Jasper Fforde - The Great Troll War

‘It was more likely so Daddy and others could sell shedloads of military hardware,’ said the Princess sadly. ‘Nothing like exaggerating a non-existent threat to sell rocket launchers, field artillery and a few hundred landships. 28 28 Vast tracked vehicles four storeys high and with a crew of eighteen; there is one described in Song of the Quarkbeast . ’

It had long been suspected this was the case. The King of Snodd’s Useless Brother had once tried to declare war on the ocean so he could sell thousands of his ‘anti-sea’ artillery shells – all guaranteed to hit the target with one hundred per cent accuracy. But Monty was right. The Trolls hadn’t once tried to invade in nearly two thousand years.

‘They are a distraction to aid Shandar’s plans,’ said Full Price. ‘With the Kingdoms under the heel of the Troll, no one could oppose him.’

‘That sounds logical,’ I said. ‘Carry on with your report, please, Lady Mawgon.’

‘Our observers have been reporting in hourly,’ said Mawgon. ‘Estimates vary but it looks as though there are currently two million Trolls in the Kingdoms and their numbers are still rising.’

She pointed at Trollvania on the map – everything north of the Troll Walls. There were two walls, the second about ten miles north of the first, reputedly the result of a mix-up during the wall-building contract-tendering stage. They ran roughly from the River Clyde in the west to Stirling in the East. Mawgon explained that although the area north of the walls was large in size, 29 29 You would know it as Scotland, more or less. the number of Trolls ever seen from the air on photo reconnaissance missions was nil.

‘Where are they coming from?’ asked Monty.

‘We don’t know,’ said Lady Mawgon, ‘but it explains why the last five Troll Wars have resulted in utter defeat and failure: the visible number of Trolls was always low, yet their numbers were massive when attacked.’

We mused on this for a moment.

‘What about Shandar’s interest in Quarkbeasts?’ I asked.

‘While I was being held for ransom in the Cambrian Empire,’ said Once Magnificent Boo, ‘Quarkbeasts from all over the planet were being traded, cajoled, trapped and tricked into returning to the UnUnited Kingdoms in Shandar’s private aircraft. There are thirty-six of them in total and I think we should assume he’s almost got the full set.’

‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast, who was under the table, licking the chrome off an aircraft’s undercarriage he had found.

We all fell into silence after this, thinking about just how bad this might be.

‘Oh, I get it,’ said the Princess, who was lagging behind. ‘Shandar wants to harness not just the power of a pair of Quarkbeasts conjoining – but all thirty-six together. ’

‘And focus all that power into himself with the Eye of Zoltar,’ I added.

Monty gave a low whistle and even the Mysterious X seemed to glow more brightly in his Kilner jar for a moment. It would be an awesome amount of wizidrical power. And given that Shandar was already powerful, it would put him on another level entirely.

‘How much crackle are we talking about?’ asked Tiger.

‘With all thirty-six conjoining simultaneously,’ said Lady Mawgon, ‘there would be about 2.1 TeraShandars. 30 30 A thousand Shandars is a KiloShandar, a thousand KiloShandars is a GigaShandar, and a thousand GigaShandars is a TeraShandar. It’s a lot. Enough to do some pretty strong magic – but he must need every possible ounce of power if he wants your Quarkbeast as well.’

‘Wait a minute,’ I said, recalling an earlier conversation with Once Magnificent Boo, back when I first met her at her home – a sort of refuge for abused Quarkbeasts, ‘didn’t you say that as soon as the combinations are fulfilled, they will come together and merge into a single Quota of fully Quorumed Quarkbeasts, and all the great unanswered questions of the world will be answered?’

‘I did indeed,’ said Boo, ‘but I wasn’t expecting this.’

‘2.1 TeraShandars is a lot of power,’ mused Full Price, ‘enough to achieve world domination.’

‘Is that what he’s after?’ asked the Princess.

‘Megalomaniacs generally are, ma’am,’ said Lady Mawgon. ‘It’s very tiresome. We’ll assume it’s what he wants until we know otherwise.’

‘It might explain,’ I said, ‘why he was willing to sit out most of the last three centuries as stone: so he could wait until there were thirty-six pairs of Quarkbeasts, then harvest the awesome power of a mass conjoinment to feed his plans for planetary conquest.’

‘So the Quarkbeast was simply a Wizidrical Energy generating device?’

‘Looks like it.’

‘There’s a problem here,’ said Full Price, ‘2.1 TeraShandars is big, sure, but could only maintain world domination for about a year – maybe two if you economise on palaces, go for a less extensive wardrobe and cut out crowd-pleasing yet pointless demonstrations of power.’

‘Even a year of being World Emperor is still four months and three days longer than anyone else has managed.’

‘Maybe he’s going for the record,’ said Tiger.

‘It’s possible,’ said Boo, ‘but there are easier ways of getting into the Guinness Book of Records .’

‘He’ll be in for a sticky end once his power fades,’ said Full Price. ‘There’s a very good reason why there isn’t a murderous ex-megalomaniacs club.’

‘I have a question,’ said the Princess.

‘Go on.’

‘Shandar already has tons of power. Teleportation, setting up that HENRY, helping the Trolls, turning in and out of stone, destroying Zambini Towers, that sort of thing, right?’

‘Right.’

‘So why does he need to negotiate with us at all? If he’s so powerful, he could just kill us all and take the Quarkbeast. We have no magical powers to counter him, and even if he couldn’t or doesn’t want to kill us, he could just remove the Quarkbeast spookily, quietly, and without us even noticing. I can understand why he asked us to get the Eye of Zoltar as he wanted us out the way, but his recent demands? We’re missing a trick here.’

This was a very good point.

‘He must have a vulnerability,’ I said, ‘something that can stop, alter or ruin his plans. And if that’s so, it’s something we can exploit.’

I paused. ‘Why are you all staring at me?’

‘It’s you,’ said Lady Mawgon. ‘The Quarkbeast chose you to be its keeper, and you single-handedly brought the power of magic back into the world when you did that whole Berserker thing with Exhorbitus. Shandar foretold you would be the Last Dragonslayer – it was etched on the sword’s blade. You are part of this, you are the fly in his ointment, you have the power to oppose.’

‘That’s complete and utter nonsense,’ I said, knowing full well that’s exactly what it looked like. ‘There’s nothing chosen about me. I can’t do magic, I’ve never had that power.’

‘Maybe your power is the power to channel.’

‘That makes no sense. Sorcery is only ever about channelling.’

‘Copper has no power of its own,’ observed Colin, ‘but can transmit vast quantities of electricity.’

‘You’re all wrong,’ I said. ‘I’m just an orphan with accidental relevance. I’m going for a walk. Let me know when Feldspar gets back with a fix on Shandar’s location.’

And I walked out of the door feeling hot and annoyed.

I walked out the back of the hotel and to the car park. I wasn’t annoyed because of what they said, I was annoyed because it was very likely true. I had felt the power channel through me when I held up Exhorbitus back in the Dragonlands the day I slayed the last Dragon, and it had felt as though every cell in my body was being pulled apart. Pain I would never want to feel again. But there had been something else, too – I felt that my purpose, my destiny, was not yet fulfilled.