Terry Pratchett - The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

There was a clonk under the floor, part of it swung back, and Keith dropped out of sight.

“Oh, yes,” said Malicia. “I thought something like that would probably happen…”

Mr Clicky bumped along the tunnel, making a whirring noise.

Young rats had chewed his ears, and his string tail had been chopped off by a trap, and other traps had dented his body, but he had this advantage: surprise traps couldn't kill Mr Clicky because he wasn't alive, and he wasn't alive because he was powered by clockwork.

His key whirred around. A stub of candle burned on his back. The rest of the No. 1 trap squad watched.

“Any minute now…” said Darktan.

There was a snap, and a sound best described as gloink! The light went out. Then a gear wheel rolled slowly back down the tunnel and fell over in front of Hamnpork.

“I thought the soil looked a bit disturbed there,” said Darktan in a satisfied voice. He turned around. “OK, lads! Break out the other Mr Clicky, and I want half a dozen of you with a rope to dig out that trap and drag it out of the way!”

“All this testing the ground is slowing us down, Darktan,” said Hamnpork.

“Fine, sir,” said Darktan, as the squad hurried past them. “ You go on ahead. That'd be a good idea, because we've only got one Mr Clicky left. I hope this town's got a pet shop.” 4

“I just think we should move faster,” said Hamnpork.

“OK, off you go then, sir . Try to shout out where the next trap is before it gets you,”

“I am the leader, Darktan.”

“Yes, sir, I'm sorry. We're all getting a bit tired.”

“This is not a good place, Darktan,” said Hamnpork wearily. “I've been in some bad rprptlt holes, and this is worse than any of them.”

“That's true, sir. This place is dead .”

“What's that word Dangerous Beans invented?”

“Evil,” said Darktan, watching the squad drag the trap out of the walls of the tunnel. He could see mangled springs and wheels in the jaws. He added, “I couldn't quite understand what he was going on about, at the time. But now I think I can see what he meant.”

He looked back along the tunnel to where a candle flame burned, and grabbed a passing rat. “Peaches and Dangerous Beans are to stay right back, understand?” he said. “They're not to come any further.”

“Right, sir!” said the rat, and hurried away.

The expedition moved forward, cautiously, as the runnel opened up into a large, old drain. It had a trickle of water in the bottom. There were ancient pipes in the roof of it. Here and there steam hissed from them. Weak green light came from a street grating, further down the drain.

The place smelled of rats. It smelled freshly of rats. In fact there was a rat in there, nibbling at a tray of food that had been set on a crumbling brick. It glanced at the Changelings and fled.

“Get after it!” Hamnpork yelled.

“No!” shouted Darktan. A couple of rats, who'd begun to chase the keekee hesitated.

“That was an order I gave!” roared Hamnpork, turning on Darktan. The trap expert made a very brief crouch and said, “Of course. But I think the view of Hamnpork in possession of all the facts will be a little different than the view of Hamnpork who just shouted because he saw a rat run away, hmm? Sniff the air!”

Hamnpork's nose wrinkled. “Poison?”

Darktan nodded. “Grey No. 2,” he said. “Foul stuff. It's best to keep well away.”

Hamnpork looked both ways along the pipe. It went on for a long way, and was just about high enough for a human to crawl along it. Lots of smaller pipes hung near the ceiling. “It's warm here,” he said.

“Yes, sir. Peaches has been reading the guide-book. Hot springs of water come up out of the ground here and they pump it around to some of the houses.”

“Why?”

“To bath in, sir.”

“Hrumph.” Hamnpork didn't like that idea. A lot of the young rats were keen on taking baths.

Darktan turned to the squad. “Hamnpork wants that poison buried and widdled on and a marker on it right now! ”

Hamnpork heard a metallic sound beside him. He turned and saw that Darktan had drawn, from his web of tools, a long thin piece of metal. “What the krckrck is that?” he said.

Darktan swished the thing backwards and forwards. “I got the stupid-looking kid to make this for me,” he said.

And then Hamnpork realized what it was. “That's a sword ,” he said. “You got the idea out of “Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure” !”

“That's right.”

“I've never believed that stuff,” Hamnpork grumbled.

“But a spike is a spike,” said Darktan, calmly. “I think we're close to the other rats. It'd be a good idea if most of us stay here… sir.” Hamnpork felt he was being given orders again, but Darktan was being polite. “I suggest that a few of us go on ahead to sniff them out,” Darktan went on. “Sardines would be useful, and I'll go, of course”

“And me,” said Hamnpork.

He glared at Darktan, who said, “Of course.”

Malicia looked at the open trapdoor as if giving it marks out of ten.

“Quite well hidden,” she said. “No wonder we didn't see it.”

“I'm not hurt much,” Keith called up from the darkness.

“Good,” said Malicia, still inspecting the trapdoor. “How far down are you?”

“It's some sort of cellar. I'm OK because I landed on some sacks,”

“All right, all right, no need to go on about it, this wouldn't be an adventure if there weren't some minor hazards,” said the girl. “Here's the top of a ladder. Why didn't you use it?”

“I was unable to on account of falling past,” said the voice of Keith.

“Shall I carry you down?” Malicia said to Maurice.

“Shall I scratch your eyes out?” Maurice responded.

Malicia's brow wrinkled. She always looked annoyed when she didn't understand something. “Was that sarcasm?” she said.

“That was a suggestion,” said Maurice. “I don't do ‘picking up’ by strangers. You go down. I'll follow.”

“But you haven't got the legs for ladders!”

“Do I make personal remarks about your legs?”

Malicia descended into the dark. There was a metallic noise, and then the flare of a match. “It's full of sacks!” she said.

“I know,” came the voice of Keith. “I landed on them. I did say.”

“It's grain! And… and there's strings and strings of sausages! There's smoked meat! Bins of vegetables! It's full of food! Aargh! Get out of my hair! Get off! That cat just jumped onto my head!”

Maurice leapt off her and onto some sacks.

“Hah!” said Malicia, rubbing her head. “We were told that the rats had got it all. I see it all now. The rat-catchers get everywhere, they know all the sewers, all the cellars… and to think those thieves get paid out of our taxes!”

Maurice looked around the cellar, lit by the flickering lantern in Malicia's hand. There was, indeed, a lot of food. Nets hanging from the ceiling were indeed stuffed with big, white, heavy cabbages. The aforesaid sausages did indeed loop from beam to beam. There were indeed jars and barrels and sacks and sacks. And, indeed, they all worried him.

“That's it, then,” said Malicia. “What a hiding place! We're going to go right away to the town Watch, report what we've found, and then it's a big cream tea for all of us and possibly a medal and then—”