L. Modesitt - Natural Ordermage

“Yes. My eyes burn, but I can see you.”

“And you can hear?”

“Yes.”

“Can you feel your fingers and toes?”

“They hurt, but I can feel them.”

“Wiggle them.”

Rahl did.

“Now move your arms and legs, just a little, and gently.”

Rahl could sense a reassuring aura of black order from the healer as she probed his body. Then she straightened. “I think he’ll be all right, but we ought to watch him at the infirmary for a while.”

“Do we need to get a cart for him?” asked Zastryl.

“Just let him rest for a while, and I’ll be able to walk him over there. I think he should be fine in a day or so, but I’ll have Deybri look at him to make sure.” Kelyssa turned back to Rahl. “I’m going to help you sit up.”

Gingerly, Rahl rolled to one side, then sat up on the hard stone. At that point, he realized that the coverall had been stripped from him. He glanced around and saw the padded armor lying in a heap several cubits away.

“They thought you’d had a heat bout,” said the healer.

After a short while, Rahl finally got to his feet. Kelyssa insisted that he take her arm as they walked from the weapons-training building toward the infirmary. Each step hurt, and Rahl felt as though he’d been beaten with a staff. Yet he hadn’t taken a single blow from Aleasya.

Once he was in the infirmary, Kelyssa had him sit in a padded chair and sip ale. The ale helped with the light-headedness, but not with soreness. While the throbbing in his head subsided, it did not vanish so much as retreat into a muted dull pounding.

He had just about finished the beaker of ale when Deybri appeared.

She glared at him. “That was even stupider than taking on the black wall. You could have killed yourself, you know?”

Rahl just looked at her. From shielding himself from chaos?

“I went and talked to Zastryl and Aleasya first. You have to have blocked yourself.”

“I just shielded myself from the chaos in the falchiona,” Rahl protested.

“Weren’t you told not to use active order?”

“But shields aren’t active…”

She shook her head. “Didn’t Kadara and Leyla keep warning you about the dangers of trying things when you don’t have an understanding of how it works and why? You couldn’t block chaos from the blade. There wasn’t any actual chaos in the blade. That’s the way your mind interprets the potential chaos of using a blade and the disorder that use causes. Your shield was actually fighting yourself, as well as whoever you were sparring against.”

“Aleasya,” Rahl admitted.

“Why did you do it?”

“Because it hurt to use the blade and fight the chaos-or what I thought was chaos-and I wasn’t learning and being very good at it.”

The healer snorted. “You’re an ordermage. You’re not supposed to be that good. They just want you to be able to put up enough of a front with a blade so that you can buy time to use order. You’re supposed to learn how to handle it with the pain. Didn’t they tell you that?”

“Not exactly. Magister Zastryl said that it would be painful and that I might have to use them…” His words trailed off.

“For what?”

“To keep people off me for a short time,” Rahl admitted. Still, Zastryl hadn’t been anywhere near as clear as Deybri had been. He hadn’t told Rahl that one of the points of the exercise was to deal with the pain. Why couldn’t people be clear? He was having a hard enough time learning what he had to learn without trying to figure out what they really meant. He was more than a little tired of guessing.

Deybri shook her head. “You’ll be all right. Go over to the mess and eat-as much as you can without getting sick. Then take it easy and get a good night’s sleep. No sparring against anyone for two days. When you resume, don’t do what you just did-even if it hurts like the demon’s whiteness. You might not recover a second time.”

That worried Rahl more than anything she’d said. But, even with the worry, he was also getting angry again because he wouldn’t have gotten so close to killing himself if he hadn’t been getting incomplete answers or nonexistent answers to his questions. The magisters and magistras acted as if everything were spelled out in The Basis of Order, and whenever he tried to get an answer, he was either chastised or told to find it out himself…and then, when he had attempted to discover something on his own, they’d declared him a danger to all Nylan.

“Rahl…that’s life.”

“What?”

“You’re getting angry again because things haven’t been explained to your satisfaction. Do you think that people are going to explain everything that seems evident to them just to make you comfortable? You have the ability to think. Your problem is that, because certain skills come to you easily, you just use them without thinking about them or what they might do to you or to others.”

“Wait a moment,” he replied. “Let me put it a different way. You and all the others here are perfectly willing to explain things endlessly to those who have few abilities and take a long time to learn things. Yet you’re not willing to make a similar effort in explaining the implications of what I can do. Just because I’m able to do things, everyone seems to think that I should know what happens next.”

“That attitude is exactly why you’re being exiled,” Deybri said calmly, almost sadly. “You have enough order-talent that most ordermages would give an arm or a leg for that ability. They’ve worked for years to master and understand what they do. You can do things easily and with minimal effort, and then you complain and get angry when the magisters expect you to spend some time and effort thinking before you act. And this is another time when you got into trouble doing what you were told not to do. No…I won’t say much about it, and I will say, if asked, that you honestly didn’t understand that shields were active order-magery. It’s also the last time I’ll help you if you use one single bit of active ordermagery.” A faint, almost rueful smile appeared. “Now…go get something to eat.”

Rahl set the not-quite-finished beaker of ale on the side table and rose from the chair. “Thank you.”

As he left, he was still angry, if not at Deybri. At least she offered some explanations.

On fiveday morning, Rahl found himself in the small study again, wondering if he was being sent off as a result of his problems with the falchiona, or if he’d made some other mistake. Tamryn sat across the table from Rahl.

“Yes, ser?” asked Rahl politely.

“I understand you had a little trouble the other day. This isn’t about that. This is about your assignment in Swartheld…”

Exile merely an assignment? Rahl had his doubts about that.

“You’ll be leaving in about an eightday,” Tamryn went on. “Until then, you’ll be working every afternoon at the Merchant Association building down in the harbor. You’ll wear the standard clerk’s attire. We’ll take a moment for you to pick that up at the wardrobing building-and a pack for your clothing and gear. From now on, you’ll wear the clerk’s garb from breakfast until you’re dismissed by Ser Varselt. He’s the managing director in Nylan.”

“Yes, ser.”

“And Aleasya and Magister Zastryl have agreed to spend a session with you every evening after meals. They did mention something about not cheating on pain.” Tamryn smiled. “There’s a price for everything, Rahl, and it’s either paid fairly when due or with interest and penalties later.”

Tamryn made it sound like order-skills were trade goods subject to usury.

“Now…head over to wardrobing. Elina’s already got your garb ready for you. Wear it while you’re with Magister Thorl as well. The association of Hamorian with the garb will help when you get to Swartheld.”