Robert Asprin - Tales From The Vulgar Unicorn

The bright flowers danced gaily in the breeze as Zalbar finished his lunch. Razkuli was not guarding his back today: that individual was back at the barracks enjoying a much earned rest after their night's labours. Though he shared his friend's fatigue, Zalbar indulged himself with this last pleasure before retiring.

'You sent for me. Hell Hound?'

Zalbar didn't need to turn his head to identify his visitor. He had been watching him from the corner of his eyes throughout his dusty approach.

'Sit down, Jubal,' he instructed. 'I thought you'd like to hear about my investigations.'

'It's about time,' the slaver grumbled, sinking to the ground. 'It's been a week - I was starting to doubt the seriousness of your pledge. Now, tell me why you couldn't find the killer.'

The Hell Hound ignored the sneer in Jubal's voice. 'Tempus is the killer, just as you said,' he answered casually.

'You've confirmed it? When is he being brought to trial?'

Before Zalbar could answer a terrible scream broke the calm afternoon. The Hell Hound remained unmoved, but Jubal spun towards the sound. 'What was that?' he demanded.

'That,' Zalbar explained, 'is the noise a man makes when Kurd goes looking for knowledge.'

'But I thought ... I swear to you, this is not my doing!'

'Don't worry about it, Jubal.' The Hell Hound smiled and waited for the slaver to sit down again. 'You were asking about Tempus's trial?'

'That's right,' the black man agreed, though visibly shaken.

'He'll never come to trial.'

'Because of thatT Jubal pointed to the house. 'I can stop...'

'Will you be quiet and listen! The court will never see Tempus because the prince protects him. That's why I hadn't investigated him before your complaint!'

'Royal protection!' The slaver spat. 'So he's free to hunt my people still.'

'Not exactly.' Zalbar indulged in an extravagant yawn.

'But you said...'

'I said I'd deal with him, and in your words "it's done". Tempus won't be reporting for duty today ... or ever.'

Jubal started to ask something, but another scream drowned out his words. Surging to his feet he glared at Kurd's house. 'I'm going to find out where that slave came from, and when I do...'

'It came from me, and if you value your people you won't insist on his release.'

TheslaverturnedtogapeattheseatedHellHound.'Youmean...'

'Tempus,' Zalbar nodded. 'Kurd told me of a drug he used to subdue his slaves, so I got some from Stulwig and put it in my comrade's krrf. He almost woke up when we branded him ... but Kurd was willing to accept my little peace offering with no questions asked. We even cut out his tongue as an extra measure of friendship.'

Another scream came - a low animal moan which lingered in the air as the two men listened.

'I couldn't ask for a more fitting revenge,' Jubal said at last, extending his hand. 'He'll be a long time dying.'

'If he dies at all,' Zalbar commented, accepting the handshake. 'He heals very fast, you know.'

With that the two men parted company, mindless of the shrieks that followed them.

The reader response to the first volume of Thieves' World has been overwhelming and heartwarming. (For those of you who were not aware of it: you can write to me or any other author in care of their publisher.) The volume of correspondence helped to sell volumes two and three and prompted a Thieves' World wargame soon to be released from the Chaosium. It seems that none of our Thieves' World readers realize that anthologies in general don't sell and that fantasy anthologies specifically are sudden death.

While the letters received have been brimming with enthusiasm and praise, there has been one comment/criticism which has recurred in much of the correspondence. Specifically, people have noted that Sanctuary is incredibly grim. It seems that the citizens of the town never laugh, or when they do it is forcefully stifled ... like the time Kitty-Cat spilled wine down the front of his tunic while trying to toast the health of his brother, the emperor.

This is a valid gripe. First of all because no town is totally dismal. Second, because those readers familiar with my other works are accustomed to finding some humour buried in the pages - even in a genocidal war between lizards and bugs. What's worse, in reviewing the stories in this second volume, I am painfully aware that the downward spiral of Sanctuary has continued rather than reversing itself.

As such I have taken it upon myself as editor to provide the reader with a brief glimpse of the bright side of the town - the benefits and advantages of living in the worst hellhole in the Empire.

To this end let us turn to a seldom seen, never quoted document issued by the Sanctuary Chamber of Commerce shortly before it went out of business. The.fact that Kitty-Cat insisted the brochure contain some modicum of truth doubtless contributed to the document's lack of success. Nonetheless, for your enjoyment and edification, here are selected excerpts from

SANCTUARY VACATION CAPITAL OF THE RANKAN EMPIRE

Every year tourists flock to Sanctuary by the tens, drawn by the rumours of adventure and excitement which flourish in every dark corner of the Empire. They are never disappointed that they chose Sanctuary. Our city iseverything it is rumoured to be - and more! Many visitors never leave and those that do can testily that the lives to which they return seem dull in comparison with the heartstopping action they found in this personable town.

If you, as a merchant, are looking to expand or relocate your business consider scenic Sanctuary. Where else can you find all these features in one locale?

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES

Property - Land in Sanctuary is cheap! Whether you want to build in the swamplands to the east of town, or west in the desert fringes, you'll , find large parcels of land available at temptingly low prices. If you seek a more central location for your business, just ask. Most shop owners in Sanctuary are willing to surrender their building, stock and staff for the price of a one-way passage out of town.

Labour - There is no shortage of willing workers in Sanctuary. You'll find most citizens are for hire and will do anything for a price. Moreover, the array of talents and skills available in our city is nothing short of startling. Abilities you never thought were marketable are bought and sold freely in Sanctuary - and the price is always right!

For those who prefer slave labour, the selection available in Sanctuary is diverse and plentiful. You'll be as surprised as the slaves themselves are by who shows up on the auction block. There, as everywhere in Sanctuary, bargains abound for one with a sharp eye ... or sword.

Materials-l{ the remoteness of the town's location makes you hesitate - never fear. Anything of value in the Empire is sold in Sanctuary. In fact, commodities you may have been told were not for sale often appear in the stalls and shops of this amazing town. Don't bother asking the seller how he got his stock. Just rest assured that in Sanctuary no one will ask how you came by yours, either.

LIFESTYLES

Social Life - As the ancients say, one does not live by bread alone.

Similarly, a citizen of the Rankan Empire requires an active social life to balance his business activity. Here is where Sanctuary truly excels. It has often been said that day to day life in Sanctuary is an adventure without parallel.

Religions - For those with an eye for the after-life, the religious offerings in a given area must withstand close scrutiny. Well, our town welcomes such scrutinizers with open arms. Every Rankan deity and cult is represented in Sanctuary, as well many not in open evidence elsewhere in the Empire. Old gods and forgotten rites exist and flourish alongside the more accepted traditions, adding to the town's quaint charm. Nor are our temples reserved for devout true -believers only. Most shrines welcome visitors of other beliefs and many allow - nay, require - audience participation in their curious native rituals.