Jasper Fforde - The Great Troll War

‘Are those your terms?’ he asked.

‘They are,’ I said.

‘It’s a big ask,’ he said. ‘I need the power of an entire sun before I can warp spacetime significantly enough to travel the distances I need – but no matter. We’ll drop off at Proxima Centauri 54 54 It’s the nearest star to ours, about 4.2 light-years away. If Shandar was planning on getting there in thirty-seven years, he was going to have to circumvent some pretty big physical laws. and harness the power of that star instead. It’ll take us thirty-seven years to get there, but with time eternal, I’m not troubled. We’ve got a lot of books and all the music we could want. I think I packed some jigsaws, too. With the Hollow Men and Women to wait on us, it’ll be fun. So yes, I agree to your terms – with one proviso.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘When you turn eighteen, you marry me. Not a big party. Just you and me and D’Argento and the empty suits. We’ll be a husband-and-wife galactic domination team. I’ll order the killings and the torture, and you can handle the mercy, diplomacy and soft furnishings. You’ll save billions of lives, Jennifer. What do you say?’

‘Is that a deal-breaker?’

‘It is. Marriage to me – or Planet Earth dies. What’s it to be?’

I tensed inwardly, but showed no outward emotion.

‘Deal.’

‘Then that’s all agreed,’ he said with a grin. ‘It’s going to be quite a journey, and one that I don’t think you’ll regret.’

‘I’ll need to say my goodbyes,’ I said, ‘and I’d like to bring my Volkswagen. Where I go, it goes.’

‘Agreed. I’ll have them leave a space – and I’ll get the Hollow Women to stock up with some spares. What engine does it have?’

‘The twelve hundred – and with six-volt electrics.’

‘You never had it upgraded?’

‘It has a cast pedestal 55 55 This is a geeky in-joke reference to early Volkswagens. You can safely ignore it. so I couldn’t without swapping out the engine.’

He made a note.

‘Okay, then. Don’t forget the Quarkbeast, now – oh, and nothing magical is allowed on board the tower. No amulets, Dibble Storage Jars, no tricks – nothing.’

‘It’ll be just me and the Beast and the car.’

‘See you later, then.’

And he vanished, but this time without the dramatic pillar of fire.

I looked at the Princess and Tiger, who were staring back at me.

‘What?’ I said. ‘It’s a no-brainer, and a good deal in the circumstances.’

‘It’s not a good deal for you,’ said the Princess. ‘I mean … marrying him?’

I thought for a moment and took a deep breath.

‘Y’know what? Although Zambini and Mother Zenobia moulded me to defeat him, perhaps I don’t get to thwart Shandar’s plans after all, but simply to relocate them – and a long way away. Besides,’ I added, ‘I save billions of lives on Earth, and countless more on planets I’ve never heard of during eons that are yet to begin. I may even get to save alien species that haven’t yet evolved. That’s a weird one to get your head around, but it’s the best and biggest and finest gig anyone will ever get, no matter which way you look at it.’

I sighed. When Zambini and Zenobia had only a few decades to counter a threat three centuries in the making, they did what they could, not what they wanted.

I stared for a moment at the now-redundant Button Trench.

‘It served its purpose well,’ said Tiger, following my gaze, ‘and no one should forget that Wizard Moobin gave his life to build it.’

‘All sacrifices have been noted,’ said the Princess. ‘All those who gave themselves to defeat the Trolls will be honoured.’

We all lapsed into silence for a while.

‘Let’s go and have some breakfast,’ I said finally. ‘I think we’ve earned it.’

The conversation over breakfast was mixed in tone. The defeat of the Trolls was good news, but the Princess and her group of advisers were concerned that until Shandar was gone, caution should be the watchword. I was resigned to my future by now, but I think the Princess was annoyed and nervous in my stead, as was Tiger. After breakfast Lady Mawgon sought me out and took my hand, squeezed it and then gave me the brooch she always wore. It was of jet, with a dark sapphire in the centre the size of a pigeon’s egg.

‘Take this as a gift,’ she said, ‘to remind you of happier days at Zambini Towers. I regret not having been more pleasant to you, Jennifer, but it was my way. The Great Zambini was right: you are a very special person. The brooch is valuable. You are to carry it with you always.’

I mumbled my thanks and Lady Mawgon gave me a crusty hug that smelled of old wardrobes.

‘You will have the good grace not to mention to anyone I was kind to you?’ she asked. ‘These things can get around, and coming over as dismissive and aloof has really worked well for me down the years.’

I gave her a hug back.

‘Your secret’s safe with me.’

She smiled – the first I’d ever seen cross her grim visage – then moved quickly away. A lot of people wanted to speak to me, and their concern, although heartfelt and justified, made me feel as though I were more like a condemned convict up for a spell in the clink, rather than someone who was about to embark on a journey of unprecedented discovery until the end of time. But, weirdly, now I knew I was a countermeasure and my life had led up to this, accepting it as my destiny wasn’t really such a huge deal. This was Zambini and Mother Zenobia’s plan all along, and given that we’d avoided the destruction of the planet it was, in almost any way you looked at it, a dazzling success. Leaving everybody I’d ever known and loved, and the unanswered question about my parents, was just something I had to do.

Others had given far more.

‘Look,’ I said to the Princess after breakfast, ‘I’m not going to draw this out. It’s been a real pleasure knowing you, and I couldn’t think of anyone better to take the new, unified and pro-Europe Kingdoms into the modern world.’

The Princess didn’t reply. She just hugged me tightly. I’d been a friend and confidante and adviser to her, sure, but in the month we’d known one another, she’d become something closer to family. A sister, perhaps.

‘I’ll try and send a comet or something back with news,’ I said, knowing that this really wasn’t likely. She looked at me, her eyes brimming with tears.

‘I was an obnoxious waste of space good only for popping out royal heirs and choosing curtains until you chanced along,’ she said. ‘You made me what I am. Everything I will become I owe to you – and I’m really not sure I can do it on my own.’

I smiled.

‘Sure you can. You’re going to be a great ruler, and I can’t recommend Tiger highly enough if you ever need some straight-talking advice. Oh, and you know what? I may not have just chanced along. There was a plan here. If ever the Great Zambini returns, you can thank him for that – and once again from me.’

We hugged again and I turned away. I didn’t look back, either, just trotted out to the front of the hotel where I had parked my car. The Quarkbeast was already waiting for me, as was Tiger. His eyes were full of tears and he hugged me round the waist.

‘I have to go,’ I said.

‘I know that,’ said Tiger, ‘and have no argument with it: You’re totally doing the right thing. It’s just that … I’m going to really miss you.’

‘And I you. Mind you,’ I added, ‘I always thought I’d die young, not miss out on dying altogether. Funny how things turn out, eh?’