The eternal flame flickers. I wonder if God is pissed at me for saying tuchas in synagogue. Maybe he hates that I used a slang term for ass , or maybe he loves that I spoke Yiddish at all. But I can’t believe in a God like that, one who hates or loves according to an obscure set of rules. I have to believe in one I can say anything to. I can tell him the truth, I can be myself, and he doesn’t blink.

“I can’t thank you for making things work out, but maybe I can thank you for being with me while they didn’t.”

Was God with me?

I close my eyes and think about it for a while. I don’t get any answers.

Instead of pushing through and trying to figure it out, I hold the question in my head like the guru taught me. I sit with it. I sit with the idea of God.

After a while I look at my phone. A half hour has passed. I think it’s the longest I’ve ever been in a synagogue voluntarily.

I should leave now, but I don’t want to.

I want to stay.

I want to sit with God a little longer.

Special thanks to Danny Silberstein and Simon Lousky for sharing their experiences in and out of Jewish school (and teaching me about getting flipped).

Thanks to Taaly Silberstein for opening her home to me on many a Shabbat and for her beautiful example of what it means to live a Jewish life. Much thanks to Adam Silberstein for his incredible support, knowledge, and perspective.

Extra special thanks to Ira Gewanter for his early read of the manuscript.

As always, I’m very grateful to Stuart Krichevksy, Shana Cohen, and Ross Harris at SK for taking such good care of me.

Finally, a giant thanks to Elizabeth Law and the Egmont team for making book three together such a great experience.

Food, Girls, and Other Things I Can’t Have

My Life, the Theater, and Other Tragedies

First published by Egmont USA, 2012

443 Park Avenue South, Suite 806

New York, NY 10016

Copyright © Allen Zadoff, 2012

All rights reserved

www.egmontusa.com

www.allenzadoff.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Zadoff, Allen.

Since you left me : a novel / by Allen Zadoff.

p. cm.

Summary: “A Jewish teenager struggles to find something to believe in and keep his family together in the cultural confusion of modern-day Los Angeles”—Provided by publisher.

eISBN: 978-1-60684-297-3

[1. Faith—Fiction. 2. Jews—United States—Fiction. 3. Single-parent families—Fiction. 4. High schools—Fiction. 5. Schools—Fiction. 6. Family life—California—Los Angeles—Fiction. 7. Los Angeles (Calif.)—Fiction.] I. Title.

PZ7.Z21Sin 2012

[Fic]—dc23

2012003782

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher and copyright owner.

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