Hugh Cook - The Worshippers and the Way

"All hail!" shouted an usher. "All hail the Silver Emperor!

All hail! All hail the great and mighty – "

Here the usher slowed, for it was death to mispronounce the emperor's name, but the contortions of that name might have been maliciously designed for the very purpose of tripping tongues. But the usher got it out without mutilating it.

" – the great and mighty Plandruk Qinplaqus!"

The Silver Emperor had other names, at least five of which were known to Hatch. There were said to also be others by which his slavegirls were entitled to address him, and he might have yet more names as yet unknown, but it was as Plandruk Qinplaqus that he currently chose to be announced in public in his own palace.

Hard on the heels of his name, the Silver Emperor entered the Hall, escorted by four slave girls. These were young women chosen for their high-breasted beauty. All were nubile and graceful, fair of face and seductive of gesture. Presumably the Silver Emperor took them in fantasy, for to Hatch's knowledge (and Hatch followed the palace gossip with a modicum of diligence) the emperor certainly never took them in the fact of the flesh.

The Silver Emperor looked indeed so old and frail that it was easy to imagine that a single incautious act of lust might bring his life story to an abrupt conclusion. Plandruk Qinplaqus was an ancient Ashdan so shriveled and withered that he looked as if he might blow away on the wind. Looks were not deceptive, for Plandruk Qinplaqus had once nearly met with an untimely death when the Hot Mouth had sucked him off his feet.

On that notable occasion – no account of which was to be found in the official annals of Dalar ken Halvar, for the scribes who maintained the annals were a cautious breed – the Hot Mouth had in-breathed of a sudden. The emperor had been snatched away by the wind thus generated. Fortunately, Hatch had pounced on the emperor. The muscle-pumped Asodo Hatch had caught the fast-flying Silver Emperor, had thrown him to the ground, and then – Few people cared to remember what had happened next, but the uncomfortable truth was that Asodo Hatch had sat on top of the Silver Emperor until the in-breathing winds of the Hot Mouth had died away to nothing. Hatch had never been thanked for doing his overlord this favor, for Plandruk Qinplaqus was a wizard, and wizards are mighty in their dignity, and are slow to give thanks to those who compromise that dignity, regardless of the excuse.

However, the emperor had ever afterwards made sure that Hatch was in his entourage whenever he went near the Hot Mouth, which he did once a year in the course of his annual tour of inspection of Dalar ken Halvar.

Now the Silver Emperor stalked toward his chair of state.

"Off!" said the Silver Emperor, on discovering the Princess Nuboltipon ensconced in his throne.

So saying, the emperor slapped the armrest of the throne with a copy of the Imperial Census.

The armrest shattered, disintegrating in a cloud of woodworm dust. Bits of mother-of-pearl fell to the white marble of the imperial plinth. The Princess Nuboltipon fled, nimbling over the stones of the Hall till she was well out of reach of the destructive might of the Imperial Census. At which point she slowed, then cast a disdainful look over her shoulder. Then, with her tail high and undaunted, she made her way toward the exit at a pace more consonant with her dignity.

The Silver Emperor struck his throne's surviving armrest with his walking stick, which was old and crooked yet was possessed of the strength of iron. That armrest also disintegrated.

"A cheap and shoddy piece of rubbish," said the Silver Emperor.

As this he said, the Princess Nuboltipon disappeared out of the door through which Hatch had entered. The soldiers there on guard, who had less regard for her than did Asodo Hatch, did not bother to salute her departure.

"Hatch," said the Silver Emperor, tapping the Frangoni warrior on the chest with the handle of his walking stick, which was of silver, and was in the shape of a pelican.

"My lord," said Hatch.

"Find out who made this piece of furniture."

"My lord," said Hatch, "it came to Dalar ken Halvar as part of the spoils from Malic Milvus."

This was true, and Hatch was glad to mention it, for he was eager to reopen the matter of the Malic Milvus campaign and the costs of that victory.

"Yes, yes, Malic Milvus," said the emperor. "Where you put us to abominable expense, this piece of rotten woodworm your sole recompense to the throne."

"My lord, I – "

"You might brush down my robes," said the Silver Emperor, "if you were wanting to be of assistance to us."

Hatch plucked a fan from one of the slave girls and used it to remove the splinters, dust and woodworm droppings which had despoiled his emperor's robes.

"Hatch," said the Silver Emperor, while Hatch was still at work.

"My lord," said Hatch, pausing in his cleaning duties.

"See how far you can throw this throne."

Hatch looked at his emperor in astonishment. Was he hearing aright? And if he was, then was his emperor deranged or what?

"In… in which direction, my lord?"

"The direction of your choice."

"As my lord commands," said Hatch.

Since Hatch was the emperor's slave, it was his duty to obey the emperor's every whim. Sometimes these whims were exceedingly strange, as Hatch had found in the past. Still, many emperors have suffered from worse deficiencies than a taste for the occasional piece of casual vandalism, so Hatch did not object too seriously to his lord's excesses.

Obedient to his emperor's command, the Frangoni warrior braced himself, picked up the throne – it proved lighter than he had expected – and heaved it toward the center of the Hall. It crashed onto the rocks of the Hall and shattered in a cloud of dust.

"Ah," said the Silver Emperor, with a great sigh of satisfaction. "That's something I've always wanted to do. So, Hatch. So you do have your uses. You – you, girl – what's your name – fetch me a chair."

A chair was fetched and Plandruk Qinplaqus settled himself in this makeshift throne – a procedure which was less than instantaneous, involving as it did the placement of a cushion under his feet by one slave and the serving to him of sherbet by another.

"Well, Hatch," said the Silver Emperor, once he was properly seated. "Have you caught any more mad scientists?"

"None," said Hatch.

"Then you're in default of your duty," said the Silver Emperor. "My spies tell me there were ten of them down by the river. They were endeavoring to invent a vehicle for submersible travel."

"To do what?" said Hatch. "To ride the river to the Mouth?"

"Don't be impertinent with me!" said Plandruk Qinplaqus, shaking his walking stick at Hatch. "Impertinence ill becomes you. Address the question, Hatch. What have you been doing to catch me mad scientists?"

In truth, Asodo Hatch had not been involved with any mad scientists since he had disposed of Darius Flute. The unfortunate Flute had cracked under the pressure of his Combat College studies, and had abruptly withdrawn from the College, announcing that he was going to start a new Renaissance of Technology in Dalar ken Halvar. This was quite, quite mad, as the city of Dalar ken Halvar and the continent of Parengarenga as a whole quite lacked the population base and the raw materials required to create any technology capable of economically out-performing an ox cart.

But the Silver Emperor had taken Darius Flute's claims seriously. Plandruk Qinplaqus had never banned technological enterprise, since the Silver Emperor knew full well that to forbid something was to make it universally attractive. So Qinplaqus had ordered Hatch to execute Darius Flute, but to do so in a manner which would not draw public attention to Flute's technological enterprises.