Hugh Cook - The Wishstone and the Wonderworkers

‘Here the best minds of Untunchilamon sit in solemn ceremony, considering the case of the conjuror Odolo.’ Why did he say that? Everyone present knew as much. He was only stating the obvious. Doubtless his legal training was to blame. Yes, Xter was something of a lawyer, and nine-tenths of the practice of law is to win economic advantage by laboriously stating and restating the obvious in order to delay the resolution of the matter at hand so that the attendant legal fees may be increased to a level commensurate with lawyerly greed.

Fortunately, since Xter was very ill, the pressures of physical disability curtailed the loquacity to which his training had predisposed him, and he thereafter got down to business instanter:

‘Some would say that justice is thereby served. But I would beg to differ. This trial is a nonsense.

‘It is a nonsense to accuse Odolo of creating a dragon at banquet. For such powers of creation are vested in only the greatest. Odolo is but a prestigitator whose sole skill lies in manual manipulation. What lunacy could make anyone think this idle entertainer could have created a dragon?

‘The true villain is another person altogether. Aquitaine Varazchavardan! Yes, Varazchavardan made that dragon. He made it in an attempt to kill me. Why? Because my Inquisition was on the brink of proving his guilt. Now we have proved it! The last evidence has been obtained! Varazchavardan is a drug dealer!’

Dolglin Chin Xter paused. Not for dramatic effect, but to recover his breath. Nevertheless, while his motives for the pause were mundane, the effect was dramatic in the extreme.

The pause gave Chegory the chance to curse himself for erring most dreadfully. When he had met Varazchavardan Downstairs under inauspicious circumstances the wonderworker had not been supervising a raid on an illegal warehouse — no, he had been the proprietor of that warehouse!

The albinotic one was filth of the worst order, a fiend from the legions of the damned. He was one of those monsters who traffic in the most abominable drugs imaginable, drugs which cause insanity, cancer and death! The sorcerer was a callous, unprincipled brute who sold alcohol — evil of evils! — to enrich himself and glut his greed for worldly wealth. Yet Chegory had tried to pact with him.

With incredibly bad timing, Chegory had declared himself for Varazchavardan just before the man was revealed as a master criminal. His error was compounded by the fact that he had done so in public. In front of the Empress! In front of Olivia and Ingalawa both! Somehow, he had to extricate himself from this mess. To repudiate Varazchavardan. Quickly! But how?

Before he could think on it further, Xter continued:

‘Aquitaine Varazchavardan, in my capacity as Inquisitor General I order you to be suspended from all official duties and placed under arrest. You-’

‘You’re mad!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘I refuse to be suspended by a madman! He’s a lunatic, a crazy, a blue banana.’

‘Guards!’ shouted Xter, pointing at Varazchavardan. ‘Seize him!’

Those guards who placed their trust in Dolglin Chin Xter advanced upon Varazcavardan, who repeated his accusations of insanity:

‘He’s mad, mad! Seize him! Not me! Him!’

Those guards loyal to Varazchavardan closed in on Dolglin Chin Xter.

It was all on!

The Empress Justina was on her feet. Shouting something. But what? Her voice was lost in the uproar as roaring guards charged Xter and Varazchavardan both. Smoke of many colours boiled up around the two embattled sorcerers. The guards disappeared into the smoke. From that roiling pother came shouts and snarls, cries and screams. Slowly outcry' gave way to coughing as smoke subdued the mob.

‘Stop!’ commanded Justina. ‘Stop fighting! Now!’

She had a formidable pair of lungs. She was obeyed. Or appeared to be obeyed. In fact, combat ended because both sorcerers had disposed of the guards sent against them. Smoke cleared. Revealing the two wonderworkers. Who stood on guard with smoke still dribbled from their fingertips. Around them lay groaning guards in various states of disrepair. Nobody had been killed — a very miracle indeed!

— but most were feeling more than a little sick.

‘Order in the court!’ said Judge Qil, venturing to speak now that order had been restored.

The Empress Justina ignored him. She turned her fury on her Master of Law. ‘Varazchavardan!’ said she. Then coughed as a litde smoke invaded her airspace. Then went on: ‘Explain yourself! Are you a drug dealer or are you not?’

‘I am not,’ said Varazchavardan. He jabbed one talon in Chin Xter’s direction. ‘What’s more, this man’s a criminal! He accuses me, but he’s the one! He did it! He unleashed the dragon! I saw, you saw, we all saw! In came Xter, into the banqueting hall. Next moment — the dragon! He’s the one!’

Dolglin Chin Xter was so shocked and shaken by his batde with the guards that he could barely stand. He had no breath for eloquence. Indeed, he barely had breath sufficient to sustain life. Verily, he looked as if he might have a heart attack instanter. So there were good reasons for his silence. Health reasons. But few spectators thought of that. To most of the mundane intellects present, Xter’s silence meant only one thing: he must be guilty.

‘I order Xter to be suspended and arrested,’ said Varazchavardan. ‘On charges of high, low and middle treason. On charges of keeping dragons without licence. And — and — and of letting prisoners escape.’

‘Prisoners?’ said the Empress Justina, bewildered. ‘Stand still, you men! Still, I say! Vazzy, what’s this about prisoners?’

All action in the Star Chamber was for the moment suspended as the Empress confronted her Master of Law.

‘The prisoners I speak of are the Malud marauders who were trapped in the starvation cage,’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Xter let them out! I have proof!’

‘You are mistaken,’ said the Empress with a considerable degree of severity. ‘Young Chegory Guy let the prisoners out.’

On hearing that, Varazchavardan realised he had made a mistake. He had over-reached himself. He pushed on recklessly:

‘Then arrest him too!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Doubtless he was Xter’s agent.’

‘He only let them out so we could shelter from the dragon in the cage,’ said Justina. ‘If he hadn’t let them out, I’d be dead. Eaten by the dragon.’

‘But who brought the dragon into the banqueting hall in the first place?’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Xter! Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy! In came Xter, in came the dragon, then Chegory opened the cage, out went the prisoners, in went the Empress, confusion reigned-’

‘But I reign here and now,’ said the Empress. ‘Varazchavardan! You are out of order! Be seated!’

The Empress Justina was not a political genius. But her father, Lonstantine Thrug, had taught her the basics. In particular, he had taught her that speed is dangerous. Speed kills! Right now, a great many things were happening very very quickly. The Empress did not like it. Was Varazchavardan guilty? Was Xter? Was Odolo? She knew not, but knew full well she needed time to think about it.

‘Be seated!’ she said, repeating her order to the recalcitrant Varazchavardan.

But Varazchavardan would not be seated. Since he had gone too far already he must now go further yet — or be doomed for certain. His accusing talons needled the air as he shouted:

‘Xter! You’re under arrest! And you! The Ebby! And that corpse master, he’s under arrest! And-’

‘Halt!’ cried Justina. ‘This has gone too far! This is a gross abuse of our Presence, of the judicial process, the constitutional mechanism, your office and the public patience.’ What the Empress said might have made very litde sense if subjected to detailed intellectual analysis, but it sounded magnificent. She continued: ‘Nobody is under arrest here. Not unless I say so.’