Warren Murphy - Last Rites

Wrinkling up his nose, Chiun took the girdle in two fingers. "It smells."

"It's the girdle of the amazon queen, Roxanne. Address any complaints to her."

"She fought desperately to retain it?"

"Tooth and nail."

"And you vanquished her?"

"She was begging for mercy when I left."

"You have done well," said Chiun, holding the girdle this way and that.

"What are you going to do with that?"

"The girdle of the amazons is supposed to confer great strength upon the wearer."

"I'm not wearing that."

"You have not the chest for it," sniffed Chiun, tossing the garment into the nearest trash receptacle. "Hey! Do you know what I went through to get that?"

"It does not matter. You have completed another labor. That is all that matters."

As they walked back to their hotel, the Master of Sinanju began to yawn broadly.

Remo caught himself yawning, too.

"You are sleepy?" Chiun inquired. "No. I'm yawning because you are."

"You look sleepy."

"Okay, I'm sleepy. But I'm not sleeping until we get the rite finished."

"You must sleep to conserve your strength for the ordeal ahead," Chiun stated.

"I've been sleeping more than I've been waking lately."

"Your body craves sleep. We will find a suitable hotel."

AT THE BEVERLY GARLAND hotel, Remo was looking out the window. The San Gabriel Mountains hovered in the near distance. He could see the top of the Omniversal Towers. There was a billboard there. He hadn't noticed it before.

It was another advertisement for The Return of Muck Man.

"Every time I see that Muck Man billboard I feel like it's staring at me," Remo said.

"I have told you, it is your father."

"Har-de-har-har-har," said Remo.

"He does have your eyes."

Remo looked closer. "They do look awfully familiar."

Bustling up, Chiun drew the curtains shut with sudden violence, darkening the room.

"It is time for your nap," he announced. "Hey! I was looking out that window!"

"You may waste your time after you have completed your labors," Chiun said, going to the door. "And do not let me catch you in a Western bed."

The door closed and Remo turned in.

ALMOST AT ONCE he found himself in a valley dotted with flowering plum trees. Swallows alighted and took off from their branches, swooping through the warm air.

Under one plum tree Remo saw a figure he recognized. He walked over to the bald old man seated in a lotus position. He was heavy of body with pale, unmoving eyes like stones in a face like crumpled, translucent parchment.

"Greetings, H'si T'ang pongsa," Remo said, using the Korean honorific for a blind man.

Master H'si T'ang looked up with unseeing eyes. They searched curiously while his flat nose sniffed the air. "Ah, Remo. Welcome."

"Can't you see me?"

"I was blind in life, why should it be different in the Void?"

"Well, I just figured a person's sight would be restored to him."

"Spoken like a true Christian." Master H'si T'ang stood up. "I am the Master who trained your Master. This means you are near the end of your Rite of Attainment. This is good, for it means the House will go on."

"Can you help me? I need to find Kojing. He was supposed to tell me something."

"You seek your father?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Ask Chiun."

Remo blinked. "Chiun?"

"Yes, Chiun will tell you the name of your father."

"Chiun?"

"Chiun," said Master H'si Tang, reaching up to pluck a ripe plum. Remo's eyes followed his frail hand as it groped. Fingers like bones coated in beeswax closed around the ripest one and plucked it.

When Remo's eyes went back to the face of H'si Tang, he was gone. So was the plum.

REMO BURST into the adjoining hotel room, where the Master of Sinanju sat on the narrow balcony watching the sun set.

"I met H'si Tang."

"How is the Venerable One?"

"Still blind."

"One does not need eyes in the Void."

"I asked him about my father, and he said to ask you."

Remo waited for the Master of Sinanju to answer. But there was only silence.

"Did you hear what I said?"

"What were H'si T'ang's exact words?" Chiun asked thinly.

"Ask Chiun."

"My father was named Chiun. Did you encounter him in the Void?"

Remo's voice fell. All the pent-up energy in his body seemed to dissipate. "Damn," he said.

"I have spoken to Emperor Smith," Chiun said. "His oracles have found another athloi for you. We will depart on the morrow."

"I'd like to get going now."

Coming to his feet, Chiun pivoted to face his pupil. "Then we will depart at once." And he breezed past Remo like a secretive wraith.

Remo followed him with his eyes but said nothing.

ON THE PLANE, Chiun was saying, "Perhaps your father is the illustrious Ted Williams."

"I wouldn't mind that, but I know it isn't."

"Andy Williams, then."

"Not a chance."

"Robin Williams."

"No way."

"Why not? He is fat. And you are showing signs of gaining weight."

"My mother said my name isn't Williams. And what makes you think my father is famous?"

"All who sire Masters of Sinanju are famous. Why should you be any different?"

"Look, let's change the subject, shall we?" Remo suggested.

"Tennessee Williams is another famous Williams."

"Tennessee Wiliams is dead."

"But his greatness lives on in you."

"Cut it out. I'm sick of you ragging on me all the time."

Chiun's voice suddenly grew serious. "Tell me, Remo, why is finding your father so important now? It was not like this when we first met so long ago."

Remo looked out at the passing clouds. "I thought I had put it all behind me after I left the orphanage," he said quietly. "Until that time in Detroit when that hit man popped up using my name."

"A name which he pilfered from the gravestone where you are not buried."

"We know that now. But at first I thought he was my father. For a while there I liked the idea of having a father. Ever since then, I can't get the idea out of my mind."

Chiun said nothing.

"Mind telling me where we are going?" Remo asked suddenly.

"You are going to Hades."

Remo's brow clouded. "Hades is the Roman Hell, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Then why do our tickets say were going to Bangor, Maine?"

"Because that is where Emperor Smith assures me Cerberus dwells." And Chiun left his seat to inspect the galley.

"Cerberus?" Remo muttered. His mind went back to his childhood, and once again he could hear the voice of Sister Mary Margaret as if it were yesterday: Cerberus was the three-headed dog who guarded the gates to the underworld, who barred Hercules's path when he descended into the lower regions to complete one of his final labors.

Remo folded his arms defiantly. "Great. I'm getting near the end."

The seat-belt sign winked off, and the stewardess came up the aisle. Remo noticed that she was wearing no shoes. When she stopped at his seat and leaned down to whisper in his ears, he understood why.

"Go suck your own toes," he told her.

When the Master of Sinanju returned from his inspection of the galley facilities, Remo told him, "The stewardess invited me to suck her toes."

"Before Rome fell, its women insisted upon being on top."

"There's nothing wrong with being on top."

"If these unwholesome ideas take root, the House will have to look to Persia in the next century for its gold. Do you still possess the coins?"

"Sure."

"Let me see them."

Remo produced the coins, one from each pocket so they wouldn't jingle and give him away.

"What do they tell you, Remo?" asked Chiun.

"Spend it while the currency is still good?"

"You are hopeless."

Remo grinned. "But still on top."

Over a mountainous section of the country, Remo happened to look down and saw in life something he had seen many times in books and magazines.