“I am.” This time the phrase, in the Speech, was identical with the Self-declaration of Life. Nita, even more unnerved now, half expected to hear thunder, but none came. The One was either otherwise occupied, or not particularly concerned about having Its lines stolen. “But That, out there… That’s different.”
Nita wasn’t sure that the clown was able to perceive the contradictions. Maybe it can’t. Or maybe different and other don’t mean the same thing for it . Certainly they were different words in the Speech.
“All right,” Nita said. “I won’t argue that.” She noted that the clown wasn’t wincing quite so badly now when she said “I.” “But, look, you don’t have to stay here.”
And suddenly there were two clowns again. One of them was back in the middle of the spotlight.
Nita made a silent bet with herself as to which one would shred next. The spotlit clown said, “But this is all there is.” The one standing in shadow said, “If I go there… That’s waiting.”
One more tiger growl sounded from out in the darkness: Nita’s dream-image of the Lone Power, patient, hungry, willing to wait. But still a little tired , Nita thought. Interesting …
“Yeah, well, so is What’s older,” Nita said. “And doesn’t die, no matter what one of Its older kids intended for the rest of creation.”
This time the screaming didn’t surprise Nita when it started. This time it was the clown in the shadows that shredded. The one in the spotlight looked at Nita in genuine shock. “Where’d you come from?” it said.
“Don’t ask me ,” Nita said. “Theoretically, I’m asleep. Look, now that you’re over not being the only thing in existence — for the moment — do you wear that costume all the time?”
The clown looked at her in astonishment. “You can tell it’s a costume?”
“Under the costumes,” Nita said, “even clowns have lives. Outside the circus, anyway.”
The clown was silent again, for even longer than before. Nita waited, untroubled. This far along in her practice, she had learned that a lot of wizardry wasn’t speech, but silence. “It seemed right,” the clown said. “The body I wear usually doesn’t work real well, and that makes people laugh. They may as well laugh for a good reason as for a bad one.”
And suddenly it wasn’t a clown standing there, but a boy of maybe eleven. He was handsome, in a little-kid way, skinny and sharp-faced, with a short, restrained Afro cut high in the back. But his eyes were younger than his body. “Nothing works,” he said, sounding abruptly matter-of-fact — or maybe it was just the loss of the clown suit that reinforced this effect. “Everybody laughs. Especially the ones who don’t do it out loud; they do it the loudest.”
Nita’s surprise at the change of clown-into-kid was muted a little by what he was saying, because she knew something about this, though not in regard to laughter. Some of the kids at school and family friends who’d tried over the past month to treat her as usual, as if nothing had happened, had hurt her far worse than those who’d let their discomfort show. “Well,” she said, “they’re idiots.”
“They’re all That,” the little kid said, pointing with his chin into the darkness. He didn’t move much; he stood with his hands hanging down by his sides, like he wasn’t sure what to do with them, and his face was fairly immobile. “The Thing out in the darkness, That’s been chasing me forever.”
Nita wasn’t sure what to make of this.
“I’m not sure you’re not That, too,” the kid said.
Nita raised her eyebrows. “Either I’m the One, or I’m That,” she said, frankly amused at the possibility that she could be either, “but I don’t think you get to have it both ways.”
The kid looked at her with an expression that wasn’t entirely convinced. “It’s tried a lot of costumes in Its time,” he said. “It looks out of everybody’s eyes. I tried looking back for so long… but I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to get away by myself.” He looked away from Nita again. “At least when I’m all by myself, It can’t get at me. Everybody wants me to come out, I know… but every time I do, It’s waiting, and I just can’t. It hurts too much.”
Nita said nothing. Finally, after what seemed ages of silence, he turned toward her. He didn’t quite look at her as he said, “It’s looking out of your eyes, too. It’s always been close to you. Lately It’s been closer than ever.”
Nita swallowed hard. This would not be the moment to break down. “You’re not the only one It chases around, you know,” she said. “It’s after everybody else, too, one way or another. Eventually It gets us all. But if we pay attention to what we’re doing, we can make a whole lot of trouble for It along the way.” And Nita couldn’t help grinning a little, however strange that felt. If she had one satisfaction in her life these days, it was the knowledge that the Lone Power found her a personal pain in the butt, annoying enough to try to do one of Its crooked deals with.
The kid looked up at Nita with startling suddenness, and she caught the force of his glance fullon as he grinned back. “I know,” he said.
Nita actually had to stagger back a step to keep her balance, mentally and physically. Meeting his gaze was like being hit over the head with a brick, but a good brick — an abrupt, concentrated, overwhelming onslaught of cheerful power with a slight edge of mischief in it. Nita had hardly ever felt so intense a wash of emotion or attitude from any being, human or otherwise.
“I know,” he said again. “I’m doing just that. I do it all the time, now.” If anything, his grin got more jubilant, though he looked away again. “And it’s a whole lot of fun.”
Nita was on the point of saying, Don’t start enjoying it too much —and then stopped herself as she saw his smile start to fade. The sight pierced her to the heart. “But I always have to make sure I stop having the fun before It notices,” he said. “Every time I find out again that I’m not alone, I let the knowledge go.”
That explains it. That’s why he keeps forgetting things, and has to ask questions over and over .
“But why?” Nita said.
“Because it’s what always happened when things got bad for me,” the boy said, “when It first turned up in my life, the way It turns up at the bottom of everything bad. I was fine, I always knew who I was… until the world started screaming at me, making it impossible to think, to be with people… to be . I would forget myself, again and again. I couldn’t help myself. I would forget everything that hurt… and everything that didn’t. But then that started to change. I started to remember again, for a while. And It was still in here with me.”
His eyes glinted with brief amusement. “Then I saw how to repay the little ‘favor’ It did me. It can’t stop coming back to deal with me… and I never let It close the deal.” He grinned. “The only problem is that I keep getting better, keep sliding back toward the way things used to be when I was normal. And every time, to keep It interested, I have to let go of a world that has other people in it…”
“ Don’t let it go!” Nita said. “Not being alone is the best part of being a wizard!” She swallowed.
“Or just being a person.”
“Am I a wizard?” he said, a little sadly.
Nita shook her head in admiration. “If you can speak in the Enactive Recension, you’re sure on the right track!”
The growl out in the dark sounded more annoyed now, and it prolonged itself, not fading away.
“It’s been following me around,” he said. “Around and around… It’s really funny. Especially when I forget.”
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