Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

‘Supposed fairy?’

‘That’s right. Supposed. We have only your word for it, and of course that of Mister Kirkenhazard, who apparently is your worst enemy. Nobody is falling for that ruse, I assure you.’

‘Examine the thing yourself,’ blurted Kronski, glossing over the Kirkenhazard accusation. ‘This is an easy argument to win.’

‘Thank you, Doctor,’ said Artemis. ‘I believe I shall.’

Artemis approached the cage. This was the tricky part as it required sleight of hand and coordination, which were the elements in every plan that he usually left to Butler.

His pocket bulged slightly with a couple of adhesive Nu-skin bandages taken from Mulch’s medi-kit. He had told the security guard they were nicotine patches and so he had been allowed bring them through to the banquet. The bandages’ adhesive was activated by skin contact and they moulded themselves to the contours they were applied to, assuming the colour and texture of the surrounding skin.

Artemis’s fingers hovered over his pocket, but it was not yet time to touch a bandage. It would simply stick to his own hand. Instead, he reached into his other pocket for the phone he had stolen from the Bentley back at Rathdown Park.

‘This phone is invaluable to me,’ he told the Extinctionists. ‘It’s a little bulkier than other phones, but that is because I have been installing add-ons for years. It is an amazing thing, really. I can stream television, watch movies, check my stocks, all the standard stuff. But I also have an X-ray camera and display. Just give me a second.’ Artemis pressed a few buttons, linking the phone by Bluetooth to the laptops and from there to the large-view screen.

‘Ah, here we are,’ Artemis said, passing the phone in front of his hand. On screen an arrangement of phalanges, metacarpals and carpals stood out darkly inside a pale foam of flesh. ‘You see the bones of my hand quite clearly. This is a very good projection system you have, Doctor Kronski. I congratulate you.’

Kronski’s smile was as fake as the congratulations had been.

‘Do you have a point, Pasteur, or are you just showing us how clever you are?’

‘Oh, I have a point, Doctor. And the point is that were it not for the wideness of the brow and the pointed ears, this creature would seem remarkably like a little girl.’

Kronski snorted. ‘A pity about the ears and brow. But for them you would have an argument.’

‘Precisely,’ said Artemis, and passed the phone before Holly’s face. On screen, he played a short movie file he had constructed back in the shuttle. It showed Holly’s skull with dark dense shapes on temples and ears.

‘Implants,’ crowed Artemis. ‘Clearly the result of surgery. This fairy is a clever fake. You have tried to dupe us, Kronski.’

Kronski’s denials were lost in the roar of the crowd. The Extinctionists surged to their feet, decrying this despicable con-job.

‘You lied to me, Damon!’ shouted Tommy Kirkenhazard, with something like anguish. ‘To me .’

‘Put him in the pit,’ called Contessa Irina Kostovich, her face as feral as that of the Honshu wolf on her shoulder. ‘Make Kronski extinct. He deserves it for dragging us here.’

Kronski upped the volume on his podium mike. ‘This is ridiculous. If you have been tricked, then so have I. No! I will not believe it. This boy, this Pasteur, is lying. My fairy is real. Just give me a chance to prove it.’

‘I have not finished, Doctor,’ cried Artemis, stepping boldly to the dock. In both hands he held a Nu-skin patch, slipped into his palms during the confusion. He could feel pinpricks of heat on his flesh as the adhesive was activated. He had to act quickly or his plans would be reduced to two flesh-coloured pads on his own hands.

‘These ears do not seem right to me. And your friend Mister Kirkenhazard was most gentle with them.’

Artemis scrunched one Nu-skin patch into a rough cone, sealing the adhesive on itself. He thrust the other hand through the bars and make a great show of tugging on the tip, while in reality spreading the second bandage over Holly’s ear. Covering the entire tip and most of the auricle.

‘It’s coming away,’ he grunted, making sure to mask the cage’s camera with his forearm. ‘I have it.’

Seconds later the bandage was dry and one of Holly’s ears was totally obscured. Artemis looked her in the eye and winked.

Play along, the wink said. I will get you out of this.

At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like any chance of another kiss later?

Back to business.

‘It’s a fake,’ called Artemis, holding high the crumpled flesh-coloured bandage. ‘It came off in my hand.’

Holly obligingly presented her profile to the web cam. No more pointed ear.

Outrage was the dominant reaction from the Extinctionists.

Kronski had tricked them all or, even worse, he had been bamboozled by a boy.

Artemis held the supposed fake ear aloft, squeezing it as though he were strangling a poisonous snake.

‘Is this the man we want to lead us? Has Doctor Kronski displayed sound judgement in this case?’

Artemis threw the ‘ear’ to the ground. ‘And supposedly this creature can hypnotize us all. I rather think her mouth is covered so she cannot speak.’

With one sharp movement, he ripped the tape from Holly’s mouth. She winced and shot Artemis a dour glare, but then quickly dissolved into tears, playing the part of human victim to perfection.

‘I didn’t want to do it,’ she sobbed.

‘Do what?’ Artemis prompted.

‘Doctor Kronski took me from the orphanage.’

Artemis raised an eyebrow. The orphanage? Holly was ad-libbing.

‘He told me if I had the implants, then I could live in America. After the operation I changed my mind, but the doctor wouldn’t let me go.’

‘An orphanage,’ said Artemis. ‘Why, that’s bordering on the unbelievable.’

Holly’s chin dropped. ‘He said he’d kill me if I told.’

Artemis was outraged. ‘He said he’d kill you. And this is the man steering our organization. A man who hunts humans as well as animals.’ He pointed an accusing finger at a bewildered Kronski. ‘You, sir, are worse than the creatures we all despise, and I demand you release this poor girl.’

Kronski was finished and he knew it. But something could still be salvaged from this mess. He still had the group’s account numbers and he was the only one with the combination to the compound safe. He could be out of this place in two hours with enough riches to last a few years. All he had to do was somehow stop this Pasteur boy hamming it up.

And then he remembered. Ham!

‘And what about this?’ he shouted, brandishing Holly’s gun. ‘I suppose this is fake too.’

The Extinctionists drew back. Cowering behind their seats.

‘Absolutely,’ sneered Artemis. ‘A child’s toy. Nothing more.’

‘Would you stake your life on it?’

Artemis appeared to hesitate. ‘N-no need for dramatics, Doctor. Your cause is lost. Accept it.’

‘No,’ snapped Kronski. ‘If the gun is real, then the creature is real. And if she is not real, as you insist, then you have nothing to fear.’

Artemis summoned his courage. ‘Very well, do your worst.’ He stood squarely before the tiny needle barrel, offering his chest.

‘You are about to die, Pasteur,’ said Kronski, without much sympathy.

‘Perhaps I would be, if you could squeeze your chubby finger into the trigger guard,’ said Artemis, almost as if he were goading the doctor into action.

‘To hell with you, then!’ barked Kronski, and pulled the trigger.