Terry Pratchett - The Sea and Little Fishes

“Well, it was the way she said it,” he added, weakly.

“And what kind of way was that?”

“Nicely!”

“Nicely?”

“Smilin’ and everything! I don’t dare drink the stuff now!”

Nanny was mystified.

“Can’t quite see the problem —”

“You tell that to Mr Hopcroft’s dog.” said Poorchick. “Hopcroft daren’t leave the poor thing on account of her! The whole family’s going mad! There’s him shearing, his wife sharpening the scissors, and the two lads out all the time looking for fresh places to dump the hair!”

Patient questioning on Nanny’s part elucidated the role the Haire Re f torer had played in this.

“And he gave it ...?”

“Half the bottle, Mrs Ogg.”

“Even though Esme writes "A right small spoonful once a week" on the label? And even then you need to wear roomy trousers.”

“He said he was so nervous, Mrs Ogg! I mean, what’s she playing at? Our wives are keepin’ the kids indoors. I mean, s’posin’ she smiled at them?”

“Well?”

“She’s a witch!”

“So’m I, an’ I smiles at ’em,” said Nanny Ogg. “They’re always runnin’ after me for sweets.”

“Yes, but ... you’re ... I mean ... she ... I mean ... you don’t ... I mean. Well —”

“And she’s a good woman,” said Nanny. Common sense prompted her to add, “In her own way. I expect there is water down in the hollow, and Poorchick’s cow’ll give good milk and if Hopcroft won’t read the labels on bottles then he deserves a head you can see your face in, and if you think Esme Weatherwax’d curse kids you’ve got the sense of a earthworm. She’d cuss ’em, yes, all day long. But not curse ’em. She don’t aim that low.”

“Yes, yes,” Poorchick almost moaned, “but it don’t feel right, that’s what we’re saying. Her going round being nice , a man don’t know if he’s got a leg to stand on.”

“Or hop on,” said Hampicker darkly.

“All right, all right, I’ll see about it,” said Nanny.

“People shouldn’t go around not doin’ what you expect,” said Poorchick weakly. “It gets people on edge.”

“And we’ll keep an eye on your sti —” Hampicker said, and then staggered backwards grasping his stomach and wheezing.

“Don’t mind him, it’s the stress,” said Poorchick, rubbing his elbow. “Been picking herbs, Mrs Ogg?”

“That’s right,” said Nanny, hurrying away across the leaves.

“So shall I put the fire out for you, then?” Poorchick shouted.

Granny was sitting outside her house when Nanny Ogg hurried up the path. She was sorting through a sack of old clothes. Elderly garments were scattered around her.

And she was humming. Nanny Ogg started to worry. The Granny Weatherwax she knew didn’t approve of music.

And she smiled when she saw Nanny, or at least the corners of her mouth turned up. That was really worrying. Granny normally only smiled if something bad was happening to someone deserving.

“Why, Gytha, how nice to see you!”

“You all right, Esme?”

“Never felt better, dear.” The humming continued.

“Er ... sorting out rags, are you? said Nanny. “Going to make that quilt?”

It was one of Granny Weatherwax’s firm beliefs that one day she’d make a patchwork quilt. However, it is a task that requires patience, and hence in fifteen years she’d got as far as three patches. But she collected old clothes anyway. A lot of witches did. It was a witch thing. Old clothes had personality, like old houses. When it came to clothes with a bit of wear left in them, a witch had no pride at all.

“It’s in here somewhere ...” Granny mumbled. “Aha, here we are ...”

She flourished a garment. It was basically pink.

“Knew it was here,” she went on. “Hardly worn, either. And about my size, too.”

“You’re going to wear it?” said Nanny.

Granny’s piercing blue cut-you-off-at-the-knees gaze was turned upon her. Nanny would have been relieved at a reply like “No, I’m going to eat it, you daft old fool”. Instead her friend relaxed and said, a little concerned:

“You don’t think it’d suit me?”

There was lace around the collar. Nanny swallowed.

“You usually wear black. Well, a bit more than usually. More like always.”

“And a very sad sight I look too,” said Granny robustly. “It’s about time I brightened myself up a bit, don’t you think?”

“And it’s so very ... pink.”

Granny put it aside and to Nanny’s horror took her by the hand and said earnestly, “And, you know, I reckon I’ve been far too dog-in-the-manger about this Trials business, Gytha —”

“Bitch-in-the-manger,” said Nanny Ogg, absent-mindedly.

For a moment Granny’s eyes became two sapphires again.

“What?”

“Er ... you’d be a bitch-in-the-manger,” Nanny mumbled. “Not a dog.”

“Ah? Oh, yes. Thank you for pointing that out. Well, I thought, it is time I stepped back a bit, and went along and cheered on the younger folks. I mean, I have to say, I ... really haven’t been very nice to people, have I ...”

“Er ...”

“I’ve tried being nice,” Granny went on. “It didn’t turn out like I expected, I’m sorry to say.”

“You’ve never been really ... good at nice,” said Nanny. Granny smiled. Hard though she stared, Nanny was unable to spot anything other than earnest concern.

“Perhaps I’ll get better with practice,” she said.

She patted Nanny’s hand. And Nanny stared at her hand as though something horrible had happened to it.

“It’s just that everyone’s more used to you being ... firm,” she said.

“I thought I might make some jam and cakes for the produce stall,” said Granny.

“Oh ... good.”

“Are there any sick people want visitin’?”

Nanny stared at the trees. It was getting worse and worse. She rummaged in her memory for anyone in the locality sick enough to warrant a ministering visit but still well enough to survive the shock of a ministering visit by Granny Weatherwax.

When it came to practical psychology and the more robust type of folk physiotherapy Granny was without equal; in fact, she could even do the latter at a distance, for many a pain-racked soul had left their beds and walked, nay, run at the news that she was coming.

“Everyone’s pretty well at the moment,” said Nanny diplomatically.

“Any old folk want cheerin’ up?”

It was taken for granted by both women that old people did not include them. A witch aged ninety-seven would not have included herself. Old people happened to other people.

“All fairly cheerful right now,” said Nanny.

“Maybe I could tell stories to the kiddies?”

Nanny nodded. Granny had done that once before, when the mood had briefly taken her. It had worked pretty well, as far as the children were concerned. They’d listened with open-mouthed attention and apparent enjoyment to a traditional old folk legend. The problem had come when they’d gone home afterwards and asked the meaning of words like “disembowelled”.

“I could sit in a rocking chair while tell ’em,” Granny added. “That’s how it’s done, I recall. And I could make them some of my special treacle-toffee apples. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Nanny nodded again, in a sort of horrified reverie. She realized that only she stood in the way of a wholesale rampage of niceness.

“Toffee,” she said. “Would that be the sort you did that shatters like glass, or that sort where our boy Pewsey had to have his mouth levered open with a spoon?”

“I reckon I know what I did wrong last time.”