Rick Cook - The Wizardry Quested

Thanks," he said as his feet touched the ground Behind him the rope holder snorted Wiz turned to look His first impression was of Malkin in a silver fright wig. His second impression was of a lot of teeth, claws, flaming red eyes and really awful breath.

He yelled and ducked as the thing took a swipe at him. He rumbled for his staff, but the thing was too close, so he settled for tripping backwards and going flat on his back. The thing closed in for the kill and the world bunked. The protection spell, Wiz thought. The protection spell kicked in. His second thought was that he wasn’t wearing the magic ring, so he must have been stunned by his fall and before he had time for a third thought, a liquid voice broke in.

"Oh, I hope you are all right. Not damaged in any way? Here, let me help you up."

Thanks," Wiz said, taking the preferred hand.

It wasn’t a hand, exactly. It was a claw. A very large claw. At the other end of the claw was a lobster-about thirty feet of lobster.

"Uh, thanks," Wiz said again.

The lobster waved an antenna. "Think nothing of it. All in a day’s work, I can assure you." Its voice was a warm rich baritone, not at all the way Wiz had expected a lobster to sound. Although come to that, Wiz realized, he didn’t really have an idea how a lobster should sound. Terribly sorry about that, " the lobster went on. Those creatures have no manners at all, not to mention absolutely no taste! Tasteless."

The lobster gave Wiz’s hand a little squeeze before releasing it "On, and you’re molting too," the lobster said delightedly. "How wonderful. You’re especially tender at this stage." The lobster sighed. "And the sheik are such a bother." It occurred to Wiz that he might not be out of trouble yet.

"Uh, where are my friends?"

"Oh, they’re off chasing the rest of those things. They attacked them, you know." A sniff of disdain. Tasteless. Utterly tasteless. No matter how much garlic and herbs you use, it’s like eating old leather."

Wiz remembered the guardroom with the dismembered skeletons.

"Now you, on the other hand! Oh, think how wonderful you’ll smell all boiled up with lemon pepper and a bouquet garnish of herbs."

Wiz scrambled back up the slope away from the huge claws. "Look, can’t we talk about this?"

"But it is the function of humans to be served up on a plate with garlic butter and surrounded by parsley," the lobster protested as it moved toward him. It paused. "Ah, you don’t happen to have any parsley with you? Pity. I’m out." The lobster extended his enormous pincers and advanced on Wiz. "Now, I assure you, your nervous system is so primitive you won’t feel a bit of pain."

"I’ll be the judge of that," Wiz said, continuing his backwards scramble. "Did anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to eat your acquaintances?"

The lobster sighed gustily through its gills, giving Wiz a whiff of iodine-scented "breath." "You humans have the most curious notions. We have always believed that a little light conversation before dinner allows you to fully appreciate the meal. But not too much. Come on now, into the pot you go." Wiz kept backing up. There wasn’t anyplace to run to and the lobster seemed to move over the rocky ground more easily than he did.

"You’re being quite unreasonable, you know." The lobster sounded almost hurt.

"After all, humans eat us."

"But you give us heartburn."

That, " said the lobster smugly, " is the advantage of a superior constitution. We don’t get heartburn."

A fireball whizzed over the lobster to splatter against the cavern wall above them.

"Oh, drat!" said the lobster and scuttled backwards at astonishing speed as Malkin, Danny and the others came up the tunnel.

"Boy, am I glad to see you guys!" Wiz said as the rest of the party gathered around him.

"We had a little butt-kicking to do," Danny explained

"What was that?" Malkin demanded. "The Enemy?"

"No, that was a lobster. I think it was here before the Enemy took over. Local color you might say."

"I’d like to color him," Malkin retorted fiercely. "Boil him in a pot until he’s bright red."

"Yeah, well the feeling is mutual," Wiz told her.

I wish these things would run straight for a while, Wiz thought irritably. But the tunnels down here didn’t and this was an especially twisty part. Wiz’s inner ear was starting to send queasy messages to his stomach because of all the sharp turns.

Then the tunnel opened out into another room, an enormous, echoing black space that yawned before them in all directions. Wiz hastily ducked back around the corner and dimmed the magic light. Then he motioned for a huddle.

"What does the magic detector say?"

Danny squinted at the device. That there’s something magical around here that probably wouldn’t be too glad to see us. " He cocked his head and squinted some more. " But it’s not real active and it doesn’t seem to be directly in our path." Wiz peeked around the corner again and listened intently. The silence was as overpowering as the darkness. He looked at Malkin, but the thief shook her head.

"Nothing," she said quietly.

"Okay folks, single file and move softly. We don’t want whatever’s out there to surprise us."

Wiz considered leaving the light off, but he decided the danger of falling into a hole outweighed the risk of alerting whatever was in the neighborhood. With a gesture he sent the globe of light floating above them. I gotta figure out a way to make these things directional, he thought as he followed Malkin out into the room.

The room was huge. After nearly a hundred paces the light no longer showed the walls or ceiling, only the uneven, stalagmite-studded floor, glistening with moisture. It occurred to Wiz that the detector might be pointing toward their ultimate destination rather than toward the exit. If that was true they could spend hours searching for the way out and if there was more than one they could be thoroughly lost before they knew it.

Out in tile gloom was a heap of something. It wasn’t rocks and it didn’t seem to be alive, but aside from that Wiz couldn’t make out just what it was. With a gesture he increased the brightness of the magic light and was rewarded with a glint from the heap.

At first Wiz thought the pile had caught fire. Then he realized it was his own light reflected back at them, glittering off the objects in the pile. Another gesture and the light grew even brighter. Now there was no doubt at all what the heap was.

Gold winked yellow or glowed ruddy in the light. Gems flashed green and red and wine-purple fire. Pearls and opals threw back a soft luster. There were ingots and cups and brooches and rings; candlesticks and platters and coins and gems loose like marbles. Wiz even caught a glimpse of a full suit of golden armor, studded with precious stones and filigreed with enamel. All of it piled head-high in a loose, careless mass.

"Look at that," Wiz breathed.

The others could only stare. Malkin started edging toward it, only to be pushed aside roughly by Glandurg in his haste to reach the pile.

"Glandurg! Get back here. We’re not here for gold."

"What kind of adventure is it if you don’t get the treasure?" the dwarf grumbled. "Uncivilized, I say."

"Boy," said Danny, "I always knew dungeons were supposed to have treasure, but this:" He waved his arm in awe. June stayed behind her husband, obviously torn between wonder at the sight and distaste at his reaction.