Andrew Buckley - Stiltskin

“Some say that the trees are angry,” said Gnick. “This entire valley was once forest but it was felled to make the farmlands for the three kingdoms. The copses that remain are in a constant state of aggravation at losing their tree brethren.”

Lily laughed. “What a load of crap.”

“Yeah but it adds to the effect,” said Gnick grinning.

Robert noticed something through the trees to the left and for a moment, thought he saw the lost kitten playing in the leaves. “Did you guys see th―?”

“Shh!” said General Gnarly and everyone came to an abrupt stop. “We’re being watched.”

“General, if this is more crap about angry trees―” said Lily.

“Shh!” he said. And then in direct paradox, he yelled “Come out, we know you’re there!”

“Look,” said Robert, “how do you know…”

Six men emerged from the trees not far in front of them. Four of them looked like they were made for hiding behind trees. They wore ragged looking, tree coloured clothing and their limbs were long and spindly. They wore large brimmed pointed hats and gave off a sense that everyone should probably just do what they say. In order to back up that particular sense, the fifth and sixth members of their group were extremely large and Robert wondered how they had missed them as hiding behind a tree would seem like a physical impossibility for them. They were tall and broad, wearing similar clothing as their companions, although somewhat tighter, with fists the size of a good ham shank and faces that looked like they were chiselled from granite.

One of the thin ones stepped forward, removed his hat to reveal a completely bald head, and bowed low. “Greetings, fellow travellers, it is a good day to walk the yellow road, a good day indeed.”

“It is that,” said General Gnarly.

“No argument here,” agreed Gnick.

“I wonder, might you move aside, as we still have a ways to go and as you mentioned, it is a good day to travel,” said Lily diplomatically.

“You should say something,” said the voice in Robert’s head.

“Hello,” said Robert.

“Bold and moving all at the same time,” said the voice with only a hint of sarcasm.

“Of course we’ll have you on your way in no time. Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Arollis. My three brothers here are Mikolin, Gaulo, and Jillik. Our two larger cousins are Gruntnard and Abbigail.”

Robert noted that Abbigail had started to drool.

“And in whose company do we find ourselves today?”

There was a pause while General Gnarly weighed up the six men.

“I’m General Gnarly of the Warrior Gnomes of the Grimm Mountains and this is my Lieutenant, Gnick. Lily here is an Agent assigned out of Oz and the moron on the end there is Robert.”

Robert barely even noticed the insult. He was watching Gruntnard and Abbigail as they appeared to be flexing their fists.

Unbeknownst to Robert and his companions, Abbigail had originally been named Bockrick but had voluntarily changed his name to prove a point. That point being that if one were big enough, mean enough, and had the ethical capacity to turn a grown man literally inside out, then it really didn’t matter what one was called.

“An Agent, well, well. And you, General, we’ve definitely heard of.”

“Aye,” agreed the General, “and I know of you as well. You’re the Bandits of the Old Forest.”

Arollis clapped his hands in delight. “I’m so happy that our reputation has spread so far.”

“It’s true,” agreed Lily, “we’ve heard reports of you as far as Oz.”

“Splendid,” said Arollis, “then we can dispense with any further pleasantries, I suppose. Normally I have to speak at length about what we do and why we’re here and so on. It actually gets boring after a while but being that you already know us, then you know what the next step is?”

“You’ll be expecting us to hand over all our belongings,” said General Gnarly with a bit of a grin that suggested he had no intention of handing anything to anyone.

“Gentleman,” began Lily, once again diplomatically, “I’m sure you understand the gravity of robbing an Agent, and as you have heard of General Gnarly, then I assume you also know that he is actually quite dangerous. I’m willing to overlook this interruption in our journey if you’ll just step aside and we’ll pretend that none of this ever happened.”

The skinny bandits laughed in a way that Robert found condescending. His impression of Agents was that they were feared but disliked, sort of like a fairy tale Gestapo. But any authority that instilled even a small amount of fear usually garnered at least some respect.

“Well, I see that this conversation has gone quite as far as it can,” said Arollis.

“Oh dear,” said the voice.

“What?” said Robert.

“What do you mean, ‘what’?” asked Arollis.

“There’s going to be a fight,” said the voice.

“Surely not,” said Robert.

“Surely not what?” said Arollis, who was clearly getting thrown off his game. He was used to a standard order of things. His family would fall upon travellers, Arollis would act as the spokesman, always the gentleman, and then they’d rob the travellers of everything. If they resisted in the slightest the bandits would beat the travellers within an inch of their lives. Sometimes less than an inch.

“You should apologize,” suggested the voice.

“Will you please shut up!” said Robert.

“All right I think I’ve had quite enough,” said Arollis, losing his temper.

“Sorry,” said Robert, “got lost in my own mind, carry on.”

Lily and the Gnomes were staring at him. General Gnarly had a glint of realization somewhere behind those old eyes.

Lily tried diplomacy one more time. “Arollis, you have a lovely family and I’d hate to see anyone get hurt here today. We’ve never met before and I keep the knowledge of my existence to a minimum and even then only among those I trust. I can however assure you that if you continue along this particular path of trying to rob us that it will end badly for you and your kin.”

The bandits laughed again. Even Abbigail let out a giggle. It sounded a lot like someone chewing on rocks, but still, a giggle, nevertheless.

“Gruntnard, please take care of the one they refer to as the moron ; Abbigail, please take care of our friendly Agent, and brothers, we will take care of our two small problems.”

Abbigail moved with surprising speed to grab Lily but was met with a very diplomatic kick to the testicles that caused him to literally rise off the ground a few inches. Lily grabbed a handful of the large man’s shirt and heaved him backwards over her head into a tree, causing a cracking sound that could have been the tree trunk or possibly the permanent realignment of Abbigail’s spine.

The four brothers dived for the Gnomes, who were now brandishing shiny, sharp weapons, and Lily moved to help them.

Robert was left facing Gruntnard who, after seeing his own brother thrown aside by a small female, was proceeding with caution. Gruntnard wasn’t known for his thinking skills. There was a very good chance he couldn’t spell skills . He was more known for his ability to snap bones and cause internal bleeding. Normally, he would have lunged at Robert, who would quickly be rendered unconscious and then relieved of all his worldly possessions.

“Uh,” said Gruntnard.

“Don’t be rude,” said the voice in Robert’s head, “say something.”

“Please don’t hurt me,” said Robert meekly.

“No, be more confident,” demanded the voice.

“I mean, don’t even think about hurting me, or, ehh…”

“Or else,” suggested the voice.