Penni Jones - Suicide Souls

“I guess so. That was the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.” I hope that it will always be the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.

I follow Naomi to the hall. Heavy breathing from the living room. I remember what that was like. Fucking to exhaustion. Endorphins and adrenaline making you feel numb and tingly at the same time. Daisy was always enthusiastic. Eager to please.

“Any ideas on how to crack your cousin’s nut?” Naomi asks, and for a second I think she’s talking about sex with my cousin and I’m really grossed out.

“Not yet. We played outside a lot. That makes it tough to figure out.”

“What about when it rained?” she asks.

“I’m having a hard time remembering. It seems like everything we did was outside, but that can’t be possible.”

“Did either of you have an Atari?”

“No way. Our folks were way too cheap for that.” Ataris were for kids whose dads didn’t come home smelling like motor oil and Old Milwaukee.

“Mine thought video games were somehow linked to Satan. Just like rock music, MTV, and the Smurfs,” Naomi says.

“We couldn’t even get MTV in Brownsville when I was a kid.”

“You know what me and my cousin used to do?” Naomi asks in a way that lets me know the idea just occurred to her.

“Make out?” I ask.

“No. Well, maybe once. We are from Arkansas, after all. But that’s not helpful right now.” She stands and spreads her arms as if something wonderful is right behind her. “We would play ‘Price Is Right.’ We would use shit from the pantry that still had price stickers on it. It was really fun.” It really was fun. I can tell by her sudden enthusiasm.

And there it is. The idea that had been waiting for me to find it. “We didn’t play that. But she did have a ‘Wheel of Fortune’ board game that we played sometimes.”

“Okay, okay. That’s a place to start. We just have to wait for them to turn on the TV.” Naomi forced a smile as if to say, “Maybe we won’t run out of time before that happens.”

We join the girls in the living room. They’re both wearing underwear and T-shirts. I’m both relieved and disappointed.

Daisy is making a sandwich for Alex.

That could have been my after-sex sandwich.

My main goal for the next go-around: contentment. Be happy with fucking and sandwiches and don’t feed the dissatisfaction.

“Put out your scent. Maybe that will do it,” Naomi says.

Bojangles is staring at her. She reaches out to pet him but doesn’t make contact. He responds with another low growl.

“Bojangles! What is wrong with you?” Daisy snaps at him.

He responds by cowering with his paws over his eyes.

“Is it just me or is this dog an asshole?” Daisy asks. “He’s been a growling weirdo all evening.”

“He’s very sensitive. Maybe you hurt his feelings somehow.” Alex grins and pecks Daisy on the forehead. I wish they weren’t such a cute couple.

I put out the patchouli and Pantene again. Daisy stops moving likes she’s trying to hear something very quiet.

“Do you smell that?” she asks Alex.

“Is it patchouli? You’re not wearing that shit, are you?”

“No way.” Daisy smiles and ruffles Alex’s hair.

Alex giggles and wraps her arms around Daisy’s waist.

“Do it again. The afterglow has them desensitized,” Naomi says.

Eben opens his door and creeps out into the hallway. He moves tentatively, as if he knew what his mom had just been up to. I don’t think I was aware of such things at nine. But my parents probably weren’t having sex by then. My dad was probably too drunk to have erections.

“Alex!” he says as he enters the kitchen and sees that his mom and Alex are dressed enough. He wraps his arms around her, and she kisses the top of his head.

“Hey, baby. What are you doing up?” she smiles at him warmly. The way a loving parent looks at their child.

“I had a dream about my dad.” One tear escapes before he chokes the rest down.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Daisy squats and pulls Eben toward her. She embraces him tightly.

I wish I could cry. I would if I could. Even with Naomi and her tits sitting next to me.

“Was it a sad dream?” Daisy asks.

“No. It was just so real.” He leans his head on his mother’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go back to sleep yet. Can I watch Spongebob for a few minutes?”

Daisy looks up to Alex, and Alex nods.

“Just one episode—twenty minutes. You have school tomorrow.” Daisy grabs his hand and leads him four paces to the living room. Eben sits down and Daisy sits next to him. Alex grabs my sandwich and joins them. She sits on the other side of my son.

“At least you don’t have to worry about whether or not her dick is bigger than yours,” Naomi says.

Our hands hover about the television as soon as Daisy turns it on. She quickly finds Eben’s cartoon.

“TV got much better after you died. Remember recording stuff on a VHS so you could watch it later?” Naomi asks.

“Yeah, sure.” We had HBO for a few months one time because they ran a free promotion. I recorded every movie that came on, filling tape after tape. I eventually stored all of them under my bed.

“Now we can tape it directly on TV and pull it up later. It’s called TiVo and it’s awesome.”

“Is Vanna White still on Wheel of Fortune ?” I ask. My friends and I pooled our money together to buy her issue of Playboy . We passed it around with each of us getting one day with Vanna. I didn’t get the magazine until day three. It was almost too sticky to open by then. But I persevered.

“Let’s put it on so you can see for yourself.”

Trying to visualize the Wheel of Fortune set is more difficult than I anticipated. Instead I conjure the memory of the puzzle board. The colorful wheel follows.

Naomi must have the entire set in her mind because the show pops onto the screen as if someone changed the channel.

“Hey!” Eben says. “What the hell’s wrong with the TV?”

“Don’t say ‘hell,’ Eben,” Alex says like she doesn’t really mean it.

Daisy pounds at the remote but nothing changes. But we have to stay focused. I put out my scent for extra measure.

Alex stands up and says, “Luke is here.”

Luke and I freeze in place, as if that will take back Alex’s revelation. He’s been made. But not in the way we need him to be.

“Do you feel him here, too?” Alex asks Daisy.

Daisy nods and says, “Earlier tonight, too. I swear I could smell him. And then a commercial came on for Rocko’s Modern Life .” Her lips turn up in a sad smile. “He made me watch that show all the time.”

“I don’t understand,” Eben says.

They both turn to him like they had forgotten his presence.

Daisy wraps her arm around his shoulder and says, “When our loved ones are in heaven, sometimes it feels like they visit us. It’s probably just wishful thinking.”

“That’s a lot of wishful thinking, Daisy. We couldn’t all three have been wishful thinking about him at the same time.”

Daisy cuts her eyes at Alex. It’s that “not in front of the kid” look. But Alex doesn’t seem to give a shit.

“Eben talked to Luke in a dream. It’s not like he’s oblivious.”

“If he’s here, does that mean he’ll stay?” Eben asks.

Daisy flashes Alex the standard “I told you so” look that couples share. How long have they been together?

“No, baby. He’s just visiting.” Alex jumps from the couch and goes to the bedroom.

Daisy pulls Eben closer and runs her fingers over his hair.

Luke is frozen in place in another one of his staring poses.