Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

Perhaps I am too young for all this.

Age was immaterial. Without his efforts, Artemis Fowl Senior would be lost forever in Russia, and that was simply not going to happen.

Butler’s voice came over the jet’s intercom. ‘All quiet up front, Artemis. Once we get out over the Mediterranean, I’m going to put her on autopilot for an hour and try to wind down …’

Artemis stared at the speaker. He could sense that Butler had more to say. Nothing but static and the beep of instruments for a moment, then… ‘Today, Artemis, when you told me to shoot the lemur, you were bluffing? You were bluffing, weren’t you?’

‘It was no bluff,’ said Artemis, his voice unwavering. ‘I will do whatever it takes.’

TARA SHUTTLE PORT, IRELAND

Access to the Tara shuttle port was hindered by several steel doors, various scans and codes, tamper-proof bio-locks and a 360-degree surveillance network at the entrance, which is not as easy to set up as it is to say. Of course, all of this could be bypassed if one knew a secret way in.

‘How did you know I have a secret way in?’ pouted Mulch.

In response, Artemis and Holly simply looked at him, as though he were an idiot, waiting for the penny to drop.

‘Stupid time travel,’ muttered the dwarf. ‘Told you all about it myself, I suppose.’

‘You will,’ confirmed Holly. ‘And I don’t see what you’re so upset about. It’s not as if I can report you to anyone.’

‘True,’ admitted Mulch. ‘And there is all that lovely loot.’

The three sat in a stolen Mini Cooper outside the boundary fence of the McGraney farm, underneath which was concealed the Tara shuttle port. Ten thousand cubic metres of terminal hidden by a dairy farm. The first light of dawn was diluting the darkness, and the lumpy silhouettes of grazing cows ambled across the meadow. In a year or two, Tara would become a bustling tourist hub for the fairies, but for the moment all tourism had been suspended since the Spelltropy outbreak.

Mulch squinted at the nearest beast through the back window. ‘You know something, I’m a tad peckish. I couldn’t eat a whole cow, but I’d put a fair dent in one.’

‘Mulch Diggums hungry. Stop the presses,’ commented Artemis drily. He opened the driver’s door, stepping on to the grassy verge. A light mist clung to his face and the clean smell of country air ran through his system like a stimulant.

‘We need to get going. I have no doubt that the lemur is already six thousand metres in the air.’

‘That’s a nimble lemur,’ sniggered the dwarf. He climbed over the front seat, and tumbled out on to the verge.

‘Nice clay,’ he said, giving the ground a lick. ‘Tastes like profit.’

Holly stepped from the passenger seat and sideswiped Mulch’s behind with her loafer.

‘There will be no profit for you if we can’t get into the terminal unseen.’

The dwarf picked himself up. ‘I thought we were supposed to be friends. Easy with the kicking and the punching. Are you always this aggressive?’

‘Can you do it or not?’

‘Of course I can. I said so, didn’t I? I’ve been running around this terminal for years. Ever since my cousin-’

Artemis butted in on the conversation. ‘Ever since your cousin — Nord, if I’m not mistaken — ever since Nord was arrested on pollution charges and you broke him out. We know. We know everything about you. Now, let’s move on with the plan.’

Mulch turned his back to Artemis, casually unbuttoning his bum-flap. This action was among the worst insults in a dwarf’s arsenal. Second only to what was known as the Tuba, which involves a cleaning of the pipes in someone’s direction. Wars have been fought over the Tuba.

‘Moving on, chief. Stay here for fifteen minutes, then make your way to the main entrance. I would take you with me, but this tunnel is too long to hold things in, if you catch my drift.’ He paused for a wink. ‘And if you stand too close, that’s exactly what you’ll be catching.’

Artemis smiled through gritted teeth. ‘Very well. Most amusing. Fifteen minutes it is, Mister Diggums, the clock is ticking.’

‘Ticking?’ said Mulch. ‘Fairy clocks haven’t ticked for centuries.’

Then he unhinged his jaw and leaped, with astonishing grace, diving into the earth like a dolphin slicing through a wave, but without the sunny disposition or cute grin.

Though Artemis had seen this a dozen times, he could not help being impressed.

‘What a species,’ he commented. ‘If they could take their minds off their stomachs for a few minutes, they could rule the world.’

Holly climbed on to the bonnet, resting her back against the windscreen, feeling the sun on her cheeks.

‘Maybe they don’t want to rule the world. Maybe that’s just you, Arty.’

Arty.

Guilt gnawed at Artemis’s stomach. He gazed at Holly’s familiar fine features and realized that he couldn’t keep lying to her any longer.

‘It’s a pity we had to steal this car,’ continued Holly, eyes closed. ‘But the note we left was clear enough. The owner should find it without a problem.’

Artemis didn’t feel so bad about the car. He had bigger nails in his coffin.

‘Yes, the car,’ he said absently.

I need to tell her. I have to tell her.

Artemis put a toe on the Mini’s front tyre and climbed on to the bonnet beside Holly. He sat there for a few minutes, concentrating on the experience. Storing it away.

Holly glanced at him sitting next to her.

‘Sorry about earlier. You know, the thing.’

‘The kiss?’

Holly closed her eyes. ‘Yes. I don’t know what’s happening to me. We’re not even the same species. And, when we go back, we will be ourselves again.’ Holly covered her face with her free hand. ‘Listen to me. Babbling. The LEP’s first female captain. That time stream has turned me into what you would call a teenager again.’

It was true. Holly was different; the time stream had brought them closer together.

‘What if I’m stuck like this? That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?’

The question hung in the air between them. A question heavy with insecurity and hope.

If you answer this question, it will be the worst thing you have ever done.

‘It wasn’t you, Holly,’ Artemis blurted, his forehead hot, his calm cracked.

Holly’s smile froze, still there but puzzled. ‘What wasn’t me?’

‘You didn’t infect my mother. I did it. It was me. I had a few sparks left over from the tunnel and I made my parents forget I’d been missing for three years.’

Holly’s smile was gone now.

‘I didn’t… but you told me …’

She stopped in mid-sentence, the truth washing across her face like a disease.

Artemis pressed on, determined to explain himself. ‘I had to do it, Holly. Mother is dying… will be dying. I needed to be certain of your help… Please understand …’

He trailed off, realizing that there was no explaining away his actions. Artemis allowed Holly several minutes to fume, then spoke again.

‘If there had been another way, Holly, believe me …’

No reaction. Holly’s face was carved in stone.

‘Please, Holly. Say something.’

Holly slid from the bonnet, her feet connecting solidly with the earth.

‘Fifteen minutes are up,’ she said. ‘Time to move out.’

She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swathes in the green-black grass. Dawn sunlight shimmered on the tip of each blade and Holly’s passage set a surging ripple of light flashing across the meadow.

Extraordinary , thought Artemis. What have I lost?

There was nothing to do but trudge after her.