N. Walters: Fabric of Fate

She locked the door before setting her purse and package on the table just inside the apartment. Silence enveloped her and the first tear rolled down her cheek.

Audrey lolled in a tub of hot water enjoying the frothy bubbles. How long had it been since she’d indulged in a bath instead of a quick shower? Too long. The heat was relaxing her body and making her sleepy. It was a nice feeling.

Her mind replayed everything she could remember from the past thirty hours or so. It was only yesterday morning she’d been gung-ho about her job and her presentation. No, that wasn’t quite true. Her job had become a habit, her enthusiasm for each project simply a manifestation of what was expected of her. Nothing more.

When had she last enjoyed what she did for a living? For that matter, when had she last enjoyed anything? She lived in one of the greatest cities in the world and she never went to a show or to a play or a concert. Too busy working.

She also had no friends. She had business acquaintances and coworkers, but not friends. No one. Not one person had called while she was in hospital, not even her assistant or her boss. There were no get-well messages on her phone. In short, no one cared.

There was something very wrong with her life.

The water was cooling and her skin was beginning to prune, so Audrey pulled the plug and carefully climbed out of the tub. She was still weak and the last thing she wanted to do was slip and fall and maybe break a limb. That would really top off the week.

The Egyptian cotton towel was soft against her skin as she dried off. She put the lid of the toilet down and sat while she slathered lotion over her arms, legs and body. When she was done she stood and surveyed herself in the mirror.

She really was too thin. She knew she’d lost weight recently but she hadn’t realized just how much. Like most people, she hadn’t given her body a second thought until it gave out on her.

The steam from the bath had made her naturally curly hair even curlier. She grabbed one corkscrew and pulled it out before letting it spring back into shape. She’d hated her hair as a child but had come to accept it as an adult. If only it was blonde or red or even black, but it was plain brown instead. She usually kept it pulled back in a hammered silver clip when she was at work, but decided to leave it down. There was no one around to impress, no one around critiquing her appearance. Alone in her home she had only to please herself.

Clothing was the next order of business. She didn’t want to get dressed, so she pulled on her cashmere robe instead. It was an indulgence and had been a Christmas present to herself last year—the only one she’d received. It was a rich, chocolate brown and made her feel warm and cozy.

Audrey freely admitted she loved fine clothes, even if she didn’t own a lot. She indulged in classic pieces that were timeless. And she purchased most of them in consignment shops and online auctions. She’d grown up poor and old habits were hard to change even though she could well afford to buy new.

But really, who needed to pay several thousand dollars for a purse when you could buy last year’s model for a third of the cost? Audrey loved searching for just the right piece and finding it at a bargain price.

She shuffled out of the bathroom, through the bedroom and out to the kitchen. Food was next on her agenda. She hadn’t eaten since breakfast and her stomach was queasy. Her head was pounding too, but it was more of a dull throb now and not the roar it was earlier. The bath had helped.

“Probably lack of caffeine.” She rubbed her temple and stared woefully at the coffee pot, but reached for the kettle instead. “Tea is better.”

By the time the water was boiled, she’d assembled a dinner of crackers, cheese, a sliced apple and a handful of grapes. She poured water over a teabag she’d dropped into a china mug and loaded everything onto a tray. She’d eat in bed and watch television.

She padded down the hall and back into her bedroom. Her sanctuary. It was done in warm beiges and browns and was soothing to her soul. She loved this room and had spent a lot of time selecting just the right colors and fabrics. She’d trained as a graphic designer and had spent her childhood scouring thrift shops for interesting fabric. The plan had been for her to eventually design her own fabric and wallpaper, maybe even furniture.

Audrey carefully placed the tray onto the bed, sat down beside it and ran her hand over the quilt. She’d found it at an estate sale more than a dozen years ago and had fallen in love with it immediately. The design was intricate—a starburst in the center with the rest of the design radiating from it in tones of yellow, orange and brown. She couldn’t begin to imagine the number of hours that had gone into making it.

“Where did all your dreams go?” She slapped a piece of sharp cheddar on top of a cracker and popped it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

She knew full well where her dreams had gone. Life had happened. Her mother had gotten ill and there were bills to be paid so she’d found an entry-level job at Claymore and Butler. Hard work and dedication had moved her up through the ranks until she’d reached the position she had today. When her mother had finally died and the bills were paid off she’d been so entrenched at her job it hadn’t even occurred to her she was free to pursue her passion.

Audrey reached for a piece of apple, enjoying the tart, fresh flavor as it exploded in her mouth. When was the last time she’d really tasted her food? Usually she ate takeout at her desk while guzzling coffee. That was no way to live.

She followed up with a grape. It was crisp and sweet. Exquisite.

Her mind wandered freely and she allowed it, not trying to rein it in as she usually did. Every time thoughts of Claymore and Butler entered, she let them go. It wasn’t easy and she was forced to admit she’d allowed her entire identity to become tied up in her job.

Where was the young girl with dreams and how had she become a tired thirty-three-year-old woman? Audrey slid off the bed and made her way to her walk-in closet. Originally, the apartment had contained two bedrooms, but she’d converted the tiny second room into a walk-in closet for her clothing and storage.

She went to the very end of the room and opened the folding door. The box was in here somewhere. She stared and caught sight of it up on the very top shelf near the back. She went up on her toes to reach it but could only touch the edge of the box.

“Damn.” She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment and then carefully stepped on the bottom shelf, praying it would hold her weight.

She stretched her arm out and her fingers found purchase on the side of the cardboard. She pulled. It was stuck. Not surprising. She hadn’t moved it in years. Not since she’d put it there. She hadn’t looked at the contents for even longer.

Her limbs were shaking and she was starting to sweat. It was probably smarter to go get a chair to stand on, but she was determined. She got a better grip and yanked. The box was stubborn at first and then suddenly gave way.

“Crap.” It slid toward her and off the shelf. Audrey clung to the rim of the shelf as the box tumbled down, hitting her shoulder before spilling to the floor. She carefully stepped down, rubbing her abused shoulder. Hopefully it wouldn’t leave a bruise.

The contents of the box were strewn at her feet. Yards of fabric, large and small, all found at yard sales, flea markets and thrift stores. She’d planned to make something out of this bounty years ago but never had. But she’d never been able to make herself part with it either. It was her connection to the past, the thread that bound her to the girl she’d once been.