Jennifer Estep - Web of Lies

Donovan ran his hands through his black hair. “A lot of reasons. Too many to get into right now.”

“Well, let’s get into the only one that matters, the real reason you’re here. Me,” I snapped. “You’re leaving town because of me, aren’t you?”

“Guilty as charged.” The detective tried to smile. It didn’t come off very well.

“Why?” I asked. “You turned your back on me at the mine that day. I got the message. For some reason, you don’t want to have anything to do with me. Not anymore. You don’t have to leave town to accomplish that, detective. I’m not the sort who runs after a man, begging him not to leave her.”

My voice dripped with acid. So did my heart, but I kept my face calm, cold, remote. I wasn’t going to let Donovan Caine know how much he’d hurt me that day — how much he was hurting me now. I’d thought we could have something together, a real relationship. That maybe Donovan was someone I could share my heart and life with, dark though they were. But that hope had burned up and crumbled to ash, like so many other things in my life. Hope. A wasted emotion, more often than not.

“I came here to explain,” Donovan said in a low voice.

“Can you please just let me do that?”

“Fine,” I snarled. “Explain.”

Donovan drew in a deep breath. “I’ve thought about you every day, Gin. Ever since that first night we met at the orchestra house. The night Gordon Giles was murdered. I’ve replayed that scene over and over in my head. And not just that one. That night at Northern Aggression. The time we spent together at the country club. Then, in my car a few weeks ago. That night in the rain. I can’t get you out of my head. Your voice, your smell, your laugh, the way you feel against me.”

“Why is that a bad thing?” I asked. “We’re attracted to each other. That’s what people do when they’re attracted to each other.”

Donovan stared at me. “It’s a bad thing because of who you are and what you used to do.”

I’d expected the words, but they still stung. I sighed.

“If this is still about Cliff Ingles—”

He shook his head. “It’s not about Cliff, not anymore. I know why you killed him. Like I told you before, I might have done it myself, if I’d had the chance. No, this is about me.”

I just looked at him.

Donovan drew in a breath. “Do you know why I didn’t come see about you at the mine?”

“Not really.”

“After that night we were together on my car, I felt like maybe there could be something between us,” he said in a low voice. “But then you said you were going after Tobias Dawson. To kill him. And I let you. I let you. I just stood by in the background while you went after another man — to murder him. I did the very thing I’d always sworn not to do — I looked the other way. Not because Dawson was a bad guy, but because of you . I compromised myself because of you, Gin, and what I feel for you.”

Guilt, grief, and disappointment flashed in his golden eyes. And I thought back to what Warren T. Fox had told me. He’s not the one for you, the old man’s voice whispered in my head. Somehow I pushed my hurt aside, trying to be calm and rational about this. Trying to get Donovan Caine to change his mind. To stay. To give us a fucking chance .

“You know as well as I do that Tobias Dawson was never going to leave the Foxes alone. That he was in deep with Mab Monroe and both of them— both of them — would have done everything in their power to get their hands on those diamonds. Dawson dying was the only way to save Warren and Violet.”

Donovan shook his head. “I just can’t bring myself to believe that, to accept it.”

This was the same old argument we’d had so many times now. Too many to count. It wouldn’t go anywhere, so I decided to try another tactic. “Why is feeling something for me so terrible? Why can’t you just accept the fact I used to be an assassin and that I’m trying to change?”

“Because you’ll never change. Not really.”

“Oh no?”

“No,” he replied in a firm voice. “Think about it. We find out what Tobias Dawson’s doing, and what’s the first thing out of your mouth? You talking about killing him. You don’t consider any other options, you don’t consider anything. You decided you wanted Dawson dead, and you made it happen.”

“I did what needed to be done,” I said in a cold voice.

“Nothing more, nothing less. And there were no other options, detective. Because the police in this town are a joke, and we both know it. The only law, the only justice, in Ashland is what people make for themselves.”

Donovan flinched at my harsh words, but he didn’t dispute them. “I just — I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, Gin. But this thing with us, it’s over.”

“So you’re leaving town to get away from me?” I snapped.

Donovan lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. “Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s not all about you. Part of it is the department. There’s so much corruption there. I’m just… tired of it all. Of getting up every single fucking morning and knowing that I’m fighting a losing battle. I’m on the edge here, Gin. Close to becoming just like all the other crooked cops in this city. Letting you go after Alexis James was one thing. She came after both of us first. But Tobias Dawson, that was different. If it had been anyone but you, I would have cuffed your ass and dragged you down to headquarters before you got anywhere near Dawson. But I didn’t. And I regret it. More than you’ll ever know. I’m sorry, Gin. I want you to know that. I really am sorry.”

“No,” I said. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry I wasted my time on you. Face it, Donovan. You’re not leaving town because I killed Dawson. You’re leaving town because you didn’t stop me from doing it. Because you didn’t have the strength to. Because even now, despite everything, you still want to fuck me. You’re running away because your morals are more important to you than anything else, including what you could have with me.”

Donovan flinched, but he didn’t deny the truth of my words. It was too late for that. Now the detective just looked weary. His resignation only made me angrier. For a moment, the rage surged through me, hard and cold and bitter as bile. I wanted to throw something, break something. I wanted to break him . Palm my knife, step forward, and slash his throat with it. Hurt him like he was hurting me.

But I drew in a breath. I might wound Donovan with words, but nothing else. I might be a former assassin, but I was better than that. I’d never killed out of passion, and I wasn’t going to start now. The detective wasn’t worth it.

“You turned your back on me at the mine because you were glad I was dead,” I said. “Because the choice to be with me had been taken out of your hands, and your precious morals were still intact. And then I popped up again, still alive. And you were right back to square one. That’s the real truth, isn’t it?”

He didn’t say anything. And I finally let myself acknowledge something I’d known all along. Donovan Caine wanted me, but he wasn’t strong enough to accept me. Not my past, not my strength, not the woman I was. Bitter disappointment filled me, replacing my rage, but I forced myself to ask the final question I wanted an answer to.

“Where are you going?”

He shook his head. “I think it’s better if you don’t know that, Gin.”

I nodded. Maybe it was.

“I also came here to warn you,” Donovan said in a soft tone. “Jonah McAllister is out for blood for whoever killed his son. He won’t stop until he finds the person responsible. One of my sources says he’s looking into everyone Jake had a problem with — including you. And Mab Monroe doesn’t think you died in the mine with Dawson. My captain got a call from her the other day wanting to know if we’d found any more bodies in the rubble. So watch your back.”