Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

Then Nabajoth again asked, 'How can a boy like you pretend to religious wisdom?'Whereupon Arabin thought deeply.

Then spoke, saying, 'Why dost thou use the argument ad hominem? Hast thou no learning?

'If thou wast to wake beside a whore and hear her parrot say unto you that the sea is blue, would the sea be less blue because a whore's parrot had declared it?

'And if a child saith the gods are exceedingly great and mighty, are the gods therefore as woodlice because a child has declared them mighty?'

'And if I were to say that the belly of a certain City Father was exceedingly great, yea, and waxy, and a meal a pack of hungry dogs could not consume entire, would the waxiness of his dislike of me make him thin?'

Then an unseemly laughter was heard in parts of the Council Chamber, and Nabajoth assumed a redness of the face and then a purple.

And the wrath of Nabajoth was exceedingly great, and was matched by the laughter only.

Then Nabajoth hardened his fingers to fists and spake, saying many things later expunged from the Record, then died of apoplexy.

Then Garimanthea asked for a recess that he might confer with his client reference protocol and etiquette and certain other related matters.And a recess was granted unto him.

Vision the Third

Now it happened that after the recess, Zeruqin spake unto Arabin, saying, 'What is religion?'

And Arabin answered, 'It is worship.'

And Zeruqin asked of him, 'What then is worship?'

And Arabin said, 'It is the Walking of the Way.'

5 Whereupon Zeruqin asked him if it was the way to Selzirk he spoke of, or the way to the docks of Runcorn, or the way back to the brothel he was spawned in.

Upon which Garimanthea made certain entries upon a parchment and gave it unto Zeruqin, saying it was a writ concerning the slander Zeruqin had just made upon the ancestry of Arabin.

Then there was long and heated colloquy during which Zeruqin offered to meet Arabin on the Field of Honour which lay but a fingerlength beyond the Jurisdiction of the Free City of Runcorn.

And Arabin answered him, saying, 'Verily thou art reckless, but there shall we meet, and have a testing of manhood.'9 And a recess was agreed to.

And it came to pass that the two of them met on the Field of Honour with blades of steel which were slender, yea, and had about them a beauty which was equal to the beauty of a woman in her nakedness.

And Arabin killed his man, yet was himself unwounded.

Vision the Fourth

Now on the next day the Hearing of the City Fathers of Runcorn resumed.

And Jarmuth Japhia Lachish said unto Arabin from the glory of his chins, which were five in number, 'How is it that thou pretendeth to religion?

'For since when is drinking, gambling and whoring of the nature of religion?

'A man cannot commune with the gods through drinking.

'Nor find the revelations of the spirit through whoring.

'And, as for gambling, there is no good in it.'

Then Arabin spake unto him, saying unto him:

8 'Hast thou ever sat at table with hard liquor for seven days and seven nights unceasing?'

9 And Lachish answered him: 'No.'10 'And hast thou ever rolled dice for thine future, staking the one and most worthless foreign dorth which remaineth to thee?'And Lachish answered him: 'No,'

'And hast thou ever slept with a whore, or with two whores and a dog, or with a young boy and a hot pig, or in a room equipped with the pleasures of mouths and whips and wet liver and-'

Whereupon there was uproar of surpassing greatness.

But the Record showed the answer of Lachish as 'No.'

Then did Arabin call attention to the answer shown in the Record, and say unto Lachish: 'If thou hast not tasted these pleasures, wherefore dost thou speak of the goodness or the badness thereof?'

And Lachish replied that the badness of it was evident to all who heard of it.

Whereupon Arabin spoke unto him, saying, 'Verily verily I say unto you that the nature of a thing is known only by the Investigation of that thing.

'For one may buy a certain skin of drink because the merchant hath praised it, yet find upon consumption that there is no wine within but vinegar, for the praising of a thing relies for proof upon the tasting.'Likewise its denigration.

'Now if I speak to you of the goodness of my woman and of the sex of her, you may deny me.

'But your denial is as the boast of the merchant who sold the wine.

'For all opinion is an empty prating of wind unless thou hast lain between the nakedness of her breasts, or tasted of the myrrh of her lips, or grappled with the smoothness of her loins, which are of a fragrance like unto spikenard, and a smoothness like unto fine wine.

'The truth of a thing is revealed by the Investigation of that thing, the touching and the tasting thereof, the evidence which is ocular and that which is of the bouquet.'Thus it is with all my religion.'

Whereupon three of the City Fathers were Illuminated, and resigned their positions on the spot, and went forth from that place that they might worship.

And Arabin in his wisdom sent messengers ahead of them, and free drinks were waiting when they got to the bar.

Then those of the City Fathers who remained were sorely vexed.

28 And Jarmuth Japhia Lachish spake from the glory of his five chins, saying unto Arabin: 'Boy, wherefore dost thou perplex us with this gobbledygook which hath not the half of an arse upon it?

'Verily, thou shalt learn that the wise will not think the shit of a bull to be the pudding of a plum merely because a boy has declared it to be so.'

Whereupon Arabin said unto him: 'Is it not the wisdom of the Ancients that a thing must be Investigated before it is Known?'

Whereupon they were sore amazed, for they saw that he was learned in the Inner Principles of the Old Science.

And Arabin spoke unto them, saying, 'Verily, dialectic is a sharp blade, and I believe it hath cut off the heads of your arguments.'

Whereupon another recess was called, and both the wise and the unwise departed from that place until the next day should dawn.

Vision the Fifth

And it came to pass that on the next day Arabin arrived in the company of damsels.

And with him also were men bearing boards for the playing of dice-chess, and good gold for the staking thereat.

And maids bearing platters of goodly sweetmeats, of the red meat and the white, of fish and of fowl, and of all things rich in their taste and in their juices.

And there was strong drink also, even the firewater which is from Ebrell.

And Arabin addressed the City Fathers, saying unto them: 'Come, will you not Investigate in the manner of the Ancients?

'Truly this is the highest wisdom that remains to us, that we should Investigate before we Pronounce.'

Then Jarmuth Japhia Lachish spoke many words, and caused to be abolished from the sight of the City Fathers the damsels, dice-chess, gold, platters and strong drink also, yea, even the rare and most precious firewater which was from Ebrell.

Then Lachish spoke unto Arabin from the glory of his five chins, saying:'Boy, there are two ways of knowing.

'One you have spoken of, which is Investigation, yet one you have not spoken of, and that is Tradition.'Yet Tradition is equal in wisdom to Investigation.

'For Tradition tells us that a man cannot breathe below water, but must surely drown.

'And, likewise, that a man cannot cut out his own heart with cold steel then dance, but must surely die.

'And, also, that gambling brings poverty, whores bring pox, and strong drink is the destruction of sound men.'

Then Lachish caused to be brought before them a chalice, which was wrought in high silver and chased about with gold, and within that chalice was a liquid.