Darren Shan - Tunnels of Blood

It was then that I heard a soft chuckling noise beneath my feet. Glancing down through the bars of the vent I saw nobody and thought I must have been hearing things. But then a voice came up out of the shadows.

"I like your girlfriend, Darren Shan," it said with a giggle, and I knew instantly who was down there. "A very tasty dish. Good enough to eat, wouldn't you say? Much tastier-looking than your other friend. Much tastier than Evra."

It was Murlough- the mad vampaneze !

I dropped to my knees and peered through the bars of the vent. It was dark down there, but after a few seconds I was able to make out the rough figure of the fat vampaneze.

"What's your girlfriend's name, hmmm?" Murlough asked. "Anne? Beatrice? Catherine? Diane? Elsa? Franny? Geraldine? Henrietta? Eileen? Josie — " He stopped and I could sense him frowning. "No. Wait. Eileen begins with an 'E, not an 'I. Are there any women's names beginning with T? I can't think of any offhand. How about you, Darren Shan? Any ideas, hmmm? Any notions?" He pronounced my first name weirdly, so that it rhymed with Jarwren.

"How did you find me?" I gasped.

"That was easy." He leaned forward, carefully avoiding the rays of sunlight, and tapped the side of his head. "Used my brains," he said. "Young Murlough's got plenty of brains, yes he does. I played a tune on your friend — Snakey Von. He told me where the hotel was. I set up camp outside. Watched carefully. Saw you passing with your girlfriend, so I followed."

"What do you mean, 'Played a tune'?" I asked.

The vampaneze laughed out loud. "With my knife," he explained. "My knife and a few sets of scales. Get it? Scales . Scales on Snakey, scales on a piano. Ha! Brains, I told you, brains! A stupid man couldn't make jokes so cunning, jokes so shrewd. Young Murlough has brains the size of —»

"Where's Evra?" I interrupted, pounding the bars of the vent to shut him up. I gave them a yank, to see if I could get down to him, but they were sealed firmly in the ground.

"Evra? Evra Von?" Murlough did a strange little half-dance in the darkness underneath the vent. "Evra's strapped up," he told me. "Hanging by his ankles. Blood rushing to his head. Squealing like a piggie. Begging to be let free."

"Where is he?" I asked desperately. "Is he alive?"

"Tell me," he said, ignoring my questions, "where are you and the vampire staying? You've moved hotels, haven't you? That's why I didn't see you coming out. What were you doing in the square, anyway? No!" he shouted as I opened my mouth to speak. "Don't tell me, don't tell me! Give the brains a chance to work. Young Murlough's got plenty of brains. Brains oozing out his ears, some would say."

He paused, his little eyes darting back and forth, then snapped his fingers and squealed. "The girl! Darren Shan's little friend! She lives in the square, hmmm? You wanted to see her. Which house is hers? Don't tell me, don't tell me! I'll figure it out. I'll track her down. Juicy-looking girl. Plenty of blood, hmmm? Lovely salty blood. I can taste her already."

"Stay away from her!" I screamed. "If you go near her, I'll —»

"Shut up!" the vampaneze barked. "Don't threaten me! I won't take lip from a runtish half-vampire like you. Any more like that and I'm off, and that'll be the end of Snakey."

I brought myself under control. "Does that mean he's still alive?" I asked shakily.

Murlough grinned and tapped his nose. "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. No way for you to know for sure, is there?"

"Mr. Crepsley said vampaneze have to keep their word," I said. "If you give me your word that he's alive, then I'll know."

Murlough nodded slowly. "He's alive."

"You give me your word?"

"I give you my word," he said. "Snakey's alive. Tied up and strung up. Squealing like a piggie. I'm keeping him for Christmas. He'll be my Christmas dinner. Snakey instead of turkey. Do you think that's foul of me, hmmm?" He laughed. "Get it? Foul . Not one of my subtler jokes, but it'll do. Snakey laughed. Snakey does everything I tell him to. You would, too, in his position. Dangling by his ankles. Squealing like a piggie."

Murlough had an irritating way of repeating himself.

"Look," I said, "let Evra go. Please, he's never hurt you."

"He interfered with my schedule!" the vampaneze shrieked. "I was ready to feed. It was going to be glorious. I would have drained the fat man, then skinned him alive and stuck his corpse up with the rest in the cold room. Made cannibals of some poor unsuspecting humans. It would have been great sport, hmmm?"

"Evra didn't get in your way," I said. "That was me and Mr. Crepsley. Evra was outside."

"Inside, outside — he wasn't on my side. But he soon will be." Murlough licked his blood-red lips.

"On my side and in my tummy. I never had snake-boy before. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I'll stuff him before feeding. Make it more Christmasy."

"I'll kill you!" I screamed, tugging at the vent again, losing my self-control. "I'll track you down and tear you apart, limb from limb!"

"Oh, my!" Murlough laughed, pretending to be scared. "Oh, heavens! Please don't hurt me, nasty little half-vampire. Young Murlough's a good guy. Say you'll leave me be."

"Where's Evra?" I roared. "Bring him up here now, or I'll —»

"All right," Murlough snapped, "that's enough! I didn't come here to be shouted at, no I didn't. There's plenty of other places I can go if I want people shouting at me, hmmm? Now shut up and listen."

It took a lot of effort, but I finally managed to calm down.

"Good," Murlough grunted. "That's better. You're not as stupid as most vampires. A little brains in Darren Shan, hmmm? Not as smart as me, of course, but who is? Young Murlough's got more brains than… "Enough." He dug his nails into the wall beneath the vent and climbed up a couple of feet. "Listen carefully." He sounded sane now. "I don't know how you found me — Snakey couldn't tell me, no matter how many scales I played — and I don't care. That's your secret. Keep it. We all need secrets, don't we, hmmm?

"And I don't care about the human," he went on. "He was just a meal. Plenty more where he came from. Plenty more blood in the fleshy human sea.

"I don't even care about you ," he snorted. "Half-vampires don't interest me. You were only following your master. You don't worry me. I'm prepared to let you live. You and Snakey and the human.

"But the vampire — Larten Crepsley." The vampaneze's red eyes filled with hate. " Him I care about. He should have known better than to get in my way. Vampires and vampaneze don't mix!" he roared at the top of his voice. "Even the fools of the world know that! It's been agreed upon. We don't interfere with one another's ways. He broke the laws. He must be made to pay."

"He broke no law," I said defiantly. "You're crazy. You were killing people all over the city. You had to be stopped."

" Crazy ?" I'd expected Murlough to react furiously to the insult, but he only chuckled. "Is that what he told you? Crazy? Young Murlough isn't crazy! I'm as sane a vampaneze as ever walked. Would I be here if I was crazy? Would I have had sense enough to keep Snakey alive? Do you see me foaming at the mouth? Do you hear me babbling like an idiot? Hmmm?"

I decided to humor him. "Maybe not," I said. "You seem pretty smart now that I think about it."

"Of course I'm smart! Young Murlough's got brains. Can't be crazy if you've got brains, not unless you get rabies. See any rabid animals?"

"No," I said.

"There you are!" he declared triumphantly. "No crazy animals, so no crazy Murlough. You follow, hmmm?"

"I follow," I said quietly.

"Why did he interfere?" Murlough asked. He sounded confused and annoyed. "I wasn't doing anything to him. I wouldn't have gotten in his way. Why did he have to go and mess things up?"