Lynn Flewelling - The Oracle's Queen

“No. I just thought it might ease your heart a little, to know the truth.”

Tamír sank down on the bed with a groan and rested her face in her hands. “I’m no good at this, being a girl.”

“Of course you are. You’re just not used to it yet. Once you marry and start having children—”

“Children? Bilairy’s balls!” Tamír tried to imagine herself with a big belly and cringed.

Una laughed. “A queen doesn’t just fight wars and give speeches. You’ll need an heir or two.” She paused. “You do know about how—”

“Good night, Una!” Tamír said firmly, cheeks aflame again.

Una laughed softly. “Good night.”

Tamír would almost have welcomed a visit from Brother just then. Better that than sitting here alone with such thoughts. Sending Baldus to his pallet, she changed into her dressing gown and settled by the fire with a mazer of wine.

Of course a queen must have children. If she died without issue, the land would be torn by chaos as rival factions strove to establish a new line of succession. All the same, when she tried to imagine coupling with Ki—or anyone for that matter—it made her feel very strange.

Of course she knew how sex went. And it had been Ki who’d first explained it to her, that day in the meadow with his forked stick people and blunt, country language. She wanted to laugh at the irony now.

She finished off the wine and felt the warmth of it spread. That, and the sound of the waves below her window lulled her, and she let her mind drift. As she began to doze, something Lhel had once told her came back. She’d spoken of a special power in a woman’s body, in the ebb and flow of blood that followed the moon.

Tamír had started bleeding again yesterday and spent a good deal of time since cursing the inescapable tyranny of rags and blood and the random pains that cramped her belly. It was one more cruel joke of fate, like having to squat to piss. But Una’s offhand words held truth. There was a purpose behind it all.

The thought of a great round belly pushing out the front of her tunic was still disturbing, nonetheless.

Baldus stirred on his bed, whimpering softly in his sleep. She went and drew the blanket up around the boy’s shoulders, then stood gazing down at his sleeping face, so soft and innocent in sleep. What must it be like, she wondered, to look at a child of your own? Would it have her blue eyes?

Or brown?

“Damnation!” she muttered, going for more wine.

Ki’s borrowed horse shied as a gust of damp breeze scooped a cloud of acrid smoke up from a blackened foundation just inside the remains of the north gate. Beside him, Lynx tightened the reins of his own mount, nervously scanning the dark square they were presently patrolling.

“Easy, there.” Ki rubbed his horse’s neck to calm him, then adjusted the vinegar-soaked cloth tied over his mouth and nose. Everyone who ventured into the ruins had to wear them, to fend off disease. Ki knew he was taking a pointless risk, coming here. He claimed to be helping hunt down looters, and he’d killed a few, but in truth, he was drawn back time and again, looking for familiar places. When he came upon them, though—inns, theaters, and taverns they’d frequented with Korin—it only made the ache in his heart worse.

The smell of vinegar was rank, but better than the reek that still lurked in the streets and alleys. Foul humors and the stench of rotting flesh and burnt buildings mingled with the night mists in a cloying miasma.

They rode for nearly an hour without meeting another living person. Lynx kept his sword drawn, and above his mask his eyes darted ceaselessly, scanning for danger.

There were still too many corpses lying about. The few Scavengers left were kept busy day and night, carting away the now-putrid bodies to the burning grounds. They were bloated and black, and many had been cruelly torn up by hungry dogs, pigs, or ravens. Ki’s horse shied again as a huge rat darted across a nearby alley with what looked like a child’s hand in its mouth.

The fires had burned fiercely, and even after almost two weeks, smoldering pockets of coals remained beneath the ruins, deadly traps for looters or unlucky householders seeking to salvage what they could. Up on the Palatine, broken black stonework loomed against the stars, marking where the great palaces and fine houses had once stood. It was a lonely place, but it suited Ki’s mood these past weeks.

“We should head back,” Lynx murmured at last, plucking at the rag across his face. “I don’t know why you keep coming here. It’s depressing.”

“Go on back. I didn’t ask you to come.” Ki nudged his horse into a walk.

Lynx followed. “You haven’t slept in days, Ki.”

“I sleep.”

He looked around and realized they’d come out in the theater ward. The once-familiar neighborhood looked like the landscape of a bad dream. Ki felt as much a ghost here as Brother himself. But better this than tossing on that lonely cot , he thought bitterly.

It was easier during the day. Tamír still resisted wearing women’s garb much of the time, and there were moments when Ki could pretend to see Tobin. When he let himself sleep, he dreamed of Tobin’s sad eyes lost in a stranger’s face.

So instead, he settled for stolen naps and rode down his dreams here at night. Lynx had taken to coming with him uninvited. He didn’t know if Tamír had sent him to keep an eye on him, or if he’d simply taken it upon himself to keep watch over him. Maybe it was habit, from his days as a squire. Whatever the case, Ki hadn’t been able to shake him off these past few nights. Not that Lynx wasn’t a decent companion. He said little and left Ki to the dark thoughts that continued to plague him, no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay.

How could I not have known, all those years? How could Tobin have kept such a secret from me?

Those two questions still burned at the edges of his soul, though it would have shamed him to voice them. It was Tobin who’d suffered the most. She’d carried the burden of that secret alone, to protect them all. Arkoniel had made that very clear.

Everyone else, even Tharin, had accepted it readily enough. Only Lynx seemed to understand. Ki saw it there now as he glanced over at his silent friend. In a way, they’d both lost their lords.

Tamír was still awake when Ki stole in. He thought she was asleep, and she stayed quiet under the quilts, studying his face in the faint light of the night lamp as he crossed to the dressing room. He looked tired, and sad in a way that she never saw during the day. She was tempted to call out to him, invite him into the too-big bed. It wasn’t right that Ki should suffer for his constancy. But before she could gather her courage, or master her discomfort over the wet rag tied between her thighs, he was already gone. She heard the sound of him undressing, and the creak of bed ropes.

She turned over and watched the way the light of his candle made the shadows in the doorway dance. She wondered if he was lying there, sleepless as she was, watching them, too?

The next morning she watched Ki yawn over his breakfast, looking uncommonly pale and tired. When the meal was finished she gathered her courage and drew him aside.

“Would you rather I had Una take your place at night?” she asked.

Ki looked genuinely surprised. “No, of course not!”

“But you’re not sleeping! You won’t be much good to me exhausted. What’s wrong?”

He just shrugged and gave her a smile. “Uneasy dreams. I’ll be happier when you’re settled at Atyion, that’s all.”

“Are you sure?”

She waited, giving him the chance to say more. She wished with all her heart that he would, even if she didn’t want to hear what he might say, but he just smiled and clapped her on the shoulder and they both left their true thoughts unsaid.