Terry Pratchett - The Last Hero

‘Then if we can rely on a stiff following breeze. I am sure—’

‘Just a moment, just a moment,’ said the Dean, who rather felt the wind comment had been directed at him. ‘What do we know of this man? He makes… devices, and paints pictures, does he? Well, I'm sure this is all very nice, but we all know about artists, don't we? Flibbertigibbets, to a man. And what about Bloody Stupid Johnson? Remember some of the things he built? 4I'm sure Mr da Quirm draws lovely pictures, but I for one would need a little more evidence of his amazing genius before we entrust the world to his… device. Show me one thing he can do that anyone couldn't do, if they had the time.’

‘I have never considered myself a genius,’ said Leonard, looking down bashfully and doodling on the paper in front of him.

‘Well, if I was a genius I think I'd know it—’ the Dean began, and stopped.

Absent-mindedly, while barely paying attention to what he was doing, Leonard had drawn a perfect circle.

Lord Vetinari found it best to set up a committee system. More of the ambassadors from other countries had arrived at the university, and more heads of the Guilds were pouring in, and every single one of them wanted to be involved in the decision-making process without necessarily going through the intelligence-using process first.

About seven committees, he considered, should be about right. And when, ten minutes later, the first sub-committee had miraculously budded off, he took aside a few chosen people into a small room, set up the Miscellaneous Committee, and locked the door.

‘The flying ship will need a crew, I'm told,’ he said. ‘It can carry three people. Leonard will have to go because, to be frank, he will be working on it even as it departs. And the other two?’

‘There should be an assassin,’ said Lord Downey of the Assassins' Guild.

‘No. If Cohen and his friends were easy to assassinate, they would have been dead long ago,’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘Perhaps a woman's touch?’ said Mrs Palm, head of the Guild of Seamstresses. ‘I know they are elderly gentlemen, but my members are—’

‘I think the problem there, Mrs Palm, is that although the Horde are apparently very appreciative of the company of women, they don't listen to anything they say. Yes, Captain Carrot?’

Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the City Watch was standing to attention, radiating keenness and a hint of soap.

‘I volunteer to go, sir,’ he said.

‘Yes, I thought you probably would.’

‘Is this a matter for the Watch?’ said the lawyer Mr Slant. ‘Mr Cohen is simply returning property to its original owner.’

‘That is an insight which had not hitherto occurred to me,’ said Lord Vetinari smoothly. ‘However, the City Watch would not be the men I think they are if they couldn't think of a reason to arrest anyone . Commander Vimes?’

‘Conspiracy to make an affray should do it,’ said the head of the Watch, lighting a cigar.

‘And Captain Carrot is a persuasive young man,’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘With a big sword,’ grumbled Mr Slant.

‘Persuasion comes in many forms,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘No, I agree with Archchancellor Ridcully, sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea.’

‘What? Did I say something?’ said Ridcully.

‘Do you think that sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea?’

‘What? Oh. Yes. Good lad. Keen. Got a sword.’

‘Then I agree with you,’ said Lord Vetinari, who knew how to work a committee. ‘We must make haste, gentlemen. The flotilla needs to leave tomorrow. We need a third member of the crew—’

There was a knock at the door. Vetinari signalled to a college porter to open it.

The wizard known as Rincewind lurched into the room, white-faced, and stopped in front of the table.

‘I do not wish to volunteer for this mission,’ he said.

‘I beg your pardon?’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘I do not wish to volunteer, sir.’

‘No one was asking you to.’

Rincewind wagged a weary finger. ‘Oh, but they will, sir, they will. Someone will say: hey, that Rincewind fella, he's the adventurous sort, he knows the Horde, Cohen seems to like him, he knows all there is to know about cruel and unusual geography, he'd be just the job for something like this.’ He sighed. ‘And then I'll run away, and probably hide in a crate somewhere that'll be loaded on to the flying machine in any case.’

‘Will you?’

‘Probably, sir. Or there'll be a whole string of accidents that end up causing the same thing. Trust me, sir. I know how my life works. So I thought I'd better cut through the whole tedious business and come along and tell you I don't wish to volunteer.’

‘I think you've left out a logical step somewhere,’ said the Patrician.

‘No, sir. It's very simple. I'm volunteering. I just don't wish to. But, after all, when did that ever have anything to do with anything?’

‘He's got a point, you know,’ said Ridcully. ‘He seems to come back from all sorts of—’

‘You see?’ Rincewind gave Lord Vetinari a jaded smile. ‘I've been living my life for a long time. I know how it works.’

There were always robbers near the Hub. There were pickings to be had among the lost valleys and forbidden temples, and also among the less prepared adventurers. Too many people, when listing all the perils to be found in the search for lost treasure or ancient wisdom, had forgotten to put at the top of the list ‘the man who arrived just before you’.

One such party was patrolling its favourite area when it espied, first, a well-equipped warhorse tethered to a frost-shrivelled tree. Then it saw a fire, burning in a small hollow out of the wind, with a small pot bubbling beside it. Finally it saw the woman. She was attractive or, at least, had been conventionally so perhaps thirty years ago. Now she looked like the teacher you wished you'd had in your first year at school, the one with the understanding approach to life's little accidents, such as a shoe full of wee.

She had a blanket around her to keep out the cold. She was knitting. Stuck in the snow beside her was the largest sword the robbers had ever seen.

Intelligent robbers would have started to count up the incongruities here.

These, however, were the other kind, the kind for whom evolution was invented .

The woman glanced up, nodded at them, and went on with her knitting.

‘Well now, what have we here?’ said the leader. ‘Are you—’

‘Hold this, will you?’ said the old woman, standing up. ‘Over your thumbs, young man. It won't take a moment for me to wind a fresh ball. I was hoping someone would drop by.’

She held out a skein of wool.

The robber took it uncertainly, aware of the grins on the faces of his men. But he opened his arms with what he hoped was a suitably evil little-does-she-suspect look on his face.

‘That's right,’ said the old woman, standing back. She kicked him viciously in the groin in an incredibly efficient if unladylike way, reached down as he toppled, caught up the cauldron, flung it accurately at the face of the first henchman, and picked up her knitting before he fell.

The two surviving robbers hadn't had time to move, but then one unfroze and leapt for the sword. He staggered back under its weight, but the blade was long and reassuring.

‘Aha!’ he said, and grunted as he raised the sword. ‘How the hell did you carry this, old woman?’

‘It's not my sword,’ she said. ‘It belonged to the man over there.’

The man risked a look sideways. A pair of feet in armoured sandals were just visible behind a rock. They were very big feet.