Jo Graham - Secrets

John winced.

“Got it,” Rodney said.

“Good.” Sam’s pony tail flipped like a cat’s tail lashing as she stalked out of the conference room.

“Good job, Rodney,” John said, gritting his teeth. “Way to go.”

Rodney looked after her and shrugged. “Is she really involved with somebody else, or is she trying to let me down easy?”

“She’s really involved with someone else,” John said. “Really, really involved. And Rodney, what the hell? You knew she’d say that.”

“I figured it would be good for the old morale,” Rodney said. “You know. A declaration of independence. If me and Jennifer are casual and not exclusive, there’s no reason I can’t see Sam.”

“Except that Sam won’t see you except on a platter with a sprig of parsley,” John said. “Come on, Rodney. Can’t you think of anybody to hit on besides Sam?”

“There’s Teyla.” Rodney stopped in the doorway as though the thought had just struck him. “She’s hot.”

“It took you almost six years to notice that?”

Rodney scratched his head, which was still white haired. “I think it’s the Wraith thing. Teyla was never my type, but now when I see her I just…”

“Want to kiss her feet?”

“Yeah, that.”

John clapped him on the shoulder as he followed him out of the conference room. “I’ll make sure you have a chaperone with Alabaster.”

“Very funny.”

John caught up with Teyla in the hall outside the transport chamber, where Lorne was just getting in. “I’m going to the lab level,” Lorne said apologetically.

“We will wait,” Teyla said, and let the doors close. She looked at John keenly. “You are troubled.”

John blew out a breath. “Does it strike you that Rodney is acting strange? He just hit on Sam like a ton of bricks when he knew she’d shoot him down. What the hell was with that? That’s not our normal Rodney.”

Teyla tilted her chin. “No, it is not. Rodney is not normal. He has been a Wraith, and though he may like to think that he is as he was before, except for his hair, the Gift shows that he is not. He can still speak mind to mind, and it seems clear to me that there are other changes as well.” She put one foot up against the wall beside the transport chamber. “You do not understand how a Wraith craves a queen’s attention. He needs her mental touch. He needs her regard. We did not understand it then, but we saw this with Michael — how he fixed upon me as the only person who could give him what he needed. Sam is a queen to him, as she is perceived so by all the Wraith. Her attention, even her negative attention, is better than none. To pursue a queen and be refused is nothing. But one must try.”

John frowned. “So Rodney has a predisposition to chase women who will kick him in the teeth?”

Teyla looked serious. “Moreover, he has been captured and held these many months. If you had just been recovered from months as a prisoner, would you not want me to rush to you with open arms?”

“Well, of course.” John shifted from foot to foot. “But that doesn’t happen sometimes. I mean, sometimes guys get back from deployment all messed up and their wives are in a totally different place. They want everything to be ok and to move on and to get on with life and have everything work and it just doesn’t. There’s just too much water under that bridge and too little common ground.” He stopped. Or he tried to, but the words kept flowing. “Too many things you can’t talk about and too many things you’re ashamed of, too much blood on your hands. Or maybe there just wasn’t enough that was right in the first place.”

“John, he killed people. He led an assault on us where people were slain. He has put Major Lorne, who was his friend, through two surgeries and months of pain and discomfort. He cannot simply forget it as though it never happened, as though it were done by someone else. And he has fed on Jennifer, even though it was with her consent. These are things that change a man.”

John put his arm on the wall and leaned his head against it. “You’re right,” he said quietly. “I don’t know why I didn’t see that.”

“Perhaps because it is too close?” Teyla put a hand to his shoulder. “And because you are his friend and you wish that he did not have to go through what you have gone through?”

“Yeah.” John closed his eyes. He could hardly remember coming home, and that in itself was strange. He should remember that. It was November, December. There were Christmas trees in BWI airport. He remembered that. But he couldn’t remember who was there. Nancy, probably? Where had they gone? What had they done? It had been three weeks since Holland died, five weeks since Mitch and Dex. Had she brought the car or had they taken a cab? Gone on the train? He had no idea how they’d gotten to Crystal City. He didn’t remember what she’d worn or what she looked like, if she’d had a little flag or a sign like soldier’s wives sometimes did. Had she smiled or cried?

He wasn’t sure if it was that day or another day that she’d put her arms around him and he had frozen, feeling only the weight of a cooling corpse against his breast. “What’s wrong?” she had asked, words for which there was no answer.

“Ok,” John said. “That’s what Rodney’s going through. And Jennifer…”

“Who shall Jennifer turn to? You? Me? Ronon?” Teyla shook her head. “Who are her friends besides Rodney? I can think of no one but Carson, and they are not close. She was shy when she first came here, overwhelmed by responsibility. And then Katie Brown’s friends spurned her, seeing her as the reason Rodney broke up with Katie. The women who are her own age, like Laura, were all Katie’s friends.” Teyla leaned back against the wall beside him. “Jennifer is very much alone, and Rodney needed more than she could give. Jennifer is an honest person, and she will not give her lifelong vow to someone if she is not certain of it. How could she be certain now?”

“I’m not saying she should have married him out of pity,” John said. “That wouldn’t work. I just…” He straightened up, shrugging. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“I do not either, besides give him time to heal.” Teyla shook her head ruefully. “He will always be Quicksilver, just as I am always Steelflower. I understand that. And you have known this bitter homecoming, as he has, and can be his friend. Perhaps it will be enough.”

“And not expect him to be ok, even if he says he is,” John said, nodding. “I get that. Four months in Antarctica with light duty.”

“Did that help you?”

“I guess. It helped a lot more than four months in DC chewing my feet off.” Antarctica had been so quiet. Restful.

“Then perhaps Rodney needs light duty that does not feel to him as though you are pushing him off in the corner?” Teyla suggested.

“Yeah. I’ll have to talk to Woolsey. We can work something out. Some kind of project…” Rodney messed up was not a good thing, over and above it being Rodney. But of course he wasn’t ok. It was just that John had wanted him to be ok, that Rodney wanted to be ok.

Teyla put her arm to his sleeve again. “John, he will be stronger in time. Just as you are.”

“Yeah,” he said, and he supposed it meant something that he almost believed it.

Lorne caught up with Cadman on the lab level, just where he’d expected her to be. She’d been in the armory, and she straightened up when she saw him. “Sir.”

“Hey,” he said. “I need to talk to you about something. I just got out of the briefing, and Carter said we could borrow you again.”

Cadman looked pleased, as usual. She seemed to like being needed, though she was always careful not to make it look like she was gunning for his job, something he appreciated when he was running on three legs, so to speak. “With the Wraith?”