Herbie Brennan - Ruler of the Realm

Pyrgus was staring at her in astonishment. ‘How do you know all this technical stuff?’ he asked. ‘Forest Faeries don’t even use portals.’

Nymph just smiled at him.

Pyrgus said, ‘Pity we don’t have anything to blow up the first portal.’ When he’d suggested sabotage he’d been thinking of blocking them up with rocks, an old guerrilla trick that would have left transported demons locked inside the stones.

‘Think we might have, sir,’ Woodfordi said. He rummaged in his kit and brought out a length of painted willow about nine inches long.

‘What’s that?’ Pyrgus asked.

‘Exploding wand, sir. You snap it in half to distress the spell coating, then leave the pieces beside the thing you want to blow up. You’ve got eight seconds to get out of range.’

‘I thought CCs were non-combatants,’ Pyrgus said.

Woodfordi smiled. ‘Still issue you with the kit and give you the basic training,’ he said. ‘Just in case.’

Nymph, who was looking at Woodfordi, said, ‘What’s the problem?’

Pyrgus glanced at her in surprise. ‘Why should there be a problem?’

Woodfordi said, ‘Thing is, Miss, eight seconds is plenty of time to get out of range of the wand explosion. But if the wand triggers the portal, that’s a much bigger explosion. Much bigger…’

‘So whoever blows up the first portal might not get away in time? Might be caught by the larger explosion?’

‘Might be killed, Miss, yes,’ Woodfordi nodded soberly.

‘I’ll do it,’ Pyrgus told them promptly.

‘No you won’t,’ said Nymph at once.

‘I’m the soldier,’ Woodfordi said. ‘Has to be my job.’

‘You’re our Communications Channel,’ Pyrgus told him fiercely. ‘We need you to get word back to the palace.’

‘Can’t get word back from here,’ Woodfordi pointed out. ‘Orion isn’t answering.’

‘That’s only because we’re in the deep desert. We can use you later.’

‘I’ll do it,’ Nymph said. ‘I can run faster than either of you.’

‘No you can’t!’ Pyrgus bristled.

‘Oh yes I can,’ Nymph told him confidently. ‘Besides, I know what a portal explosion is like and I think I can be out of range within eight seconds.’

‘How do you know what a portal explosion is like?’

Annoyingly, Nymph only smiled at him again.

The argument went on until Nagel crept up beside them and suggested, ‘Ace or aht.’

Pyrgus blinked. ‘Race for it?’ He’d understood Nagel this time and it sounded like a good idea. He didn’t think he’d have any problem beating a girl and Woodfordi had only little short legs.

‘From here to that rock,’ Nagel said, pointing. ‘I’ll count you down from three.’

They raced and Nymph won easily. ‘You can help me set the wand,’ she told them reassuringly (and without the good grace to breathe heavily). ‘I’ll let you get clear before I set it off.’

‘We need to be sure the portals are close enough together for any of this to work,’ Pyrgus said a little sulkily.

Nymph beamed at him. ‘Then let us go and inspect them properly,’ she said. ‘Coming, Nagel?’

The Trinian shook his head. ‘If you’re going to blow things up, I have to get my people out of the area. They hate explosions.’ He moved away to disappear between some rocks.

‘I’ll come with you,’ Woodfordi said. ‘I’ve got a measure and I know the distance we need.’

The three of them were on their way to the nearest portal when a group of rocks transformed themselves into a Goblin Guard.

Henry’s face was on fire. ‘I did what?’ he exclaimed.

‘That’s not the worst of it,’ said Fogarty. His face was unsmiling as ever, but there was a glint in his eye that might have meant he was enjoying this.

‘What’s the worst of it?’ Henry asked with trepidation.

‘You tried to get her to mate with you,’ Fogarty said.

There was a war on and the world was falling apart around them, but since there was nothing they could do about it, Fogarty and Henry had gone to Fogarty’s lodge where they were drinking Analogue tea from a dwindling supply while Fogarty brought Henry up to speed on what had happened to him.

Henry was not enjoying the experience.

He stared at Mr Fogarty, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Eventually he squeaked, ‘ Mate? ’

‘What don’t you understand?’ Fogarty asked. ‘Your parents forgot the talk about the birds and bees?’

Henry’s hand had begun to shake so he set down his mug. ‘I couldn’t have,’ he said.

‘You could according to Blue. And you did. I don’t know what you’re making such a fuss about – I thought you fancied her.’

‘I did – I do! But -’ He picked up his mug and set it down again immediately. ‘I respect her!’ he blurted out.

Maybe it was his tone, but Mr Fogarty’s face softened. ‘Look, Henry, you can’t take this stuff personally. Beleth had you fixed. You didn’t know what you were doing. From what Blue says, the implant turned you into a demon.’

After a minute, Henry said, ‘Like… with horns?’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Henry!’ Mr Fogarty exclaimed impatiently.

When Mr Fogarty was appointed Gatekeeper of the Empire, his official residence became the Gate Lodge of the Purple Palace, an imposing structure by any criterion. But since he’d moved permanently into the Realm, he’d gradually turned it into as much of a tip as the little house Henry was looking after. The room they were in at the moment was almost a replica of his original back kitchen, complete with rusting old tin biscuit boxes and half-finished bits of electrical machinery.

Henry said, ‘Well, I don’t know, do I? I can’t remember any of this!’ He didn’t mean to, but the last few words came out in a wail.

Mr Fogarty waved a hand. ‘You weren’t yourself, and Beleth has a breeding programme.’

It was almost unbearable. He loved Blue so much and all the time he kept getting into stuff like this with her. Jeez, the first time he saw her, she had no clothes on, stepping into a bath. She had to think he was a complete pervert by now. Henry wondered if he shouldn’t just go home and never come back to the Faerie Realm again. If he stayed and this sort of thing kept happening, she’d hate him for sure.

‘Mr Fogarty -’ he began.

But Mr Fogarty cut him short. ‘Nutshell, OK?’ When Henry nodded, he went on, ‘This is flying saucer business, Henry. You study that like I have and you know the demons have a breeding programme -’

‘I thought it was aliens who had flying saucers,’ Henry said, bewildered. ‘You know, from outer space and stuff.’

‘Same thing,’ Fogarty said shortly. ‘Demons… aliens… same thing. Christ, Henry, you were abducted. They do that. They’ve been doing it in our world for years. I’ve told you about this before, if you’d just take your thumb out of your ass and listen. What the hell do you think they abduct people for? All the selfappointed experts will tell you there’s something wrong with their genes and they want to improve the stock, but it’s a lot worse than that. They’re infiltrating us, Henry. They make babies with human women, then put them into positions of power when they grow up. They look like ordinary people, but they’re actually demons in human form.’ He glanced behind him and lowered his voice. ‘Half the Cabinet, Henry, and don’t get me started about the Yanks – they’ve lost most of their Senate.’ He fixed Henry with a gimlet eye. ‘Now they want to do the same in the Realm. They thought they’d start with you and Blue.’

‘Me and Blue?’ Beleth turned him into a demon so he could have a baby with Blue and the baby would grow up to be the next Purple Emperor and Beleth would have a demon on the throne? Henry thought he was about to vomit, but it was as much embarrassment as disgust. He didn’t want to hear the details, but he had to hear them anyway. This was so bad it couldn’t get any worse. ‘And I actually asked Blue to… to… you know…’