Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

He knew so little about pirates that he actually believed the swaggering braggarts when they boasted of hand-to-hand combats with green centipedes, nightmarish encounters with stalkers, sightings of the fearsome jugalut (which last is actually an entirely mythical beast), and their disappointment when monsters kept them from the Fountain of Youth, the Tree of Gold, the Temple of the Lost Twelve Thousand Virgins, and several other wonders of the legend-lands beyond Drangsturm.

'Which of us,' said Arabin, 'is to be Grand Admiral of the Fleet of Imperial Conquest? You must decide.'

'Yes,' said Slagger Mulps. 'And don't say neither. You promised.'

'I promised,' said Menator, 'to seriously consider a suitable questing hero as Grand Admiral. As I've got two questing heroes and only one position to offer, this gives me a problem.'

'Then think about your problem,' said Arabin. 'And think carefully. Remember, you've got two questing heroes to deal with – and only a single head on your shoulders.'

And, having made that scarcely veiled threat, Jon Arabin departed, in the company of Slagger Mulps. Menator, in his wisdom, decided to do nothing. Walrus and Warwolf were, after all, notorious enemies. Surely there was a good chance they would come to blows, and halve his problem (or, with luck, solve it entirely).

For a while, it looked like Walrus and Warwolf would indeed solve Menator's problem for him. The rival captains began sharpening weapons, meanwhile engaging in a crude form of psychological warfare, involving boasts, threats, rumour-mongering, and a variety of popular slogans (for example, 'The Walrus knobs pigs' bums' – which was about the height of wit in this particular campaign).

Slagger Mulps brought a shark to market, cut a slit in its belly, then offered to sell it to the Warwolf as a whore. Men from the opposing crews then set about remoulding each other's heads with staves and cudgels.

Drake wondered how the two captains could be so foolish. When Mulps was first dared south to hunt a monster, Drake had seen immediately that it was just Menator's way of killing the man off. Since then, Drake had thought long and hard about the way in which King Tor and Lord Menator had ordered Drake Douay to go with the Walrus. Drake was fairly sure that Menator, at least, had meant for Drake to get killed.

'The man's mad for power,' muttered Drake to Drake. 'He wanted me dead lest I rule on Stokos one day. Aye. Likely he wants Stokos for his own. And he'll kill off every other rival, too, starting with Walrus and Warwolf.'

The obvious move was for Walrus and Warwolf to end their feud and make a united approach to Menator. But did Drake dare suggest it?No.

The Walrus still thought of Drake as a traitor. Ish Ulpin was still ready to kill Drake the first moment he caught him alone – which was why Drake stuck close in the company of Warwolf crewmen. And as for Jon Arabin . . . why, giving him advice would mean stirring up that monstrous pride of his.

'Heth,' said Drake. 'I wish you were here for me to talk to!'

But Heth had not yet returned from his raiding expedition to Stokos. Grave fears were held for his safety.

'Likely Heth's dead,' said Drake, bitterly. 'So who's left? King Tor? No. He does what Menator tells him to, as far as I can see. So who can talk to Walrus and Warwolf both?'In the end, Drake shared his fears with Jon Disaster.

'Abousir Belench,' said Disaster, once he knew all the facts. 'That's your man. He trusts nobody. He'd be the first to mistrust Menator if we told things to him straight. He'd talk sense to our captains, for he knows them both of old.'

With Disaster and Baltu, Drake ventured to Chastity Bay, and returned to Knock with Abousir Belench, who went into action with some swift, effective diplomacy. He arranged a temporary truce of sorts between Walrus and Warwolf. He also organized a coalition of pirate captains to put pressure on Menator.

Thus, shortly, Jon Arabin and Slagger Mulps had another interview with Menator.

'I've had time to think,' said Menator, 'and I've come to a decision.''Aye, well,' said Mulps, 'let's hope it's a good one.'

'Aye,' said Arabin, 'for we were none of us blooded yesterday.'

'The decision should please both of you,' said Menator. 'It can't,' said Arabin, 'unless we both get to be admirals.'

'That's what I was thinking of,' said Menator. 'Since you've both proved worthy, it's only right you should both be admirals.'

'But you've only got one fleet,' objected Mulps. 'Cut it in half, and we won't be admiral of much.'

'Ah,' said Menator, 'but, you see, I've decided to double the size of the imperial sea force by inviting my brother Ohio to join forces with us. I have lately learnt that he heads a pirate fleet operating out of Ork.''Out of where?' said Mulps.Menator explained.

'That's a devil of a long way from here,' said Mulps. 'I'm glad I don't have to go there.'

'Ah,' said Menator. 'But . . . since you will both be admirals, you must prove a peace between you.''We've done it!' said Arabin.

'Your reputations,' said Menator smoothly, without missing a beat, 'suggest two men at war. To prove peace, you must sail to Ork on the same ship, negotiate with my brother, and bring back from him a token he carries which matches this half-coin I hold – no, you don't need to see it more closely. You must get all this done by the end of autumn at the latest.'

That was not far away, all this politicking, adventuring and boasting having made time fly like feathers in a hurricane. Did they have enough time? Jon Arabin judged that they did. Plenty of time.

'We'll do it,' he said, thinking it would be easy. 'It's a task fit for heroes.'

And Slagger Mulps, though he had his doubts about the enterprise, was not prepared to plead himself less than a hero.

Drake Douay, hearing the news, was dismayed.

'Menator suckered our captains anyway!' he complained to Jon Disaster. 'He's got us running on another daft and dangerous expedition.'

'Relax, man,' said Disaster. 'It's just a sea voyage we're facing, that's all.'

'A voyage north,' said Drake. 'First north, then east. I've heard Jon Arabin talking of those waters, aye. The sands of the Lessers, which break ships by thousands. The coast of Lorp, plagued with poxy shipwreckers. The rocks of Penvash. The northern storms.'

'Arabin talks of such on occasion,' said Disaster. 'So the talk is proof they're far from certain killers. Relax. We'll have the voyage done and be home before winter.'

So spoke Disaster. But Drake was certain something would go wrong. Likely they would be wrecked on the coast of Estar, where Atsimo Andranovory had been marooned, and meet that thug as head of a band of brigands or such.He shuddered.'Well,' said Disaster, 'if you're so set against the idea, doubtless you can stay home on the Teeth.''No thanks,' said Drake hastily.

For, as Tor was no longer a friend of his, and Lord Menator was in all probability a murderous enemy, he judged he would be safer risking the dangers of the voyage to Ork than staying home on Knock.

Besides, if Jon Arabin got to be admiral, surely the heroes of the voyage to Ork would become captains in their own right. At the very least.

'A ship,' said Drake. 'A ship of my own. That's what I need. Then I can sail south to Drangsturm, aye, and have a go at finding Zanya. Aye. And do deeds fit for heroes, raid ships, storm cities and such. That'll impress King Tor no end. If I could raid Cam and bring back the head of Gouda Muck, I'm sure Tor would think again of me for his daughter . . .'So thought Drake Douay.

It was then late summer in Khmar 19, and Drake Douay was an honest 18 (plus a few months, which he counted, though there is no need for history to attend to them so closely).