Rick Cook - The Wizardry Consulted

"Something happened didn’t it?"

Malkin looked at him oddly. "Four Bog Side bullies just tried to kill you is all. I guess that qualifies as ’something’-at least for normal folk."

She strode ahead briskly. "Come on," she said over her shoulder. "Let’s get off this bridge before something else happens."

"Who?" said Wiz as he caught up beside her.

"Hired help," Malkin told him. "And not of the best, either. Seems as if someone wants you dead, but they don’t want to spend a lot of money on the project."

"Dieter?"

Malkin considered. "Mayhap. But as like Mayor Hastlebone. Or one of the others."

"Wait a minute. The mayor’s my strongest supporter."

"He’s tied his wagon to your star and that’s a fact. But mayhap he’s afraid your star will fall and wants to hedge his bet. After all, if you die accidental-like, you can’t rightly be said to have failed, now can you?"

"Hendrick?"

"Or maybe one of the common folk, who’s afraid of dragons."

"Well, if they’re afraid of dragons," Wiz said despairingly, "don’t they want me to succeed?"

"They’re likely afraid you’ll stir the dragons up to burn the town again."

"Great. Try to do them a favor and they try to kill you."

Malkin grinned. "You expected gratitude?"

Wiz stewed about the incident on the bridge for the next three days without coming to any kind of conclusion-except that someone here really didn’t like him. Since he had known that almost from the moment he set foot in town, the information didn’t help him any.

He was still stewing when the mayor showed up on his doorstep. He was hoarse and made liberal use of the handkerchief in his sleeve, but he looked better than he had the last time Wiz had seen him.

"What can I do for you, Your Honor?" he asked once they were settled in his workroom.

"It’s this new organization," Mayor Hendrick said. "Oh, I’m sure it’s wonderful and all that. But it’s so, well, complicated, we meet and we meet and we meet and nothing ever seems to get done."

"Reinventing and re-empowering an organization does take some time to get up to speed," Wiz said. "But I’m sure once the initial formalities are out of the way you will find it a vast improvement."

"Maybe, but that’s not exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I need something to help me maintain my position."

Thoughts of a palace coup flashed through Wiz’s mind. "Maintain your position?"

"With this new executive committee. I need something to increase my dignity," the mayor said. Wiz thought about suggesting a face-lift and a personality transplant, but he decided against it.

Wiz shrugged. "Well, I’m not much on public speaking."

"Oh, but you handled that presentation wonderfully," the mayor said. "Anyway, I speak well enough as it is. What I need is something more, well, imposing, if you know what I mean? Something magical. I was thinking, perhaps, a halo?"

Wiz thought that a halo would make the mayor look more ridiculous than dignified. "Fine for a darkened room, but what about broad daylight?"

Mayor Hastlebone sniffled. "Yes, that is a problem. What do you suggest then?"

"Well, how about some background music?"

"You mean like a fanfare of trumpets?" The mayor brightened. "Yes, that would be just the thing." He waved his hand. "Make it so, Wizard."

"It’s not quite that simple. Let me think for a minute. What do you want it to sound like?"

"Oh, something like Ta-daa tum tum tum TAA." The mayor waved his hand in time to the imaginary music. "You know, important."

"I guess so," Wiz said, punching keys on his workstation and watching the fiery letters scroll past. "Can you do that sound again?"

"TA-DAA TUM TUM TUM TAAA." The mayor was louder this time.

"Okay got it. Now…"

"You mean you’re not going to make a hundred trumpets materialize in the room?" The mayor sounded disappointed.

"No, I’ve captured the sound and I’ll use that. After I juice it up, of course."

Calling up his synthesizer module, Wiz set to work. Eventually he came up with something that combined the theme from Masterpiece Theater with the post call from a horse race. Even to Wiz’s musically untrained ear it sounded more like a chorus of kazoos than a trumpet call.

The mayor’s face fell.

"Needs something more," Wiz said quickly. "How about a three-part echo effect?"

Wiz noticed that the sound of the trumpets had brought Llewllyn to the doorway. He didn’t seem awed, but he was very interested.

A few more minutes of fiddling and Wiz tried again. Now it sounded like some of the kazoos had bass voices and they weren’t quite playing together. The mayor brightened at the noise.

"Now I just say fanfare exe?"

"That’s right. Try it."

Mayor Hendrick puffed out his chest and struck a pose as if delivering an oration. fanfare exe! Flinging one arm outward he began to address a non-existent crowd.

As soon as he opened his mouth the invisible trumpets brayed. His Honor stood with his mouth open for a minute and then closed it just as the fanfare finished. "My friends," the mayor began and was immediately drowned out by the trumpets.

"Ah, I think this needs a little more work," Wiz said. "Let me play with it some more and perhaps we can do better."

The mayor’s reply was drowned out by a volley of trumpets.

"Say ’fanfare cancel exe,’ " Wiz shouted through the noise.

"What?" Immediately another round of racket burst on top of the existing one.

"FANFARE CANCEL EXE," Wiz shouted.

"FANFARE CANCEL EXE?" the mayor asked. The trumpets cut off in mid-bray.

"This needs a little work," Wiz said into the ringing silence.

"I thought a wizard simply waved his wand, or staff, to make things happen."

"I’m afraid there’s a little more to it than that, at least on such complex spells. This may take a couple of days, but I’m sure I can cook something up you’ll like."

He had just seen the mayor out the front door, still sniffling, when a noise in the kitchen caught his attention. He went downstairs and found Llewllyn and Anna sitting at the table with a large basket between them. There was a blanket neatly folded on top of the basket.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked Llewllyn.

"Ah, a trifle really. Nothing of any importance I assure you."

Wiz gestured at the blanket and basket. "And this?"

"We’re going on a picnic," Anna said brightly. Her face fell. "That’s if you don’t mind, My Lord. I’ll be back in plenty of time to fix dinner and all my work’s done, except for washing the walls and I can’t do that until the soapmaker finishes her next batch of cleaning soap and that won’t be for another two days, so…"

"No, it’s fine with me." Then he eyed Llewllyn. "Just remember our discussion."

The young man gave his boss a toothpaste smile. "Of course, My Lord."

"Oh, by the way," Wiz said casually to Anna. "Have you seen the butter knife anywhere?" Then he smiled insincerely at Llewllyn, who had suddenly gone a little pale and developed a distinct hunch.