Piers Anthony - Pornucopia

Tantamount blinked prettily and looked at Prior. "Suddenly I know all about the Spire," she said. "But—"

"That was the first gout, delivered as I said straight into your seat of learning. There is more." Prior lifted her off the dribbling member and guided her head down to his crotch.

"Prior, I don't generally make love orally—" she began.

But as her mouth opened to speak the words of protest, the tip of his still-wonderfully-solid projection moved in. "This isn't love—it's education," he explained. His hand pressed on the back of her head, forcing it down.

She stiffened as her delicate lips touched the ribbed surface—then sighed around it and took in more. There was something so angelically compelling about that contact....

"This is what you have always desired," he repeated firmly.

"Yes!" she exclaimed with her mouth full, and caressed the noxious horn lovingly with her tongue. "This is divine. It—it tastes of cherry!"

"All I want," Prior said, "is 3.97. Isn't this a fair exchange?" She wanted to say YES YES YES, but her rational mind fought down the penis-sponsored urge. "But—" she started.

Then the second gout arrived, and she was far too busy swallowing information to talk for a while.

THE FIVE GUARDS WERE GOLEMS, CREATED EXPRESSLY FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ENDOWED WITH FANATIC LOYALTY TO THEIR MISSION. THUS THEY WERE "EXPRESSLY ENDOWED GOLEMS" KNOWN IN THE TRADE AS EEG'S. THE CODE NAME FOR THEIR UNIT WAS "CHERRY TREE," AND THEY ASSUMED THE ASPECT OF COMMENSURATE APPURTENANCES. THEY HELD ME IN LIMBO AND DEFENDED MY EXILE FROM ALL INTRUSIONS. PARAGRAPH. (I CAN'T PARAGRAPH IT MYSELF, FOR IT WOULDN'T BE GOUT-SHAPED.) BUT THE EEGS WERE ESSENTIALLY SEXUAL CREATURES AND MY EXILE WAS THEIRS TOO. THEY LONGED FOR THE OLD-FASHIONED INFERNAL ORGIES OR AT LEAST SOME TOKEN SIN. THREE MALES AND TWO FEMALES—AND WHEN THERE WERE TOO FEW INTRUDERS FOR THEM TO PRACTICE THEIR TALENTS ON, THEY HAD TO INDULGE EACH OTHER. EVERY CENTURY OR SO ONE OF THE FEMALES WOULD CONCEIVE. BUT THE ISSUE, BEING CONTRARY TO THE WORD OF THE ELDEST GOD OF THE GALAXY (NOW ELDEST GOD OF THE UNIVERSE THE GALAXY HAD BECOME, EXALTED BE HIS INACCURATE ACRONYM!), HAD TO BE CONCEALED. THE OFFSPRING COULD NOT BE KILLED, FOR THEY WERE DEMONIC AND IMMORTAL AND NOT SUBJECT TO THE CURSE OF THE CHERRY THAT MADE THEIR ELDERS VULNERABLE TO MORTAL EJACULATE. AND SO THESE NEWFOUND DEMONS WERE CAST INTO THE SHAPES OF LIVING CREATURES AND RENDERED IMMOBILE AND PLACED IN SELECTED PARKS AT THE VARIOUS OUTLETS TO THE PASS (FOR SO EGG'S PRIVATE TRAVEL ROUTE WAS TERMED) WHERE THE NATIVES TOOK THEM TO BE STATUES. ONLY WHILE IN THE ACTUAL ACT OF COPULATION WITH LIVING THINGS COULD THESE OUTCASTS GAIN SOME MEASURE OF THE ANIMATION THEY CRAVED—AND FEW MORTALS CARED TO INDULGE IN COPULATION WITH SUCH STATUES. THE DEMONS THEREFORE BARGAINED FOR SUCH ATTENTIONS BY OFFERING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTION AN OBLIGING MORTAL MIGHT PUT TO THEM. BUT THEY WERE SEVERELY LIMITED IN THE ARTICULATION OF SUCH DISCOURSE. THIS WAS ANOTHER PENALTY FOR BEING THE SPAWN OF ADULTEROUS EEGS. ONLY BY THE INFUSION OF LEGITIMATE PROTOPLASM COULD THEY BE RENDERED FULLY ANIMATE THEMSELVES. I AM THE SPIRE.

The horn withdrew from Tantamount's mouth, and red fluid drooled from between her sparkling white teeth. "Suddenly I know all about certain statues," she said, licking the overflow from her red lips. "Those horrible statues behind my sister's clinic. But—"

"That was the second gout," Prior explained. "There is more." He guided her into a prone position on the couch, and lifted her skirt out of the way so that her full, resilient buttocks showed in all their clean white splendor. He brought a little more of the member into view. It was still as hard as horn, and though narrow at the tip its girth increased toward the base. Its aperture was not a slit but a round hole, surprisingly large for a penis.

