Terry Pratchett - The Fifth Elephant

Vimes, whose knowledge of geography was microscopically detailed within five miles of Ankh-Morpork and merely microscopic beyond that, nodded uncertainly.

'Only that it's not really a country,' said Vetinari. 'It's—'

'It's rather more what you get before you get countries,' said Carrot. 'It's mainly fortified towns and fiefdoms with no real boundaries and lots of forest in between. There's always some sort of feud going on. There's no law apart from whatever the local lords enforce, and banditry of all kinds is rife.'

'So unlike the home life of our own dear city,' said Vimes, not quite under his breath. The Patrician gave him an impassive glance.

'In Uberwald the dwarfs and trolls haven't settled their old grievances,' Carrot continued, 'there are large areas controlled by feudal vampire or werewolf clans, and there are also tracts with much higher than normal background magic. It is a chaotic place, indeed, and you'd hardly think you were in the Century of the Fruitbat. It is to be hoped that things will improve, however, and Uberwald will, happily, be joining the community of nations.'

Vimes and Vetinari exchanged looks. Sometimes Carrot sounded like a civics essay written by a stunned choirboy.

'Well put,' said the Patrician at last. 'But until that joysome day Uberwald remains a mystery inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma.'

'Let me see if I've got this right,' said Vimes. 'Uberwald is like this big suet pudding that everyone's suddenly noticed, and now with this coronation as an excuse we've all got to rush there with knife, fork and spoon to shovel as much on our plates as possible?'

'Your grasp of political reality is masterly, Vimes. You lack only the appropriate vocabulary. Ankh-Morpork must send a representative, obviously. An ambassador, as it were.'

'You're not suggesting I should go to this affair, are you?' said Vimes.

'Oh, I couldn't send the Commander of the City Watch,' said Lord Vetinari. 'Most of the Uberwald countries have no concept of a modern civil peacekeeping authority.'

Vimes relaxed.

'I'm sending the Duke of Ankh instead.'

Vimes sat bolt upright.

'They are mostly feudal systems,' Vetinari went on. 'They set great store by rank—'

'I'm not being ordered to go to Uberwald!'

'Ordered, your grace?' Vetinari looked shocked and concerned. 'Good heavens, I must have misunderstood Lady Sybil... She told me yesterday that a holiday a long way from Ankh-Morpork would do you the world of good...'

'You spoke to Sybil?'

'At the reception for the new President of the Tailors' Guild, yes. I believe you left early. You were called away. Some emergency, I understand. Lady Sybil happened to mention how you seemed to be, as she put it, constantly on the job, and one thing led to another. Oh dear, I do hope I haven't caused some marital misunderstanding...'

'I can't leave the city now of all times!' said Vimes desperately. 'There's so much to do!'

'That is exactly why Sybil says you ought to leave the city,' said Vetinari.

'But there's the new training school—'

'Ticking over nicely now, sir,' said Carrot.

'The whole carrier-pigeon network is a complete mess—'

'More or less sorted out, sir, now we've changed their feed. Besides, the clacks seems to be functioning very well.'

'We've got to get the River Watch set up—'

'Can't do much for a week or two, sir, until we've dredged up the boat.'

'The drains at the Chitterling Street station are—'

'I've got the plumbers working on it, sir.'

Vimes knew that he had lost. He had lost as soon as Sybil was involved, because she was always a reliable siege engine against the walls of his defences. But there was such a thing as going down fighting.

'You know I'm no good at diplomatic talk,' he said.

'On the contrary, Vimes, you appear to have amazed the diplomatic corps here in Ankh-Morpork,' said Lord Vetinari. 'They're not used to plain speech. It confuses them. What was it you said to the Istanzian ambassador last month?' He riffled through the papers on his desk. 'Let me see, the complaint is here somewhere... Oh, yes, on the matter of military incursions across the Slipnir river, you indicated that further transgressions would involve him, personally, that is to say the ambassador, and I quote "going home in an ambulance".'

'I'm sorry about that, sir, but it had been a long day and he was really getting on my—'

'Since when their armed forces have pulled back so far that they are nearly in the next country,' said Lord Vetinari, moving the paper aside. 'I have to say that your observation complied only with the general thrust of my view in this matter but was, at least, succinct. Apparently you also looked at the ambassador in a very threatening way.'

'It was only the way I usually look.'

'To be sure. Happily, in Uberwald you will only need to look friendly.'

'Ah, but you don't want me saying things like "How about selling us all your fat really cheap?" do you?' said Vimes desperately.

'You will not be required to do any negotiating, Vimes. That will be dealt with by one of my clerks, who will set up the temporary embassy and discuss such matters with his opposite numbers among the courts of Uberwald. All clerks speak the same language. You will simply be as ducal as you can. And, of course, you will take a retinue. A staff,' Vetinari added, seeing Vimes's blank look. He sighed. 'People to go with you. I suggest Sergeant Angua, Sergeant Detritus, and Corporal Littlebottom.'

'Ah,' said Carrot, nodding encouragingly.

'Sorry?' said Vimes. 'I think there must have been a whole piece of conversation just then that I must have missed.'

'A werewolf, a troll and a dwarf,' said Carrot. 'Ethnic minorities, sir.'

'... but in Uberwald they are ethnic majorities ,' said Lord Vetinari. 'All three officers come from there originally, I believe. Their presence will speak volumes.'

'So far it hasn't sent me a postcard,' said Vimes. 'I'd rather take—'

'Sir, it will show people in Uberwald that Ankh-Morpork is a multicultural society, you see?' said Carrot.

'Oh, I see. "People like us". People you can do business with,' said Vimes glumly.

'Sometimes,' Vetinari said testily, 'it really does seem to me that the culture of cynicism in the Watch is... is...'

'Insufficient?' said Vimes. There was silence.

'All right,' he sighed, 'I'd better go off and polish the knobs on my coronet, hadn't I...?'

'The ducal coronet, if I remember my heraldry, does not have knobs on. It is decidedly... spiky,' said the Patrician, pushing across the desk a small pile of papers topped by a gold-edged invitation card. 'Good. I will have a... a clacks sent immediately. You will be more fully briefed later. Do give my regards to the Duchess. And now, please do not let me detain you further...'

'He always says that,' muttered Vimes as the two men hurried down the stairs. 'He knows I don't like being married to a duchess.'

'I thought you and Lady Sybil—'

'Oh, being married to Sybil is fine, fine,' said Vimes hurriedly. 'It's just the duchess bit I don't like. Where is everyone tonight?'

'Corporal Littlebottom's on pigeon duty, Detritus is on night patrol with Swires, and Angua's on special duty in the Shades, sir. You remember? With Nobby?'

'Oh gods, yes. Well, when they come in tomorrow you'd better get them to report to me. Incidentally, get that bloody wig off Nobby and hide it, will you?' Vimes leafed through the paperwork. 'I've never heard of the Low King of the dwarfs. I thought that "king" in dwarfish just meant a sort of senior engineer.'

'Ah, well, the Low King is rather special,' said Carrot.

'Why?'

'Well, it all starts with the Scone of Stone, sir.'