Hugh Cook - The Wicked and the Witless

Celadon: Farfalla's second-born child, the brother of Sarazin, Peguero and Jarnel (who is the youngest). An unsubtle soldier dedicated to his military career and to very little else.

Celadon was a military attache in Shin when Sarazin arrived in the autumn, but was ordered by King Lyra to return to Selzirk with news that Sarazin was forbidden to depart Shin until Lod's trial was concluded.

Sarazin lay dreaming of Amantha. In his dream, she promenaded naked in a marble-colonnaded xystus. Her body shaved. All hair lower than her eyebrows gone entirely. He- He woke, as a servant slammed the door open.

'Blood's grief!' said Sarazin, staring at the shocked and panting man. What is it?'

"My lord,' said the servant, 'soldiers are coming. From the west.' 'From the west?' said Sarazin. 'Yes, my lord,' said the servant. 'From the west.'

'Great,' said Amantha. 'Is breakfast coming from the west, too? It should be here by now. Where is it?'

'It will be here soon, my lady, soon,' said the servant. 'But, my lord – the soldiers. The soldiers!'

'How many soldiers?' said Sarazin, already out of bed and shovelling himself into his clothes. 'How many and how far distant? Who saw them? Do they come by road or by forest?'

They march down the North Road, my lord. Some charcoal burners sighted them yesterday at dusk. They went not near enough to count them but hastened to Shin by night. Ere the sun rose they persuaded the ferrymen to bring them across the river that they might give us the news. They ask now for reward.'

'Hold them!' said Sarazin. 'Death will reward them if they've told us untruths. Where is Jarl?' Yes, and breakfast!' said Amantha.

'Breakfast is coming, my lady, coming soon,' said the servant, obviously more fearful of Amantha than he was of Sarazin – something scarcely calculated to improve Sarazin's temper. 'Jarl!' said Sarazin. Where is Jarl?' 'He is nowhere to be found, my lord.' "Then get Glambrax,' said Sarazin. 'Glambrax?' "My dwarf, you fool!'

In preparation for the wedding, at which he had thought he might possibly get drunk, Sarazin had given his ring of invisibility, his magic mudstone, his dragon bottle and his green candle into the care of the dwarf. In the event, Sarazin had stayed sober, so this precaution against drunken accidents had been unnecessary. However, Glambrax still had charge of Sarazin's magic.

And Glambrax, it seemed, had made himself very scarce indeed. Shortly, however, Thodric Jarl was found, lying dead drunk in one of the stables. Ear-pulling, rib-kicking and a dousing with cold water failed to rouse him. Further- more, Jarl's condition was far from unique. Few men were fit for battle as all had celebrated Sarazin's wedding feast in uproarious style.

Sarazin swore in his most soldierly fashion then assembled the few capable men at his command.

We ride on patrol,' said Sarazin. 'If those from the west are friendly then all is well. If not, then we will return to the Great House and flee forthwith.'

The ferrymen took Sarazin and his patrol across the Velvet River to the start of the North Road, a wide trail of mud with forest uprising on either side. Soon Sarazin was leading his men westward. It might be that they rode to their deaths, yet none of their demeanour admitted dismay.

They had not gone far when they sighted a single avant- courier. The man drew rein when he saw them. Whereupon Sarazin cried, in a loud voice: Who is it who marches on the realm of Chenameg?' "Me!' answered a voice which was not entirely unfamiliar. It was his brother Celadon.

Sarazin rode forward. Then the two brothers sat on their horses eyeing each other with disfavour. They did not know each other very well for their past acquaintance had been but short. However, what they knew they disliked.

To Sarazin, Celadon was an uncouth militarist whose concern for the future was strictly limited to the provenance of his next beer and his next whore. To Celadon, Sarazin was a severe embarrassment, a wildly reckless adventurer whose self-serving ambition threatened the careers (if not the very lives) of everyone who had the misfortune to be related to him.

'What,' said Sarazin, opening the hostilities, 'are you doing here? Moreover, how many men do you have at your back?'

'I have four hundred men,' said Celadon, 'and I ride to ensure the lawful succession of the throne of Chenameg.' 'That has been decided already,' said Sarazin, 'for I have married the fair princess Amantha and am myself king in Chenameg.' You!' said Celadon, gaping.

Yes,' said Sarazin proudly, pleased with the obvious impact his new status was making on his brother. Then Celadon said:

You're mad! Mad, yes, and shortly dead, unless you flee. 'Tis well I rode first. With no witness to this warning I can let you escape. I thought you ready for some lunacy – but never something so witless as this!'

'Have a care how you speak,' said Sarazin, a warning in his voice, 'for you are talking to a king.'

'Tarkal is king, fool!' said Celadon. 'He rides in our ranks.' And Celadon explained.

Celadon had of course been sent to Selzirk with news that King Lyra wished Sarazin to remain in Shin for Lod's trial. Unbeknownst to Sarazin, King Lyra had also given Celadon secret dispatches complaining of the activities of outlaws, brigands and anarchists, and asking Selzirk to send Celadon back to Shin in due course with a force sufficient to restore law to the countryside.

Celadon had left Selzirk on Midwinter's Day, which was, in Shin, the first day of the Phoenix Festival.

When King Lyra died on the second day of the Phoenix Festival there had been fighting between men loyal to Tarkal and those loyal to Lod, as Sarazin knew well. The fighting had been inconclusive, and, while Tarkal had won temporary control of Shin, he had been uncertain of his ability to hold the city.

Therefore Tarkal had evacuated Shin and had set off for the Harvest Plains, ferrying every man, woman, child and servant within his power to cross the Velvet River to the North Road then marching them westward. Lod had pursued all the way, and many of the evacuees had died on the slow and bitter retreat.

Then the sore-pressed Tarkal had met Celadon's men, who had been advancing eastward along the North Road at a leisurely pace. Celadon, with gusto, treated Sarazin to a sanguinary account of the action which had followed.

Tod may well be dead,' concluded Celadon, 'though we have not seen his corpse. But Tarkal is definitely alive, and my duty is clear. As he is King Lyra's oldest son I must see him seated on Chenameg's throne.' You have no authority to do so,' said Sarazin savagely.

'On the contrary, I have every authority,' said Celadon. Tvly warrant for this foray into Chenameg commands me to obey King Lyra, or, in the event of his death, his son Tarkal.' 'But I am king!'

'Then Selzirk will kill you on that account if you allow yourself to be captured,' said Celadon, 'for Selzirk sees fit to order the succession in Shin.'

What cause has Selzirk to meddle in the affairs of Chenameg?' demanded Sarazin.

That is for our rulers to say,' said Celadon. 'I am but a simple soldier and do what I am told. So far, brother mine, I do not know you have made yourself king. We did not meet here, neither did we speak. But soon enough I will know all, then it will be my duty plain to hunt you down and drag you back to Selzirk in chains, there to meet the justice which will doubtless be your death.'

There was no time left for further argument, for Celadon's troops were not that far behind him. Sarazin therefore fled to Shin with his patrol. Once he was back on the southern bank of the Velvet River his first thought was to destroy all water transport. But the ferrymen refused to do the burning and sinking he ordered and his men refused to execute those ferrymen for disobedience.