Steven Brust: Hawk

I was, somehow, on my knees, and black splotches were forming in front of my eyes. I found the spot with the fingers of my left hand. My left hand was still holding the knife, so I gave myself a shallow cut on the right side of my neck, just so I’d be able to feel stupid later when I realized it. My fingers searched my neck. Take your time. Breathe! There’s the throat-knob, now down- Need need need to breathe!

I slid the point in. It hurt. Harder than sliding the knife in, though, was not sliding it in too far; you don’t have much leeway in there before going all the way through the windpipe, or even nailing an artery, and if I did that I’d see a red spray through the black splotches, and then nothing, ever. Worse (though I didn’t give it any thought at the time) was that, while I had made a very careful and thorough study of Dragaeran anatomy, I hadn’t ever bothered to find out the differences between Dragaeran and human. But, like I said, I didn’t think about that as I was doing it; this was just not the moment to consider that, and, as the man said, there was no time to learn it now.

But here I am talking to you, so I must have managed it.

I held the knife where it was, sticking out of my throat, then I twisted it a little to open a gap for air. That really hurt. I leaned forward so the blood would flow out that way instead of going down my throat and making me cough.

And I inhaled.

Let me summarize: It was absolutely no fun at all.

And yet, I’ll tell you, that first rush of air felt so good, I wondered why I had never thought of doing this before.

Then I almost fell on my face, but with the knife still stuck in my throat holding my windpipe open, that would have been a tactical error. I reminded myself that, if I didn’t do something fast, I’d just bleed to death, and having gone through all the work of cutting my own throat only to have it prove useless would be more annoyance than I could stand. Of course, if the other assassin was still lurking nearby, and he managed to find me, the whole thing was moot. And I couldn’t see how he wouldn’t.

But you deal with one problem at a time.

“Boss!”

I couldn’t concentrate enough to make a coherent reply. My right arm wasn’t working, and my left was weak, and getting weaker. I knew I’d been badly stabbed in the side; I couldn’t tell exactly where, which was almost certainly a bad sign. But I became aware, then, of Lady Teldra; maybe six feet away. I went toward her, trying to move the knife as little as possible while walking on my knees, until, just short of where I needed to be, my knees refused to work any more and the world started spinning. I became aware that I was on my side and I made sure I hunched over so the blood wouldn’t go down my throat and pushed myself with my feet and rolled over on my back on top of her and then blood did go down my throat and coughing was maybe the worst thing ever, except I don’t remember much of it. I knew, as the world collapsed into a contracting tunnel of light, that she could heal me. I knew because she’d done so before; but then I’d been holding her in my hand. I wondered if she could do that while I was just sort of lying on top of her.

Interesting question, I decided.

The tunnel collapsed.

There’s a long time in there where I don’t know what happened, but I figured that either the other assassin didn’t manage to find me, or, more likely, didn’t know how helpless I was and decided he didn’t want to take on me and Lady Teldra by himself.

The other possibility, that he was going for help, didn’t cross my mind.

I know I dropped the knife I was holding, but Lady Teldra must have healed me fast enough to keep me breathing. At some point, I realized I was staring up at an empty sky, and I became aware that Loiosh and Rocza were next to me. I felt a little ill, and I knew that if I tried to stand I’d get sick, so I lay there. This stuff is hard to reconstruct after the fact.

“Boss?”

“I think we’re-” I had a moment of panic thinking of Lady Teldra, but then I connected her with the profoundly uncomfortable lump digging into my back. I rolled over. My right arm was working, so I took her into my hand. She felt warm, and almost seemed to be vibrating, though none of my senses were very reliable at that moment.

“I think we’re okay,” I said, and closed my eyes.

A little later I became aware that I was shivering.

“Am I bleeding?”

“I don’t think so.”

My left hand was working, so I reached up and felt my throat. It hurt, but my fingers came away dry. I wondered if I could do something strenuous like, I don’t know, sit up. I tried. The world spun but settled down after a while.

From time to time, Loiosh or Rocza would take off, fly around for a bit, then land again; the other would stay near me like I was a nest full of eggs.

“I think we can conclude they’re gone,” I said.

“Good call, Boss. What happened?”

I tried to get to my feet, made it as far as my knees. I sheathed Lady Teldra, then used both hands to stand up. A few feet away was the body of someone who had almost been good enough. Almost will kill you. I put him out of my mind as I tried to walk. I wobbled for a bit, and the world spun; but after a minute it seemed like I might be able to move. I tried a step. It worked. I tried another.

“Boss?”

“Just let me concentrate on walking for a bit.”

In a few more steps, I was doing all right-if I’d been seventy years old and had let myself go. But I moved. I worked my way back to the place in the park where I’d started, where I had a good view in all directions. It was dark, but lights from the City worked with the enclouding to provide a bit of illumination.

I stopped there, breathing heavily, and tried to figure out my next move.

I said, “I don’t know how they found me, but-”

“Boss, are you all right?”

“I’m fine. A bit dicey there for a minute, but it’s the first attempt I’m worried about.”

“The first attempt? How many were there?”

“Just two, I think. But-”

“You think?”

“I’m pretty sure. But- ”

“Pretty sure? You’re pretty sure how many times-”

“Loiosh, be quiet for a minute. I’m trying to tell you something. It’s the first attack I’m worried about. I mean the second. The first one here, in the park.”

“Oh, well that’s good. I’m glad you weren’t worried about the one where you had to cut your own throat. No reason that should worry-”

“You were the target, not me.”

There was a significant pause, then, “Oh,” he said.

“I should have been expecting this. It’s the obvious way to weaken me. And with the second attempt, the guy went for my sword arm. His whole plan was to make me drop Lady Teldra. They know enough about me to be very dangerous.”

“We’ll have to be more careful,” he said.

“I need to find a place to hide, to hole up for a few days while I recover.”

“But if they can find you-”

“Yeah. Need to figure out how they did that.”

“Maybe figure it out before we go into a confined space without much visibility?”

“Right. Good plan.”

“So-”

“Shut up. I’m thinking.”

“It’s good to see you’re open to new experiences,” he said.

I ignored him and, standing in the park on a chilly night, weak, trembling, and distracted, I tried to work things out.