Jasper Fforde - The Great Troll War

‘Do we tell her?’ asked Princess Tabathini. ‘I mean, power like that can go to a person’s head, and the next thing we know she’ll be wanting a toilet of pure gold and have an honour guard dressed in peacock feathers and bacon.’

‘Does that happen?’ asked Tiger.

‘More than you think,’ said Tabathini, rolling her eyes.

‘I’ll speak to her,’ I said, ‘but keep this under your hat, eh?’

Princess Tabathini walked off and Tiger and I looked at one another again. The Princess didn’t seem like the sort of person who would suddenly want a gold toilet, but you never knew with princesses.

As soon as we’d entered the ballroom for the meeting and been given our name badges, Monty Vanguard walked over. After escaping Zambini Towers, he’d been in the first wave of displaced citizens to get to Cornwall. As ranking sorcerer he’d directed the filling of the Button Trench, then set up a command post in the Queens Hotel, ostensibly because he had stayed there for a couple of nights in the eighties and really liked it.

‘Hello, Monty,’ I said, ‘how’s the Button Trench holding up?’

‘Secure for the moment,’ he said, ‘although quite what’s stopping them having a human contingent under threat of eat-death remove the buttons to allow them to cross is a little confusing.’

‘Or simply a large tree felled to bridge the gap,’ said Tiger, ‘or a coach.’

‘I agree,’ said Monty. ‘They’re waiting for something.’

‘Shandar was behind all this,’ I replied, ‘and I think it’s something bigger than reluctance over giving refunds. 14 14 He had been paid a lot of gold to get rid of the Dragons – which he didn’t. How are the observers doing?’

‘Up and running,’ he said. The first task after the Button Trench was completed had been to create a chain of observers who could report in with news of Troll movements to the Human Defence Control room situated in the hotel’s Reading Room.

‘We’ve got at least twelve observers in each Kingdom. They’re also part of an attempt to set up splinter resistance groups who will be ready to move when we have a centralised plan to retake the islands. Since the HENRY has wiped out all wizidrical forms of communication – shoe, conch or hubcap 15 15 Suitably paired, any two identical receptacles can be used for two-way communication. Shoes only work over a short distance but are convenient to carry. A pedal bin will certainly work up to a hundred miles and a well-paired tuba can reach Australia, although the voice at the other end sounds like Vaughn Williams’s Bass Tuba Concerto in F Minor. – we’re having to rely on antiquated telephone networks with two-way homing snails as a back-up.’

Snails, as anyone will tell you, are only slow through lack of motivation. Suitably enthused, the average snail could match a human at a fast trot, with several larger varieties able to outrun a horse, so long as their moisture content holds out.

‘Okay, then,’ I said, ‘and how are you doing?’

Monty Vanguard was less of a spell maker and more of a spell writer . He wrote spells mainly using the modern ARAMAIC spell language, but could also edit with the ancient RUNIX, which was very useful when trying to figure out how old spells worked, and whether they could be adapted for a more modern use. His most recent triumph was finding a way to utilise the ancient spell that kept bicycles from falling over and rewriting it to offer an auto-stabilisation system for octogenarians who were now a little unsteady on their legs.

‘I’m holding up okay,’ said Monty in the sort of way that meant he wasn’t, ‘but I do miss Wizard Moobin.’

‘So do we all. Any late arrivals for the Conclave?’

He passed me a list of the attendees.

‘No one significant has arrived for over twenty-four hours,’ he replied. ‘I’ve invited non-wizidrical interested parties, too, as you requested.’

I thanked him and walked inside the large and well-decorated ballroom, all chandeliers and decorative plasterwork, with large picture windows lining the side facing the sea. The hotel staff had arranged the tables in a rough circle, and I sat to gather my thoughts. A lot had happened in the past fortnight, and I was still trying to keep up with the rapidly changing sequence of events.

I sighed. The Great Zambini would have known what to do.

Zambini had been my mentor, employer and, after the Mighty Shandar, the most powerful mage on the planet. 16 16 Even more powerful than either of them, if she hadn’t had her index fingers removed, was Once Magnificent Boo – hence the honorific. He’d pulled Kazam together when magic was a dying art and had been working tirelessly to preserve the power and majesty of magic until he vanished while performing at a children’s party. He only reappeared from time to time, and never for very long. In his brief appearances I learned he’d become suspicious that he had been taken out of the picture deliberately, and I was convinced he was right. Since only he could realistically challenge the Mighty Shandar, it would make sense for Shandar to remove anyone who could stop him. When sorcerers go to the bad side, things can get very bad indeed.

‘Have I missed anything?’ asked the Princess as she sat next to me. ‘I’ve not been to a Sorcerer’s Conclave before, it’s rather exciting.’

‘We haven’t started yet. Look, I need to speak to you about something.’

‘Is it about Rule 35b?’ she asked in a quiet voice.

‘You know about that?’

‘My mother insisted I read the The Rulebook of Rules about Ruling for Rulers several times. I didn’t mention it earlier as being the supreme leader tends to make one a target for assassination and kidnappings by agents of a foreign power – and people start to grovel a lot and avert their eyes, which is just plain tiresome. It could be useful, though, leading the Kingdoms – and you know what?’

‘What?’

‘According to Rule 35b, I don’t actually have to give the Kingdoms back once the Trolls are vanquished. With absolute power comes the absolute right to do what I want even when the threat is removed. I could leave everything as it was, or radically alter the island – even towards a unification: one land, one people.’

‘You mean we could be a United UnUnited Kingdoms?’ asked Colin the Dragon, who had been listening intently. ‘Now that could be a thing. Standardised currency and education, a broad and attainable public health system for all, targeted financial assistance for those most in need and a centralised government that would promote trade by removing border controls. There could also be freedom of movement,’ he added, suddenly getting quite carried away, ‘equal opportunity employment rights, a banning of discriminatory practices and a responsible and workable constitution so citizens could enjoy broad and defendable rights and equality of opportunity. Best of all,’ he added, ‘domestic electrical plugs can all be the same. That one they use in Financia is just, well, weird .’

‘Five prongs,’ said Tiger, ‘and two of them made of liquorice.’

‘I like the sound of all that,’ said the Princess, ‘especially the plugs. I make you Minister for Good Ideas and Kingdom Integration – starting from now.’

‘Oh,’ said Colin, blinking twice, ‘thank you.’

‘No problem – but we’ve got to get rid of the Trolls first – then we can unite the country.’

‘Which d’you think will be harder?’ asked Tiger.

‘I think they’re probably about the same.’

The Princess removed the Helping Hand ™from her wrist and placed it into sleep mode. A Helping Hand ™was a useful magical gadget that was in effect a disembodied hand that could be utilised to help drive a car with heavy steering, reaching up to paint places you couldn’t reach and even playing accompaniment on a double bass. Since the Princess had lost her hand in hand-to-hand combat, she had come to rely on it, even though it was several sizes too big, was male, hairy, and had ‘no more pies’ tattooed on the back.