James Galloway - The Tower of Sorcery

"You gave him no choice, Jesmind," Dolanna interrupted, climbing out of bed. "He was desperately afraid that he was going to accidentally hurt you with his Sorcery. Did he tell you what happened before he left Aldreth, before he met you?" Jesmind shook her head. "His sister, who is also tremendously gifted and is only thirteen years old, had an accident. She would have killed me with her Sorcery, had I not been ready for just such an accident. The accident has left a very deep impression in Tarrin's mind. I think it is why he is having so much trouble using his power. He is so frightened of hurting someone with his power that he is afraid to touch it. When you flatly refused to bring him here, he decided to leave. Not because of you, but to protect you from his power."

"He never told me that," Jesmind said in quiet reflection.

"Tarrin's heart is deep. He would go to great lengths to bring comfort to total strangers. To hurt people is totally against his nature."

"Yes, that's the problem," she grunted. "That's the other thing I came to talk to you about."

"What?"

"You have to get him out of here," she said. "This place is killing him bit by bit. The Tarrin I see now isn't the same cub that walked through those gates. He's turning hard, and if something isn't done, he'll become feral. He's already half feral now. It won't take much to make him feral permanently."

"Feral?"

"It's a term we use," she replied. "To us, it means savage, or vicious. More than a few of us are like that. We may be intelligent, but we're still part animal. If you beat an animal long enough, it turns mean, and it will never trust anyone again. That can happen to us too. If he's put through too much in this pit, he'll never trust another soul when he finally walks out those gates. He'll be feral. He'll only trust those people that he trusted before he turned feral, and when they're gone, that's it. He'll run into the forest, and noboby will ever see him again."

"I cannot take him from the Tower, Jesmind," she said in a troubled voice.

"No, but you can take the Tower out of him ," she replied. "You have to make sure that he spends time with the Selani and the little mouse. He trusts them. But it can't be just walks in the garden. It has to be quality time with nobody watching or eavesdropping, where he can express himself to them. If he keeps himself bottled up all the time, all his fears and suspicions are going to grow in him like a cancer. You also have to make sure that he stays in constant contact with people that he loves. Bring his parents here at least every other day. He has to have alot of positive human contact to counteract the suspicion that's starting to fester in him. And for the gods' sake, make them stop making him feel like a prisoner!" she snapped. "You better tell the Keeper and those others to just back off. They're killing him with attention."

"I did not realize that his position was so tenuous," Dolanna said in surprise. "He does not seem-"

"He's a damn good actor, Dolanna," Jesmind said grimly. "I can see it all over him. The simple fact that he flinches when people touch him is all the indication I need. He's keeping up faces because he knows that something's going on, and he doesn't want to tip his hand that he knows. And that's just adding to his trouble."

Dolanna pulled on her robe and tied it about her slim waist. "I will do what I can, Jesmind, but I can offer no guarantees. I am not in a position of authority here."

"No, but you're the only Sorcerer that Tarrin explicitely trusts," she replied. "That gives you a lot of say in his well being. If you tell them that what they're doing is killing him, they'll have to listen. Because none of the others can get close enough to him to find out for themselves."

"True," she agreed. "I will do what I can for him. I can make no guarantees, but I will try."

"You'd better," she said, closing her fist. "If he goes feral on me, I'm going to come back here and take his pain out of a few backsides. Tarrin's not vengeful. I am. Make sure the Keeper knows that her own skin hangs on how well they treat my cub."

"I am sure that she will swoon over hearing such news," Dolanna said dryly.

"She can swoon all she wants," Jesmind snorted. "I have to go. I have to penetrate the Ward before too many people are around to notice it. Just do what you can for him, Sorceress. Keep my cub sane."

"I will try," she replied gravely.

With a simple nod, Jesmind turned and left the woman standing by her bed.

It wasn't much, but it was all that she had. All that Tarrin had.

It surprised him.

Tarrin sat in the garden, watching the sun come up, unsure of what he was feeling, and what it meant.

Jesmind was a woman that never ceased to confuse him to no end. The emotional whirlwind she had always been able to create in him had only intensified with her leaving, leaving him unsure of what he felt for her. The bizarre mixture of hatred, anger, and trust and even desire he felt for his enigmatic bond-mother had been scrambled like an egg with her gone, and there was an emptiness inside him that he didn't expect every time that he thought about her.

What concerned him was how serious she seemed to be not only about him, but about his mental condition. He felt rather in control of himself, but Jesmind's concern about him made him second-guess his own confidence. He felt more than in control, since his time in cat form had ended, he'd existed in a very content peaceful state with his cat half. He'd had very little problem at all, because he understood his animal instincts much better. Now he wondered if he was in control as much as he thought. He did have to admit that her closeness had made him feel more secure, even when he wanted to tear out her throat. That was a primitive instinctual reacion and he knew it, but he was powerless to overcome it. With her gone, he felt much more vulnerable, and it was a feeling that he didn't like. Not one bit. One thing he had learned about himself was that any time he felt uncertain or uncomfortable, it fomented discord between his rational mind and his instincts. In order to maintain his balance, he was going to have to be very careful and try to remain calm and in control. Even if he wasn't in control, it was important for him to feel like he had control of his life, and that was why he had dropped a note off at Keritanima's door before coming outside. The sooner he started regaining control of his life, the better it would be for him.

One could only think for so long about things that couldn't be answered, and Tarrin was never one to dwell on negatives. He had to look forward, to the future, and come to terms with it. But one thing was for certain. With the way he felt now, he didn't want to live in the stress of the Tower's shadow for any longer than absolutely necessary. They had brought him to Suld, and at first he had been happy to come. But the reality of what was going on around him had jaded his initial optomism. He didn't like not knowing what they wanted from him, and the fact that they wouldn't come out and tell him made him feel that it wasn't something that he'd like doing very much. Tarrin's initial impression of the Keeper had been dislike. It had degenerated into distrust when she put the collar on him, and now it was bordering on rebellion because he knew that something was going on. No, not bordering. It was rebellion. Tarrin wanted no part of what the Tower was planning for him. He was brought to the Tower to learn, and from the beginning he was told that continuing to study Sorcery would be his own decision. That after he learned the basics and was no threat to the world, he was free to go. But they weren't going to let him do that, and that made him feel trapped. Tarrin didn't respond well to that feeling.