Amanda Bonilla - Blood Before Sunrise

He pushed himself off the bed and walked toward me. I had to fight the urge not to cringe away from him, his expression was so dark. I’d seen fury boiling under the surface like that before, but never from Tyler. That terrified me.

“I thought I could prove myself to you,” he said, almost murmuring. “I thought if I gave you space and let you think I wasn’t just another user trying to control you, you’d learn to trust me. I bound myself to you out of love , and I prayed the gods would let you love me too.” He traced his fingers along my jawline, and I felt the tears welling in my eyes spill over onto my cheeks. I couldn’t bring myself to speak; the tenderness was killing me. “I should have known better,” he whispered. “I should have known you’d never let your guard down. Not for me, not for anyone.”

“Tyler,” I said as I fought to talk through the dryness in my throat, “I’m so, so sorry.”

A slight, sad smile curved his lips. “I know you are. But sorry isn’t good enough.”

“What do you want me to do?” At this point, I’d have done whatever he asked me to. “Just tell me what I have to do to fix things between us.”

“You were gone, Darian. I told you how it was for me, but you didn’t listen. It was like part of my soul had gone dark. After you left here, I could still feel you. You wouldn’t answer your phone, the PNT was looking for you, and I knew you were running. But at least I knew you were alive. Your wish made me damned near powerless. I couldn’t come for you even when I sensed you were in trouble. But then-” He paused, and his voice seemed to catch somewhere between his chest and his mouth. “You just disappeared. The light went off. Nothing . It was as if you’d never existed.”

My throat closed up; I felt as though I were suffocating. There wasn’t enough air in the world to fill my lungs. “I did what I thought was best for you. I would have died if anything had happened to you and you were already in danger-”

“You don’t get it, Darian.” He locked his gaze with mine, and I bit back a sob. “I knew you weren’t dead. After all, we’re bound. My life force is tied to yours. But at least with death there’s some sort of finality! There’s nothing worse than not knowing. And I had no idea where you’d gone, what had happened to you. Once…” He brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “Once I could’ve sworn I felt you reaching out for me. Right here.” He pounded a fist against his chest over his heart. “And it felt so real. But there wasn’t a goddamned thing I could do about it! I couldn’t go to you. I couldn’t help you. No, I knew you weren’t dead, but I mourned you just the same.”

I couldn’t hold back the flood any longer. His calm voice, the way his gaze bored right through me, the pain in every syllable he spoke; it was just too much. My entire body seemed to compress against the emotion I was trying not to let bust out of me like a broken dam. “I love you.”

“But you don’t trust me. You don’t consider me your equal. You don’t think I’m strong enough to protect you.”

“No!” Was that my voice that had erupted into a high, keening cry? “Tyler, no.”

“I wish it weren’t true.” He dragged his hand through his still-damp hair, and my knees threatened to give out beneath me. “I wish to hell that weren’t true. But this will happen again. And again. You draw danger like a magnet, Darian. No matter how much I want to be your protector, you’ll continue to push me away.”

I shook my head. The words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t get my mouth to work properly.

“I think you need some time-”

“No!” The word exploded from my lips. “Damn it, Tyler, don’t do this! Get mad, yell at me, throw something! Set the fucking bed on fire and take a baseball bat to every lamp in the house. But do not say what you’re about to say.”

“I’m sorry, love.” He laid his lips to my forehead and stayed that way for a few moments before pulling away. “I think you need to decide what you really want. I won’t tag along after you anymore. I won’t sit at home and wait while you risk your life.”

“But the bond…” It was my ace in the hole. He couldn’t leave me. He’d bound himself to me.

“Is intact,” he said. “I told you, only you have the power to break it. I will protect you with my dying breath. If you need me, you know what to do.” He turned away, left me leaning against the doorjamb for support, and returned to his suitcase. He didn’t take the time to fold his clothes, instead shoving them in the case before stuffing the lid down and zipping it closed.

I was frantic to keep him where he was. He couldn’t leave me. He couldn’t. “Ty, please don’t go. Please, Ty. Don’t-God, please-don’t leave me.”

“I won’t be gone long,” he said, throwing my own words back in my face. I wished like hell I’d never written that damned note, that I could turn back time and undo it all. “I tried too hard.” He grabbed the suitcase and crossed the room toward me. “I tried to force you before you were ready. Maybe without me here, you’ll find the closure you need to let me in. I hope that when I come back, you’ll be ready to trust me, to believe in me.”

“You don’t have to leave for that to happen, Tyler.” My world was crumbling around me, and there was nothing I could do about it. “Stay. Please.”

“I love you,” he said as he leaned in to kiss me one last time. “Good-bye, Darian.”

His lips on mine caused a ripple of energy to flow over my body, and the room swam in a dizzy blur. I closed my eyes to steady my careening world, and when I opened them again, he was gone.

I don’t know how I got back to my apartment. I was worse than a fucking zombie, more brainless than the walking dead without even hunger to motivate my shuffling steps. I got out of the elevator and stared at my surroundings as if I’d never seen the place before. Someone had come in and turned up the heat. At least, I thought someone had. The vents were blowing warm air, stirring my hair and drying my wide, unblinking eyes.

I’d been back in Seattle for only a few hours. But somehow it felt like years. As if I’d been watching from a distance, the scene with Tyler played over and over in my mind, and I searched for the right word, the perfect phrase I hadn’t said, that might have convinced him to stay. God, I’d fucked up. Pushed him too far. Expected too much and at the same time, not enough. I loved him the way I’d been taught to love-through control and manipulation. I’d failed him-miserably. I didn’t know how to share my life with someone. Tyler deserved someone so much better than I. And though I knew he should have gone out and found that better someone, I prayed to whatever gods that listened that he wouldn’t.

“I love you .”

He’d said those words to me.

“Good-bye, Darian .”

Right before he left me.

What was I going to do without him? He’d been a constant presence in my life for so long. I took for granted the knowledge that he’d always be there for me, no matter what. I took three shuffling steps toward my kitchen when a long black scabbard caught my eye. Sitting atop my dining room table were a note, a stack of mail, and-my katana.

My chest loosened a little when I looked at the sword I thought I’d lost back in Spokane when Faolán had taken control of me. I loved that goddamned piece of metal, and seeing it there on my dining room table brought a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. I picked up the note, staring at the words that seemed nothing more than incoherent scribbles until my eyes finally made sense of them all and recognized Raif’s swirling script.