Roger Taylor - Caddoran

He stopped and brought up his hands to cup his face tightly. They were shaking again. For a moment it seemed that he was going to slip into the fearful despair he had shown before. He looked at Endryk. ‘I’m not sure whether I’m frightened of this because I don’t understand what I felt, or because I do.’

‘You felt what you felt, Thyrn,’ Endryk replied. ‘Whatever it was, it’s not here now, and there’s no danger around this fire.’

‘I’m not too sure about that,’ Thyrn said softly, looking up at the enclosing mountains, hidden by the night and the glow of the fire. As he continued he seemed to be forcing his words out. ‘Vashnar I recognized.’

‘Recognized? You saw him?’ Hyrald exclaimed.

Thyrn frowned and waved the interruption aside. ‘I sensed him. Alone, defensive, hesitant. But though he was the brightest thing there… the centre, the source, of what was happening, there was something else there as well. Something drawn there by him or perhaps by me – I couldn’t tell.’ Suddenly his bared teeth were shining in the firelight and sweat was glistening on his forehead. ‘But it was awful – an abomination. All those visions I had – burning buildings, fleeing people, fighting and bloodshed – they came from deep within Vashnar, but they were nothing compared to this.’ With his foot he nudged a smouldering twig by the fire. ‘Less than this is to one of the big Solstice bonfires – far less. It felt like something that had come from, I don’t know – a different world almost. A different time… a time older than myths and legends, or beyond them.’ He shuddered. ‘Such black consuming hatred. Such lust for destruction and…’ He thought for a moment. ‘For power.’

His eyes widened as he spoke, reflecting the camp fire so that they seemed to be ablaze with the inner vision of what he had seen. He looked at Endryk again. ‘And I understood it. It was human – a person.’ He hesitated. ‘Or perhaps many people – I can’t tell now. It was like many people become one.’ He nodded to himself, unhappy, but satisfied with this conclusion. ‘But I felt the lure of it, like when we brought down that deer. But not so that we could eat – just the killing, the pain, the blood – for its own sake – and revelling in it, wild, completely without restraint.’ He grimaced. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’

‘Not here you’re not,’ Endryk said, stepping quickly across the fire and dragging him to his feet before the others could move. A few paces into the darkness, Thyrn bent forward and retched. He did not vomit however, and once the spasm had passed, Endryk returned him gently to his place. Adren had used the interval to fetch him a cup of water which he drank noisily.

‘I’m sorry about that,’ he said. ‘It’s just… I feel so ashamed, to take pleasure in such things.’ He shuddered again.

Endryk laid a hand on his shoulder, his expression pained. ‘But you don’t, do you? Not really. Even the idea just made you sick.’

‘But I did. I felt it. It’s inside me.’

‘It’s inside all of us, Thyrn. All you felt was what you can do… what your body is capable of. What we’re all capable of when need arises.’ He turned Thyrn around and looked at him intently. ‘But always there’s a choice. Nothing compels you. And there are times, which I hope you’ll never come to, when those feelings you describe – horrific though they are – give you that final choice; do you wish to live, or do you wish to die? Don’t confuse the ability to do something with your moral worth.’ He reached down and picked up a branch from the fire. The end was burning vigorously. ‘Fire can keep us warm and comfortable, cook our food, dry our sodden clothing.’ He pushed it back into the fire. ‘And it can burn down houses, fields of precious crops, destroy animals – people.

‘It’s not the same.’

‘It’s exactly the same. It just feels different, that’s all. Just because you’ve learned to make a fire doesn’t mean you’re going to become a fire-raiser, does it? And just because you’ve discovered a dark ability in yourself doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to run amok slaughtering people for no reason. But maybe…’ He leaned closer to Thyrn. ‘Maybe because you’ve seen this, you might one day be able to kill someone to save your own life.’

Thyrn stared at him, his face riven with doubt and pain.

‘Or someone else’s,’ Endryk concluded significantly. He released Thyrn and sat back. ‘Finish your tale. Can you describe this presence that you felt?’

‘No more than I already have,’ Thyrn replied, his voice unsteady. ‘There were images – sensations – that I’ve no words for. It was terrifying, and it was vast.’ A memory returned to him. ‘Like those birds we saw when we were riding along the shore. Individual birds, but so many they were like smoke in the distance. This was the same, but much bigger – as though birds were filling the entire sky, shrieking and screaming. I sensed a malevolent power trying to unleash itself, to wreak destruction on everything. But something was restraining it. Something about Vashnar.’ He snapped his fingers. ‘It needs him. He’s… a key. Something that will release them.’

‘Them?’

‘Them, him, it – all these things. That’s not important; it’s the extent of it all I can’t convey to you.’ He looked out beyond the fire. ‘I was dwarfed by it far more than I am by these mountains.’ He took several long breaths to calm himself.

‘Are you sure this wasn’t all just a dream?’ Adren asked tentatively. ‘You had a very peculiar experience yesterday.’

‘It was no dream,’ Thyrn said categorically and without any resentment at the question. ‘It was real, and it was part of everything that’s been happening. And it’s only by clinging to you here, for support, that I can keep the real horror of it all at bay.’ He clenched his hands together painfully. ‘It knew I was there,’ he said, his voice cracking. His eyes widened in fear again. ‘It’s me who’s in their way. They’ll have to destroy me to take Vashnar.’ In a desperate flurry, he made to stand up but both Endryk and Nordath restrained him.

‘You’re safe here,’ Endryk said but he had to keep repeating it and he was almost shouting before Thyrn seemed to hear him and became a little calmer. ‘Whatever it was you experienced, it has no power out here.’

Adren, who had been watching Thyrn intently, leaned across to him and echoed Endryk’s words. ‘Whatever it was you experienced, it had no power over you in there, did it?’ she said, emphasizing the last two words with a jabbing finger. ‘It might have frightened you half to death, but if it knew you were there, and you were in its way, why didn’t it do anything?’

Gradually Thyrn’s panic began to slip away and a realization dawned.

‘You’re right,’ he said, half to himself, his eyes becoming shrewd and angry. Endryk and Nordath cautiously released him. Endryk shot Adren a grateful look.

No one spoke for a while, then Thyrn said, ‘I need to think about this again, quietly. Get it clearer in my mind. I’m sorry I disturbed you all.’

‘You’ve nothing to apologize for,’ Endryk said, patting him on the shoulder. ‘Go back to bed. It’s some time to dawn yet. We can talk again in the morning. Things usually seem less intimidating in the daylight.’

‘Don’t say a word,’ Adren said to Rhavvan when Thyrn had returned to his tent.

‘All right, all right, I know,’ Rhavvan blustered. ‘I like the lad as much as you do – he’s grown on me, especially these past few days. But it’s difficult, this Joining business. It makes no sense. It was bad enough accepting the idea that he and Vashnar were somehow in contact in his head, but now we’ve got monsters out of who knows where coming to haunt us.’ He waved his hands helplessly. ‘How can we be sure he’s not just going quietly mad after all?’