Andrew Buckley - Stiltskin

He reached the bottom of the stairs that opened up into an antechamber. The little room contained nothing but a small table with a thick, black, leather-bound book and a writing quill. The wall directly facing the stairs didn’t have the same look as the rest of the tunnel. Rather than looking like the antechamber, which definitely looked as if it had been tunnelled out by ninety-two rabbits, the adjacent wall looked smooth, with a silvery quality to it so that when looked at from the right angle it seemed to shimmer slightly, and at a second glance, it just looked like a regular wall.

The Dwarf flipped open the leather-bound book and took up the quill. He jabbed the point of the quill into his hand, drawing blood, and then, with the utmost calligraphic skill, wrote his name in the book. The name faded away into the page as if it had never been written.

The shimmer in the wall rippled, giving it a liquid-like quality. Rumpelstiltskin licked his bleeding hand and cast off his disguise. He walked up to the wall and placed the palm of his hand up against it. There was a sucking sound, much like a five-year-old makes when he’s trying to get the last bit of milkshake through a straw. And with that, the Dwarf was sucked into the wall. For a while there was nothing but silence, but there then followed a screeching sound that only rabbits can make when they’re extremely excited or extremely distressed. The reason for the screeching in this instance was the latter.

Rupert was the name of the taxi driver who was haphazardly driving Lily and Robert in the general direction of the Royal Exchange building. The taxi smelled faintly of hotel soap which, as Rupert enjoyed explaining at length, was due to his hobby of collecting different kinds of soap that he stole from hotels around England. Rupert’s interjection was making normal conversation difficult but the day was hardly turning out normal.

“Back there at your apartment you seemed not to care what was going on. Doesn’t it bother you that there was a Dwarf in your bathtub? That a Fairy knocked you unconscious? Aren’t you even curious about where we’re going?” asked Lily impatiently.

“Of course I’m curious but weird things have always happened to me; I suppose they just don’t make the same impact that they used to,” explained Robert.

“You see, it’s not just the smell of the soap that’s appealing, there’s also texture, the amount of oil they contain, the class of hotel, there’s a lot of things to take into consideration,” explained Rupert.

“Look,” said Lily, “for argument’s sake can you at least appear to be concerned?”

“Fair enough. How about you start with telling me who you are?”

“No,” said Lily.

“Okay then, how about explaining what that Dwarf said about my father?”

“No.”

“How about you just tell me what you’d like me to ask you? It might speed up the conversation.”

“The funny thing about hotel soaps,” explained Rupert, “is that a lot of them are switching to that liquid stuff. I don’t stand for that kind of thing myself.”

Lily sighed. “You can ask me about the Agency.”

“All right, what’s this Agency all about?”

“The Agency was formed hundreds of years ago for the sole purpose of policing the border between Thiside and Othaside.”

Robert’s right eyebrow rose of its own accord. “This side of what?”

“What?”

“You said this side and the other side. What sides are we talking about?”

“Ya see,” carried on Rupert, “it’s a security measure so that people can’t steal the soap, no one wants to steal liquid soap. It really takes the fun out of it all.”

“There is no side, it’s the name of the realities,” explained Lily.

“So there are two realities?”

“Yes. Thiside and Othaside.”

“So this reality is Thiside?”

“Other way around, this is Othaside.”

“Of course nothing can beat those little seaside resorts up in Blackpool, they have custom made soaps in their very own little boxes.”

“Will you shut up!” said Lily. “We don’t care about your bloody soaps.”

“I was just trying to make polite conversation,” said Rupert.

“Well, make it with someone else. Look, Robert, it’s all very simple, I’m part of an Agency that makes sure no one from Othaside goes to Thiside and that the residents of Thiside don’t cause any trouble in Othaside.”

Robert stared at her blankly in much the same way that cats stare at pretty much everything. “What does any of this have to do with me?”

“I’ll leave that for Jack to explain; he’s going to meet us at the Exchange.”

“Okay, so what’s the Exchange all about?”

“We’re here,” said Rupert in a sulky voice.

“I’ll explain once we’re inside.”

“The Royal Exchange?” said Robert as they stepped out onto the soggy sidewalk. “What are we going to do, shop for shoes?”

“No, we’re here for blood.”

Lily led Robert down the right-hand side of the large building.

“What do you mean, blood?”

“The two realities have always been separate but thousands of years ago there were doors, like a hole in reality, and they were everywhere so residents of both sides could cross over whenever they liked. This caused more problems than you could ever imagine. Some people simply fell through the doors by accident, others abused the fact that they could skip between two worlds. It caused a great deal of chaos. Ever heard of the Dark Ages?”

“Of course.”

“That whole time period came about because of the doors. In the end, the Four Witches and the Wizards of Oz banded together to create a Regulator for the doors. One being who could control the passage of anyone between Thiside and Othaside. Now all the doors in Othaside are hidden unless you’re carrying a passport. The Wizards did that to protect your world. The central office for the Regulator was built into the basement of the exchange in 1844. Now if you want a passport to cross between the two worlds, this is where you come.”

“Did you just say the wizards of Oz?” asked Robert.

“Shush, we’re here,” said Lily.

Lily and Robert reached the doorway at the back of the Exchange and Lily knocked three times. The door swung open and the pair entered.

“It smells like rabbit droppings in here,” said Robert.

“They’re actually very clean creatures once you get to know them.”

They walked down the stairs into the antechamber. Lily took up the quill pen, jabbed herself in the back of her hand and scrawled her name in the leather-bound book. She held the quill out to Robert.

“Your turn.”

“My turn to what? I’m not jabbing myself with a pointy feather.”

“You need to sign your name so we can enter the Exchange.”

“I’m pretty sure I have a pen here somewhere.”

“Doesn’t work, the ledger needs your blood to let you through the wall.”

Robert started backing up against the wall as Lily advanced with the feather. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve told me, it’s all very interesting and practically believable, probably more so after a few drinks, but you know I just don’t think I’m cut out for all this. I like living on this side. I mean Othaside. Whatever the hell side this is. I’m happy with it.”

“Aren’t you curious?”

“You keep asking me that but you refuse to tell me anything!”