Sean Cullen - The Prince of Neither Here Nor There

“You be careful, mon,” Leonard rumbled. “It be a dangerous world out there!” Saskia smiled at him but said nothing.

Brendan smiled weakly. Leonard pushed the door open to reveal the rainy green. “You come back soon. We’ll be waitin’ for ya.”

Brendan nodded. He took one last look back at Kim, Ariel, Og, and Deirdre. They were all watching him, save Deirdre, who was slightly turned away and looking down at something she held in her hand. Brendan recognized that stance: she was trying to send a text on her phone without anyone seeing. Presently, she stuffed her hand back into her pocket and looked up at him. She smiled at him reassuringly. Og raised his whisky glass while sucking mustard off his knuckles. Ariel nodded. Kim merely looked steadily back and mouthed the words “Be careful.” Brendan waved and stepped out into the night.

And so he found himself, immediately soaked to the skin and shivering in the downpour, holding the soggy sandwich. He was miserable, depressed, and alone.

He turned around to look at the Swan but it was gone. The doorway was gone. A blank wall stared back at him. There was no hint that it had ever been there at all. He could not go back.

“Where do I start looking for something that I didn’t even know existed?” He felt utterly miserable. He held up the sandwich, which was dissolving in the rain before his eyes. “Even my sandwich is ruined.” In disgust, he threw the sandwich onto the grass.

“Ow!” the sandwich squeaked.

Brendan almost leapt out of his skin. “Who said that?”

“Uuuughh,” the sandwich moaned.

“Will the weirdness ever end?” Brendan said to the rain. “I’m talking to a sandwich.”

As he watched, wide-eyed, the top slice of bread flopped over to reveal a tiny person, her clothes smeared with mustard and mayonnaise, lying on a bed of ham. The person in question had small fly wings and pale mauve eyes. “Oh crap.” She picked at her tight brocaded coat, trying to wipe mustard off. “That’s not coming out.”

Brendan reached down and scooped the person into his hand. Sitting on his palm was a perfectly formed little woman dressed in a tight-fitting red velvet suit. Her hair was fireengine red and her cheeks were flushed. Brendan peered closely at her. “You’re a… Diminutive?”

“Bah,” she spat. “I don’t stand by that modern malarkey. I’m a Lesser Faerie and proud of it!” She thumped her chest and tried to stand but fell back onto her bottom.

Brendan sniffed. “You’re drunk!”

“Never! Not a bit of it! I never touch the demon liquor. Not me! Ha! Drunk, he says! The idea!” Finishing with a huff of disgust, she glared at him, her tiny arms crossed defensively over her chest. A sly look came into her eye. “Something sweet, now! I wouldn’t say no to that! Ya have anything sweet in your pockets, your grace?”

Brendan frowned. Digging into his pockets, he found the packet of gum that he’d used to strike a bargain with Skreet in the Undertown. He held it up.

The little fairy spat. “Sugarless? Poison! Poison, I say!”

“Forgive me,” Brendan said sarcastically. Digging in the pocket of his trousers, he was pleasantly surprised when his fingers closed on a small hard object. He pulled his hand out and revealed a small after-dinner mint furred liberally with lint. “How about this?”

The Lesser Faerie’s eyes lit up. “Yes!” She zipped forward and snatched the mint from Brendan’s fingers. Without a moment’s hesitation, she stuffed the entire sweet, lint and all, into her tiny mouth. Brendan marvelled that she could even encompass the entire morsel. It was like watching a normal-sized person stick a softball in her mouth. With great effort, somehow, she managed to stuff the whole mint in. “SnarffffffmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMM MMMMM!”

The effect was immediate. The tiny creature began glowing, brighter and brighter, as if she were a tiny star. The raindrops falling on her fizzed like drops of fat in a frying pan as they struck her. Brendan had to shield his eyes from the intense glare.

“Yesssssss!” The Lesser Faerie began zipping around erratically, shooting here and there at random. “Sugarrrrrrr!” she shouted. She divebombed Brendan’s head and then whirled around his ears in tighter and tighter circles.

“Hey! Calm down!” Brendan cried in alarm.

Then, as suddenly as the fit began, it ended. Her light winked out, and she fell with a soft plop face-down in the mud.

“Sugar…” she mumbled. Snores, impossibly loud for such a minute creature, rose to Brendan’s ears. He bent down and picked the tiny woman up in the palm of his hand.

“Great,” Brendan snorted. “I’m stuck in the rain with homicidal Orcadia after me, and all I have to defend myself with is a miniature sugar junkie.”

“That’s not all you have,” Mr. Greenleaf said, stepping out from under the trees. “You have your wits and your luck.”

Brendan almost dropped the Lesser Faerie in surprise. “Do you people enjoy scaring the crap out of me?”

“Sorry to startle you,” Greenleaf said with a smile. Titi zipped out of the darkness to land on his shoulder. After a wink at Brendan she began preening her coat of colourful feathers. “I forget that you can’t sense us yet. When you become fully fledged, you will be very difficult to surprise. But to the matter at hand… You must be off. Time is wasting. My sister texted me that you might need some help.”

“I thought cellphones weren’t allowed in there,” Brendan said.

“Rules must be bent when the situation demands it.”

“Does that mean you’re gonna help me find this amulet?” Brendan’s heart lifted.

“No.” Greenleaf shook his head decisively. “Even I can’t flout the Law to that extent. As it stands, my even talking to you could be misconstrued. If anyone asks me, I will say that I wasn’t aware of your status.” Greenleaf looked at the lingering cloud bank. “I will try to give you a little breathing room, that’s all. I’ve been keeping an eye on Orcadia. She is waiting for you to leave the island.”

“If I leave this place, I won’t be protected, will I? This… shield-thingy…”

“The Ward of the Island.”

“Whatever, it only assures my safety on the Island. As soon as I leave here, I’m toast.”

Greenleaf shook his head. “If she sees you leave. I can do something about that.”

“I thought no one could help me.”

“I wouldn’t be helping you directly. If asked, I would say that I was just trying to vex Orcadia, which has become something of a hobby of mine, of late.”

“Fine. So how are you going to hide me?”

“I won’t hide you.” Greenleaf’s smile showed a hint of mischief. “I will be you.”

Greenleaf reached out and touched Brendan’s shoulder. There was a tingling sensation where the hand contacted him. Then, as Brendan watched in astonishment, Mr. Greenleaf shimmered. His features smeared. He shrank slightly in stature. In a matter of seconds, his appearance had completely changed. Brendan stood open mouthed, staring at an exact replica of himself. “What do you think? Neat, huh?” Even Greenleaf’s voice and manner of speaking had changed to sound like Brendan’s.

“How did you do that?”

Greenleaf laughed. “A glamour. Now I will leave the Island, and Orcadia, thinking I am you, will chase me. I will lead her on a wild goose chase.”

Brendan stared in disbelief. “I can’t get over how creepy it is looking at another me.”

“Get over it, dude. Now!” Greenleaf struck a very “Brendan” pose. Brendan had to admit, Greenleaf was good.

“Okay.”

“I will go and lead her away. I don’t know how long I can give you, but you must use the time wisely.” Titi waggled a hand at Brendan, then crawled into Greenleaf’s shirt pocket, out of sight. Greenleaf turned to go.