"That phallus does not have the most esthetic configuration," she said, glancing over her shoulder at it. "But every time it touches me I palpitate, and when it ejaculates I have visions and I feel so good...."

"This is what you have always desired," he said once more.

"But my life work—"

He positioned himself and hauled up her generous posterior so that her smooth, perfectly molded cleft showed taut. He spread the silky flesh of her labia, nudging in the horn.

"Yes, yes!" she breathed breathlessly.

"Let's do this right," he said as he inched the horn in. "This is the position of the Cow, according to the ancient erotic texts of India. Let's say I'm the bull, and this is the bullhorn. So moo, cow, moo!"

The caress of that horny member unnerved her with its incipient thrills, but she still had female human pride. "Prior, this is ridiculous! Why must you spoil—"

He began to withdraw, and the promise abated.

"Moo! Moo!" she cried, alarmed.

The retreat ceased, but the advance did not resume. "But I'm not sure I want to fuck a cow at the moment. It's too bovine, know what I mean? Let's make it the position of the Dog. How about it? Would you make a good female dog?"

"This is disgusting! Absolutely animalistic! I won't—"

He recommended the strategic withdrawal.

"I'm a bitch! I'm a bitch!" she screamed.

"Funny. You don't sound like a bitch.

"Arf! Wuf! Ho-o-owl!"

She was getting the message.

"But maybe the ass is better," he said thoughtfully. "A nice, braying, donkey-type ass."

She was silent. The horn hesitated inside her, then began to retr—

"I'm a piece of ass!" she cried.

"But I feel more like a wild boar, so—"

"I'm a pig! Oink, oink!"

"Then again, maybe an elephant—"

"Anything you want! Please, Prior—"

"Why," he said curiously, "you sound almost as if you want something...."

"Enter and ejaculate! Don't torture me!"

He cupped one hand behind an ear. "I'm not certain I comprehend the terminology."

"Complete the fornication!"

"Eh?"

"Fuck me! FUCK ME!"

"Oh, all right, if you feel that way." He eased the horn on in to jog the eager cervix. "Here comes the third gout, elephant ass bitch!"

And the third gout came, driving out the remnants of the first gout as new grease from the greasegun drives out old.

AFTER SEVERAL THOUSAND MILLENNIA THE CHERRY TREE EEG DEMONS (SEE GOUT NO. 2 FOR RATIONALE OF NOMENCLATURE) REALIZED THAT I COULD BE EMPLOYED FOR THEIR PURPOSE, FOR I COULD PRODUCE THE MORTAL PROTOPLASM THEY DESIRED AND I HAD NOT ACTUALLY BEEN TURNED OFF. AND SO THEY FORNICATED WITH ME UPON OCCASION—TWO OR THREE TIMES PER CENTURY—AND FROM EACH SUCH UNION A LIVING EEGLET WAS CONCEIVED AND BIRTHED AS AN EGG. THESE EGGS WERE STORED AT THE BORDERS OF LIMBO AND FORGOTTEN. BUT THE STRAIN OF SUCH POTENCY ON THE DEMONIC SYSTEMS WAS SUCH THAT THEIR GENITAL SECRETIONS WERE ADVERSELY AFFECTED. THUS THE CHERRY DEMONS DEVELOPED BUTTERSCOTCH-FLAVORED EJACULATE, MUCH TO THEIR CHAGRIN. PARAGRAPH. EVENTUALLY A CACHE OF THESE EEG EGGS WAS DISCOVERED BY A SPACEFARING MORTAL, WHO ASCERTAINED THEIR SINGULAR NATURE AND WHOLESALED THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET. SOON INFANT EEGS WERE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE, FOR REMOVAL FROM LIMBO AND CONTACT WITH MORTAL FLESH STIMULATED THEIR HATCHING AND GROWTH. NATURALLY THEY PROCEEDED TO WREAK SUCH MISCHIEF AS THEY MIGHT. THIS WAS ENTIRELY AGAINST DEMONIC PRINCIPLE, FOR IT SIGNALED THE END OF THE PROPER SEPARATION OF MAGIC AND SCIENCE. BUT THE SMUGGLING CONTINUED. I AM THE SPIRE.

"And now I know about eeg eggs," Tantamount said. "This is astonishing."

"It's all leading up to the deal we are about to make," Prior said confidently. "I have what you've always wanted."

"Yes," she said, starting to turn over.

"Not so fast, bitch ass!" He caught inside her thigh, squeezing the fine firm flesh between thumb and fingers until she winced. Then he stroked his hand between her lush buttocks, bearing down on her rectum. "Now for this next number—"