Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

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Ten-year-old Artemis Fowl was keeping one eye on the drama unfolding in the gorilla cage.

‘Troglodytes gorilla ,’ he commented to Butler. ‘Given the name by Doctor Thomas S. Savage, an American missionary to western Africa, who first scientifically described the gorilla in 1847.’

‘You don’t say,’ murmured the bodyguard, who was more interested in the brute’s bite radius than its proper name.

They had used the commotion as cover to slip out from the artificial hide and across the small courtyard to the lemur’s cage, which was beside the gorilla’s cage.

The strange newcomers were far too busy to notice them swipe the cage’s key-card lock and open the gate door.

‘Look at those two. Wasting time. You wouldn’t catch me doing that.’

Butler snorted, as he usually did immediately before delivering a deadpan line.

‘Most people never catch you doing anything, Artemis.’

Artemis allowed himself a chuckle. This was an interesting day, and he was enjoying the challenges that it presented.

‘And there we are,’ said Artemis quietly. ‘The last silky sifaka lemur in the world. The hundred-thousand-euro primate.’

The lemur was perched high in a Madagascar palm, clinging to the branches with its long, grasping toes and opposable thumb digits. Its coat was snow white with a brown patch on the chest.

Artemis pointed at the animal. ‘That colouring results from chest scent marking with the sternal-gular gland.’

‘Uh-huh,’ said Butler, who cared slightly less about this than he did about the gorilla’s scientific name. ‘Let’s just get the animal and get out of here before our friends next door regroup.’

‘I think we have a moment or two,’ said Artemis.

Butler studied the strangers in the adjacent cage. It was surprising that the male was not in pieces by now, but somehow the female had appeared from nowhere and chased the gorilla off. Impressive. That one had a few tricks up her sleeve. There was serious technology behind her. Perhaps some kind of camouflage software in the clothing, which could explain the sparks. The Americans, he knew, were developing an all-terrain camouflage suit. One of his military contacts had sent him a link to a leaked video on the Internet.

There was another creature in the cage, the hairy individual who had released the first two from the Bentley, picking what was supposed to be an unpickable lock in the process. The creature was neither man nor beast, a rough stumpy character who had been propelled through the earth by some force and was now suffering from a debilitating attack of gas. Somehow, this thing had managed to dig a thirty-metre tunnel in a matter of minutes. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the cages were modular, with overlapping walls, then the creature would have been in the same cage as the lemur. As it was, while it emerged directly below the lemur, it was one cage over.

Butler knew that Artemis would be just itching to study these strange creatures, but now was not the time. They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened.

The bodyguard drew his dart pistol, but Artemis recognized the sound of a gun sliding from a holster and waved his index finger.

‘That’s our last option. I don’t want our little friend breaking his neck on the way down. First we try gentle persuasion.’

From his pocket Artemis tugged a small ziplock bag containing an amber gel flecked with black and green.

‘My own concoction,’ he explained. ‘The sifakas are from the Indriidae family of primates, which, as you know, is a strictly vegetarian family.’

‘Who wouldn’t know that?’ wondered Butler, who had not exactly put away his pistol.

Artemis unzipped the bag, releasing a sweet, thick aroma that wound its way up towards the lemur.

‘Sap concentrate, with a potpourri of African vegetation. No lemur could resist this. But if this particular primate’s brain is stronger than his stomach, fire away. One shot, if you please, and avoid the head. The needle alone would probably be enough to crack that tiny skull.’

Butler would have snorted, but the lemur was moving. It crawled along the branch, dipping its pointed nose to catch the odour. Touching the smell with a darting pink tongue.

‘Hmm,’ said the bodyguard. ‘That concoction won’t work on humans, I suppose.’

‘Ask me again in six months,’ said Artemis. ‘I am doing some pheromone experiments.’

The lemur scampered forward now, hypnotized by the glorious aroma. When the branch ran out, it dropped to the ground and hopped forward on two legs, fingers outstretched towards the bag.

Artemis grinned. ‘This game is over.’

‘Maybe not,’ said Butler. In the cage beside them, the long-haired boy was on his feet and the female was making a very strange noise.

The corona of magic around fourteen-year-old Artemis and Holly faded, and along with it went the dreamlike trance insulating Artemis’s mind.

He was instantly alert. Holly had kissed him. Artemis back-pedalled, jumping to his feet, spreading his arms wide to counteract the sudden dizziness.

‘Eh, thanks,’ he said awkwardly. ‘That was unexpected.’

Holly smiled, feeling a little embarrassed. ‘Artemis, you’re OK. Any more healings and you’ll be nothing but scar tissue held together by magic thread.’

Artemis thought that it would be nice to stay here and talk like this, but one cage over his future was escaping with his past.

He understood immediately what had happened. Mulch’s nose had led them to the right place, but the cages were built like interlocking blocks and so the lemur had been above them, but also in the next cage. He should have remembered that, if he had been here before. But Artemis had no memory of visiting the central compound. As far as he was aware, the park director had brought the lemur into a special viewing room. This was confusing.

‘Very well,’ he said. ‘I see where we are …’

He was thinking aloud, steadying his mind, trying to forget the kiss for now. Think about it later.

Artemis rubbed the red sparks from his eyes, then turned as quickly as the post-healing vertigo would allow. There he was, his younger self, enticing the silky sifaka lemur with a bag of amber paste.

Sap, I bet. Perhaps with a few twigs and leaves. Wasn’t I a clever boy?

An immediate solution was needed. A fluid quick-fire plan. Artemis rubbed his eye sockets as if that could sharpen his mind.

‘Mulch, can you tunnel?’

The dwarf opened his mouth to answer, but threw up instead.

‘I dunno,’ he said finally. ‘My head’s a bit flippy-floppy. Stomach too. That bash really shook me.’ His belly made a sound like an outboard motor.‘’ Scuse me. I think I gotta …’

He did indeed gotta. Mulch crawled into a fern patch and let fly with the remainder of his stomach contents. Several leaves wilted on the spot.

No use, thought Artemis. I need a miracle or that lemur is gone and dead.

He grabbed Holly’s shoulders. ‘Do you have any magic left?’

‘A little, Artemis. A few sparks maybe.’

‘Can you talk to the animals?’

Holly twisted her chin to the left until her neck bone clicked, checking the tank.

‘I could do that, anything except trolls. They don’t fall for that trick.’

Artemis nodded, muttering to himself. Thinking.

‘OK. OK. I want you to scare that lemur away from me. The younger me. And I need confusion. Can you do that?’

‘I can try.’

Holly closed her eyes, breathed deeply through her nose, filling her lungs, then threw her head back and howled. It was a fantastic noise. Lions, apes, wolves and eagles. They were all in there. The howl was punctuated by the staccato chatter of monkeys and the hiss of a thousand snakes.