Roger Zelazny: Trumps of doom

Finally: «You said you were finished. Did you just mean the job and your life here, or something else as well?»

«I don't follow you.»

«You had a way of disappearing - back in college, too. You'd be gone for a while and then just as suddenly turn up again. You always were vague about it, too. Seemed like you were leading some sort of double life. That have anything to do with it?»

«I don't know what you mean.» He smiled.

«Sure you do,» he said. When I did not reply; he added: «Well, good luck with it -whatever.»

Always moving, seldom at rest, he fidgeted with a key ring while we had a second cup of coffee, bouncing and jangling keys and a bhp shone pendant. Our breakfasts finally arrived and we ate is silence for a while.

Then he asked, «You still have the Starburst?»

«No. Sold her last fall,» I told him. «I'd been so busy I just didn't have time to sail. Hated to see her idle.»

He nodded.

«That's too bad,» he said. «We had a lot of fun with her, back in school. Later, too. I'd have liked to take her out once more, for old times' sake.»

«Yes.»

«Say, you haven't seen Julia recently.»

«No, not since we broke up. I think she's still going with some guy named Rick. Have you?»

«Yeah. I stopped by last night.»

«Why?»

He shrugged.

«She was one of the gang - and we've all been drifting apart.

«How was she?»

«Still looking good. She asked about you. Gave me this…to give to you, too.»

He withdrew a sealed envelope from inside his jacket and passed it to me. It bore my name, in her handwriting. I tore it open and read:

Merle, I. was wrong: I know who you are and there is danger. I have to see you. I have something you will nod. It is very important. Please call or come by as soon as you can.

Love, Julia

«Thanks,» I said, opening my pack and filing it.

It was puzzling as well as unsettling. In the extreme. I'd have to decide what to do about it later. I still liked her more than I cared to think about, but I wasn't sure I wanted to see her again. But what did she mean about knowing who I am?

I pushed her out of my mind, again.

I watched the traffic for a time and drank coffee and thought about how I'd first met Luke, in our freshman year, in the Fencing Club. He was unbelievably good.

«Still fence?» I asked him.

«Sometimes. How about you?»

«Occasionally.»

«We never really did find out who was better.»

«No time now,» I said.

He chuckled and poked his knife at me a few times. «I guess not. When are you leaving?»

«Probably tomorrow. I' m just cleaning up a few odds and ends. When that's done I'll go.»

«Where are you heading?»

«Here and there. Haven't decided on everything yet.»

«You're crazy.»

«Um-hm. Wanderjahr is what they used to call it. I missed out on mine and I want it now.»

«Actually it does sound pretty nice. Maybe I ought to try it myself sometime.»

«Maybe so. I thought you took your in installments, though.»

«What do you mean?»

«I wasn't the only one who used to take off a lot.»

«Oh, that.» He dismissed it with the wave, of a hand. «that was business, not pleasure. Had to do some deals to pay the bills. You going to see your folks?»

Strange question. Neither of us had ever spoken of our parents before, except in the most general terms.

«I don't think so,» I said. «How're yours?»

He caught my gaze and held it, his chronic smile widening slightly.

«Hard to say,» he replied. «We're kind of out of touch.»

I smiled, too.

«I know the feeling.»

We finished our food, had a final coffee…

«So you won't be talking to Miller?» he asked.

«No.»

He shrugged again. The check came by and he picked it up:

«This one's on me,» he said. «After all, I'm working.»

«Thanks. Maybe I can get back at you for dinner. Where're you staying?»

«Wait.» He reached into his shirt pocket, took out a matchbook, tossed it to me. «There. New Line Motel,» he said.

«Say I come by about six?»

«Okay.»

He settled up and we parted on the street.

«See you,» he said.

«Yeah.» Bye-bye, Luke Raynard. Strange man. We'd known each other for almost eight years. Had some good times. Competed in a number of sports. Used to jog together almost every day We'd both been on the track team. Dated the same girls sometimes. I wondered about him again - strong, smart, and as private a person as myself. There was a bond between us, one that I didn't fully understand.

I walked back to my apartment's parking lot and checked under my car's hood and frame before I tossed my pack inside and started the engine. I drove slowly, looking at things that had been fresh and new eight years before, saying good-bye to them now. During the past week I had said it to all of the people who had mattered to me. Except for Julia.

It was one of those things I felt like putting off, but there was no time. It was either now or not at all, and my curiosity had been piqued. I pulled into a shopping mall's lot and located a pay phone, but there was no answer when I rang her number. I supposed she could be working full-time on a dayshift again, but she could also be taking a shower or be out shopping. I decided to drive on over to her place and see. It wasn't that far. And whatever it was that she had for me, picking it up would be a good excuse for seeing her this one last time.

I cruised the neighborhood for several minutes, before I located a parking space. I locked the car, walked back to the corner, and turned right. The day had grown slightly warmer. Somewhere, dogs were barking.

I strolled on up the block to that huge Victorian house that had been converted into apartments. I couldn't see her windows from the front. She was on the top floor, to the rear. I tried to suppress memories as I passed on up the front walk, but it was no good. Thoughts of our times together came rushing back along with a gang of old feelings. I halted… It was silly coming here. Why bother, for something I hadn't even missed. Still…

Hell. I wanted to see her one more time. I wasn't going to back out now. I mounted the steps and crossed the porch. The door was open a crack so I walked in.

Same foyer. Same tired-looking potted violet, dust on its leaves, on the chest before the gilt-framed mirror - the mirror that had reflected our embrace, slightly warped, many times. My face rippled as I went by.

I climbed the green-carpeted stairs. A dog began howling somewhere out back.

The first landing was unchanged. I walked the short hallway, past the drab etchings and the old end table, turned 'and mounted the second staircase. Halfway up I heard a scratching noise from overhead and a sound like a bottle or a vase rolling on a hardwood floor. Then silence again, save for a few gusts of wind about the eaves. A faint apprehension stirred within me and I quickened my pace. I halted at the head of the stairway and nothing looked to be out of order, but with my next inhalation a peculiar odor came to me. I couldn't place it - sweat, must, damp, dirt perhaps - certainly something organic.

I moved then to Julia's door and waited for several moments. The odor seemed stronger there, but I heard no new sounds.

I rapped softly on the dark wood. For a moment it seemed that I heard someone stirring within, but only for a moment. I knocked again.

«Julia?» I called out. «It's me Merle.»

Nothing.

I knocked louder.

Something fell with a crash. I tried the doorknob. Locked.

I twisted and jerked and tore the doorknob, the lock plate, and the entire locking mechanism free. I moved immidiately to my left then, past the hinged edge of the door and the frame. I extended my left hand and applied gentle pressure to the upper panel with my fingertips.