Piers Torday - The Last Wild

*Proceed with great caution,* whispers the General from my pocket.

The engine switches off. One of the panels slides open.

There’s no one inside, just shadows –

Then a pair of metal poles swings out, with a click, on to the paving stones.

Crutches.

Two human legs swing out behind the metal legs. They belong to a tall man wearing a suit and tie under a long brown coat. It is hard to say what he looks like, only that he is white and pale, like he has never seen the sun. The only colour on his face is from his lips, which are pink and blubbery.

The man looks at us and winks.

Then with lightning speed he hops across the flagstones towards us on his crutches. He stops at the bottom of the steps, but doesn’t look at all tired, resting now on all four of his feet.

‘Hello, childrens,’ says the man. His voice sounds foreign, but I can’t work out where from. It sounds like lots of different accents all at once. ‘It looks like it might rain today, yes?’

I really hope not.

He swings his left crutch up towards the clouds. With a hydraulic hiss and the sound of a flag unfurling, a black umbrella squeezes out of the tip and explodes into the sky. The man holds the umbrella over our heads, which he finds really funny for some reason. ‘We don’t want you to get wetted now!’

Polly and I just look up at the umbrella that came out of the crutch, and she holds on to my arm.

‘So childrens, hello. My name is Captain Skuldiss,’ says the crutch-man. ‘Hello, girl-childrens!’ he continues, waggling the tip of his other crutch at Polly, which she shakes as if it was a weird robotic hand.

‘Hello,’ she says in a very low voice.

‘Hello, boy-childrens,’ Captain Skuldiss says, thrusting the pole at me.

I don’t take it.

Ignoring me, he carries on. ‘So, what are you two young childrens doing outside, in the good old Quarantine Zone? Don’t answer yet — plenty of time for answers.’ Captain Skuldiss looks up at the house behind us, his milky eyes scanning the dark windows and roofs.

‘But first let me tell you what Captain Skuldiss is doing, driving round in my special vans. I’m driving round and round this beautiful country, round and round the whole thing, up and down, all over the bloody place — and do you know what I’m looking for?’

He winks at us again and waves the other crutch in the air with excitement. ‘I am looking for some animals, childrens. Nasty diseased old animals. You haven’t seen any sick old animals, have you, childrens?’

We both shake our heads, perhaps too quickly.

*Whatever you do, Sidney, don’t move,* I say without taking my eyes off the crutch.

Captain Skuldiss purses his lips. ‘I see. My big sorry — I should have explained in full, told you the whole caboodle and all, my dear kiddiewinks. What is happening is this: the Factorium — this Mr Selwyn Stone — he comes to me, and he says, — “Hey, Captain Skuldiss. Whatever you are doing now, stop it, and stop it straightaway.”’

‘What were you doing?’ asks Polly.

Captain Skuldiss gives her a sharp look.

‘Oh, never mind, little girls! It was just some soldier’s work far away in the jungle. Some work to talk about another day, which gave me these old things for the rest of my life.’ He picks at the frayed leather straps wound tight round the handles of his crutches. ‘Let us just say I have the very good personal reasons for not liking animals, especially big ones with even bigger toothie-pegs.’

The Captain is lost in his thoughts for a moment, and then clicks his fingers, as if to wake himself up. ‘So, where was I? Of course! Stone! He says, “Captain Skuldiss, we are very worried about this red-eye virus. It has killed so many animals, yes, so cruel and sad.” And I say, “But this is a good thing, is it not?”’ Skuldiss jabs his finger in the air. ‘And he says, “No! That is precisely where you are wrong, my dear Captain Skuldiss.”’ He leans in so close we can see the veins in his eyes. ‘“We are very worried, yes, most worried indeed, that this horrible plague —”’ he beats his heart with his fist and pulls a sad face — ‘“that has killed so many fluffy woodland whatsits, will now kill the numero uno animal on this good planet. Mens!”’ He shakes his head slowly from side to side at the thought.

‘“Very good,” says I. “Anything Captain Skuldiss can do to help his own race of mens.” So I say, “What would you like me to do with these animals and their nasty mutating virus?”’

He whacks the front step again, harder this time. I swear I hear something crack, and I don’t think it was the crutch.

‘“Why, Captain Skuldiss — what do you think? Why have I asked a top soldier type like yourself to help us? We expect you to exterminate them, please. Please, exterminate these leftover animals. Exterminate them all as you might a little bug!”’ He grinds the crutch tip down where he just cracked the step, as if squashing an imaginary bug.

*What is the enemy intruder doing, soldier?* whispers the General from my pocket.

*Nothing,* I say.

For some reason, doing this to the imaginary bug makes Captain Skuldiss laugh, a tee-hee kind of laugh. And then he waits for us to speak.

‘We haven’t seen any animals,’ says Polly eventually. She tries to take a step back, to push Sidney away towards the house and the still-open door.

Captain Skuldiss nods.

He points at me with his crutch. ‘How about you, boy-childrens? A catty got your tongue, has it?’

Does he know? Polly and I swap glances, super-fast.

*I hope you’re not expecting me to run anywhere or move quickly,* says Sidney from her hiding place behind us. *Because that is absolutely not going to happen.*

‘You know, boy-childrens, I’m looking at you and I’ll tell you for why.’ Skuldiss runs the cold tip of his crutch all over me, from the top of my head down to my toes. I shiver. ‘And I’m wondering — this boy-childrens, why is he all covered in mud from head to toe?’

We just stare at him. Polly has gone as mute as me.

‘Covered in mud like a dirty animals.’ He leans forward and sniffs me up and down, big long sniffs over my hair and neck. ‘Yes, he even smells like a dirty animals. So — I ask you again, childrens, have you seen any dirty diseased beasties?’

Out the corner of my eye I catch Sidney trying to peer between our legs.

*Sidney! Don’t move!*

Skuldiss prods my shin with the crutch. ‘So come on. Captain Skuldiss hasn’t got all day. Answer me, please.’

Then, without warning, he raps me hard across my shins with his crutch. I want to rub it, but if I bend over, he’ll see Sidney.

‘He can’t talk, you stupid man!’ says Polly.

‘Oh?’ says Captain Skuldiss, something nasty creeping into his voice. His neck tenses and his eyes roll up to the sky. ‘Stupid, am I?’ He takes aim with the crutch at my shins again, and whacks them — hard this time.

I open my mouth to scream, and nothing comes out. Doubled up with pain, I leave Sidney fully exposed behind us on the steps. She gives a squeaky yowl before darting towards the door — but it’s too late. The umbrella vanishes back into the crutch with a flick of the Captain’s finger, and in less than a second, the end has extended — like a telescope — and pinned down Sidney’s tail under a clawed tip. She squeals in pain.

Polly gabbles — ‘She isn’t ill! She hasn’t got the virus! We followed all the instructions —’

‘Oh yes?’ says Captain Skuldiss. ‘Then why is she shivering?’ He turns again to me, his face going darker all the time. He presses the crutch harder on the cat’s tail. ‘Then why does she have red eyes ?’